Will the pain and ache ever stop?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Will the pain and ache ever stop?????
5
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 1:36pm
Please help!! I feel like I'm dying inside today.... It's been over 9 months since I ended my affair and came back to my husband. I was living with my OM for 10 months. In that 10 months, I felt more love than I ever did in my 10+ year M. H even filed divorce papers but we stopped it the day we went to court. My H claims he truly loves me and wants to work on our M but I'm fighting it. Today as I'm typing this I'm crying because the ache and pain for my OM is hurting terribly. I miss him every day. My H and I have not been intimate since I've been back. I can't stand my H to even touch me becuase it makes me sick. Before I left, H and I did something I can't forgive myself or him for; I watched H with another woman. From that day on, I have been deadened and discusted with H. Part of me thinks I should work on this M but part of me can't even stand the thought of it. How do I get past all of this? How do I start over? Will this pain ever end? Will I ever be able to forgive and forget? Has anyone ever been in this type of misery? How did you move on? Desparately seeking support.

justwantlove
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 2:50pm
Hugs to you, and to all the new people here... I am so sorry for your sadness. Yes, it will get better, I can promise you that, but it sounds like you have a lot to sort through before you can get to that point. Especially with your marriage. You didn't say, do you still have any contact with the OM? That could be holding back the healing process. I don't know. I just wanted to send you some hugs let you know that you are not alone; use this board as a shoulder to cry on when you need to, and as a sounding board when you're trying to figure things out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 4:56pm
Welcome, honey. The pain will pass. I can relate to your story to some extent. My DH and I went thru a really screwed up time in our sex relationship (alittle too much experimentation and adventure!!) and at the time it seemed okay to me but after a little while I was disgusted with myself and him. At that point, I ended our marriage (sort of, in hindsight it wasn't really that clear) and became involved with another man. I also started some very intensive therapy, as did my H.

Fast forward 2 years: I ended my A almost 4 months ago and I'm back in a R with my DH. No, we never did get divorced, or even file.

I guess the point I want to make here is that you need to find some peace with the sexual experience you and H had. If your H feels ashamed and disgusted like you do, you're probably both on your way to a better place. But if your H was turned on and would jump at the chance to do it again, you may not be able to reconcile happily.

Whenever 2 people really commit to working on something, whether it seems possible or not, it can be done. IMHO, you may need to explore the reason you and H participated in this particular sexual adventure. That may give you some much needed insight into where your M is capable of going in the future.

Hang in there, and keep posting here. Just venting to us will help relieve the pain you're feeling. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 8:46pm
I'm new to these message boards and can't quite figure out all of the 'language.' I see DH a lot; what does that mean?

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 2:48pm
Thank you so much Mo. Just reading your story helps a little. How did you get past the issues the "experimentation and adventure" caused in your M? Did you ever fall in love with your OM? I did. He gave me more love, attention and comfort in the 10 months we were together than I have ever received in my 10 yrs of M. I miss OM every single day. No, it wasn't perfect but almost perfect, the love and protection I received was wonderful. I do talk to OM once in a blue moon but only via the phone, we haven't seen each other. I've known OM my entire life and it is very hard to give up our friendship but it is hard on both of us. We both beleived it was fait that we were finally together. Oh well, I could go on forever.

Yes, my H "claims" he is ashamed and discusted with everything that happened and he "claims" he truly loves me but I can't seem to let him in. This weekend we're going to participate in a "25 hour mega-counseling marathon" to try to clear away some of our issues but I'm not very confident. I've been back 8 mo and I still can't even stand him touching me. It's funny, we start to actually get along without fighting and I start to think I've made the right choice to try to work on this M and then H does something really hurtful, like this past Sunday, and then I hate him all over again. H overheard me tell my 6 yr old DD that it was okay for her to talk to me about missing our friend but that she should try not to tell daddy that she wanted to move back with OM because it hurts daddy. My DDs and I lived with OM for the 10 mo and they received a lot of love and attention they didn't receive from their daddy either. Well, my H asked our 8 yr old DD if mommy told her not to tell him anything. He also told her that mommy lied and cheated on him with OM. Mind you, it has taken our DD quite a while to re-adjust to being home with H and then out of the blue he does this and messes with her mind. When I saw my DD upset, I asked her if something happened between her and her daddy and she told me what he said. I was furious!! I told my DD that I did make some bad choices and did lie to her daddy but that was between her daddy and me. It had nothing to do with her. I also told her that daddy made some bad choices and that we were both trying to make things better. Then she asked me if I ever lied to her. I told her no. (Sorry about that, didn't mean to give so much detail.)

H and I faught the entire day Sunday. How could a grown man cause such emotional turmoil in a little girl. He's angry that we haven't been physical and I try to explain that every time I just about open up to him he pulls this kind of garbage and I want nothing to do with him. Mind you, he has done something like this every 3 to 4 weeks since I've been back. It's almost like he's on a cycle; he PMSes and it starts all over again.

Some of the counseling I've been through indicates that my H is an emotional abuser. He's done this our entire marriage. He claims we wants to make things better but I so doubt his sincerety. I'll post after the weekend and let you know how it went. Thanks again Mo and everyone else who posted. It is amazing how many people go thru such similar experiences.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 2:58pm

The pain and ache stop when you start living the life you truly want.


From what you've written about your feelings about your husband, I think you need to end the marriage and get