Will it ever be over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Will it ever be over?
3
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 3:05pm
I am a MW having an A with a MM. I have no children and he has two. The A has been going on for a year now. We started it as a purely sexual thing. It has of course turned into much, much, much more. We both have admitted to falling in love with each other. I have agreed to leave my husband for him and he left his wife for a short time. His youngest child is just one year and he doesn't want to leave until he can make sure financially the kids with be okay. He will not give me a deadline but within a year. We broke things off many many times. But keep seeing each other. I am miserable without him. I don't know what to do. We work together so the three weeks we went without seeing each other was not good. In some ways I want things to end so I can move on. I don't know if I will stay with my husband or not. Continuing to see the MM is confusing what I really want/need. But, I can't seem to break things off. We used to talk everyday on the phone. We have cut down communication a ton. We maybe talk once a week. I don't know what to do. I question the feelings I have for the MM. I mean if we were both single would we feel the same way for each other. Would things continue to be so passionate and great when we are with each other. I just can't seem to justify breaking things off when he makes me feel so good when I am with him. Even if that is only for an hour or two every couple of weeks. Am I crazy? Any input, ideas, suggestions would be great. I feel like I am loosing my mind. My husband is a great guy but I never have had these feelings before. Thanks in advance!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2003
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 3:20pm
how can you justify breaking things off with him when he makes you feel so good (and vice versa, I'm sure). If you were happy in this relationship, I don't think you would have sought out this site.

I think just by being here, you are acknowledging to yourself that you WANT out of this relationship. You are using this affair to hide out from your problems & your real life. It's like being a drug addict. You are using the euphoria of the affair to self-medicate.

Maybe you can justify it by saying I'm ready to live my whole life, to live it fully & face everything in it and fix what I need to fix and accept what I need to accept. Maybe you're ready to grow up.

I say this as a single woman who was involved in an A with an MM for 3 years - well past my divorce. My affair was a hiding place for me. It felt great but it eats at you eventually because it's wrong and you can't hide that truth from yourself. Eventually you gotta face yourself & face your life and deal with it.

The only way I was able to do it was to cut it off -- No Contact. I know it's hard. I tried for 2 years before I was able to go NC. The affair has been over a year now and I'm so grateful I got out.

Good luck! I hope you find your way -- whatever you decide that is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 4:02pm
cookie~

I agree with hummingbird when she mentions that an affair becomes like an addiction. I was strung out worse then a junkie on exMM (still am, to a degree). Here are just my random thoughts/opinions:

*when there are children involved, esp. young children, I'm a firm believer that the person/s need to go back to the marriage to see if there is ANYTHING they can do to repair/fix the marriage, since children should be the priority. That would include NO CONTACT for a long time. If things fall apart, then that person should move on...but that STILL includes NC while they get their head together.

*One should NEVER leave a marriage and go right into a relationship.....the failure rate is MUCH too high. And despite having an affair, you don't have a "real" relationship, because you don't see all the unpleasant things about the other person...just the nice things you want to see. For example, remember when you were first married and everything was "wine and roses"...well, that faded...so it will in a new relationship.

*As for never having these feelings before....an affair intensifies such feelings. But feelings are just that....feelings. Perhaps it speaks more about something going on within you. Or maybe you have met someone that evokes very strong emotions within you...but it doesn't make it right. And if you don't have these feelings for you h, maybe you should look at separating from him. H will take it better if you leave him because you just don't have the feelings for him instead of leaving him for another man (there is a LOT of pride involved here too---and if he is a good guy, don't diss him like that).

*the only way you will ever know if the feelings that you have are real if you both leave your marriages, both give yourselves time to get your head on straight and THEN come together. In the meantime, I would suggest a therapist to do some self exploration.

Just some random thoughts/opinions....good luck!

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 4:03pm


I have to agree with the other poster, NO CONTACT is the ownly way to go even if you have to change jobs, you will never really understand how you feel about MM or your husband as long as you remaine in the affair your in a what some people call the affair FOG, you cannot see clearly or understand what you really feel.

Just a word of warning the stats make it pretty clear these men almost never leave there wife for thr O/W, the say almost anything to keep string the woman along but rarely make a real commitment to her.

Good luck


F