It makes me happy to read your posts and see that you are thinking about all of this and trying to process. I do not think that I relate to you on this one though. The aspect of my A that bothered me the most was knowing that what we were doing would crush his W and my H. For me, it wasn't really about wininng him from her. I received no satisfaction from knowing that I could draw more attention than her. I wanted his attention yes, but I did not feel it was a competition. I actually felt glad when he and his W started going to counseling. I wanted them to get to the root of their issues just as I wanted to get to the root of the issues in my M. So for me, it was not a competition against his W. And I do not think that xap thought about it in terms of winning me from my H. We both talked about our spouses a lot.... that is how we got into this mess- we relied on each other for support in our failing M's. Deep down, we both wanted the other to find happiness in our M's. Of course, we went about it the wrong way and allowed a friendship to cross the line, but I truly do hope that he is finding as much happiness with his W and I am with my H. There's absolutely no way that either of us could compete with the other's spouse... there's history there. There's a commitment. There's family.
OMG!! I was just logging on this moring to write a very similar post! I was the one who brought this up in your other thread and have been thinking about it since. I was literally going to start a thread....but you beat me to it!
OK- first of all, we can't beat ourselves up too much while realizing this desire to "win" our xAP from his wife, because I think it's good that we are trying to work on our issues, and see why we went down this path. It's part of the growth and really digging into these not-so-pretty aspects of ourselves is what will lead us to healing (I hope). But, yes - I'm with you....his wife is a good person, and very caring, so at the same time I do feel like, "Holy Sh*t! What kind of a person am I?" But, we have to move on...
I feel like the fact I 'lost' is really what bugs me. I KNOW WOTHOUT A DOUBT there was something to the power trip, getting another man to want
Alice, I didn't want to win xAP away from his wife, but I did want to 'win' his love. In retrospect, I played him to win it. I told him things that were not true, such I loved him or forgave him. It was sick how much I needed to feel loved and what I did to get it. We never discussed leaving out spouses for each other, but as time went on, I began to have those thoughts invade my mind. I'd try to push them out, even while in the fog - but, thank God he never loved me, or else I probably would have continued to develop those insane thoughts of a life together. Thank God for small mercies.
Great job doing the tough self inventory necessary to address and fix your issues. Don't let that layer of apathy fog hang for too long. Push through it so you can continue to stay 'present' and move forward.
Alice, you have a very intellegent cousin!! I can tell you that I have thought long and hard about why I stayed in the A for as long as I did and I do believe it was the validation that I got when I was told I was so much better than his wife in so many ways. I wanted him to leave her because if I was so much better than "let me see you prove it." I wanted him to sacrifice his life for the chance to be with me. Very egocentric, I know but now that things are a little more clear, it was the challange of getting him to really want me THAT MUCH.
Ive never been the type to steal another womans man either. Guys that were dating a friens were off limits in my book too. Its not about the challenge of taking another womans man, it about him wanting ME so much that he is willing to drop his life to be with me.
When my A started, my H and I had grown apart, we were not connected in any way, he didnt make me a priority. Same with my dad when I was a teenager, he wasnt around much and Im sure that is why I wasnt so desperately to be someones #1 priority and have them prove it.
As for the fog, Alice, I want mine to completely go away too. I find that I still have bad days. I did really well yesterday and then today comes and Im struggling again. It takes time and when the fog front rolls in again its just another reminder for me of all that I went through, put up with and sacrificed during this A. Hang in there Alice. I hope you have a XAP thought free weekend. All of us here at EAS deserve it!!!
Hi Alice-
It makes me happy to read your posts and see that you are thinking about all of this and trying to process. I do not think that I relate to you on this one though. The aspect of my A that bothered me the most was knowing that what we were doing would crush his W and my H. For me, it wasn't really about wininng him from her. I received no satisfaction from knowing that I could draw more attention than her. I wanted his attention yes, but I did not feel it was a competition. I actually felt glad when he and his W started going to counseling. I wanted them to get to the root of their issues just as I wanted to get to the root of the issues in my M. So for me, it was not a competition against his W. And I do not think that xap thought about it in terms of winning me from my H. We both talked about our spouses a lot.... that is how we got into this mess- we relied on each other for support in our failing M's. Deep down, we both wanted the other to find happiness in our M's. Of course, we went about it the wrong way and allowed a friendship to cross the line, but I truly do hope that he is finding as much happiness with his W and I am with my H. There's absolutely no way that either of us could compete with the other's spouse... there's history there. There's a commitment. There's family.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
ALICE!!!!
OMG!! I was just logging on this moring to write a very similar post! I was the one who brought this up in your other thread and have been thinking about it since. I was literally going to start a thread....but you beat me to it!
OK- first of all, we can't beat ourselves up too much while realizing this desire to "win" our xAP from his wife, because I think it's good that we are trying to work on our issues, and see why we went down this path. It's part of the growth and really digging into these not-so-pretty aspects of ourselves is what will lead us to healing (I hope). But, yes - I'm with you....his wife is a good person, and very caring, so at the same time I do feel like, "Holy Sh*t! What kind of a person am I?" But, we have to move on...
I feel like the fact I 'lost' is really what bugs me. I KNOW WOTHOUT A DOUBT there was something to the power trip, getting another man to want
Alice,
I can relate to what you're saying, at least in part because things were changing throughout the A.
Alice,
I didn't want to win xAP away from his wife, but I did want to 'win' his love. In retrospect, I played him to win it. I told him things that were not true, such I loved him or forgave him. It was sick how much I needed to feel loved and what I did to get it. We never discussed leaving out spouses for each other, but as time went on, I began to have those thoughts invade my mind. I'd try to push them out, even while in the fog - but, thank God he never loved me, or else I probably would have continued to develop those insane thoughts of a life together. Thank God for small mercies.
Great job doing the tough self inventory necessary to address and fix your issues. Don't let that layer of apathy fog hang for too long. Push through it so you can continue to stay 'present' and move forward.
Best,
Dee
Alice, you have a very intellegent cousin!! I can tell you that I have thought long and hard about why I stayed in the A for as long as I did and I do believe it was the validation that I got when I was told I was so much better than his wife in so many ways. I wanted him to leave her because if I was so much better than "let me see you prove it." I wanted him to sacrifice his life for the chance to be with me. Very egocentric, I know but now that things are a little more clear, it was the challange of getting him to really want me THAT MUCH.
Ive never been the type to steal another womans man either. Guys that were dating a friens were off limits in my book too. Its not about the challenge of taking another womans man, it about him wanting ME so much that he is willing to drop his life to be with me.
When my A started, my H and I had grown apart, we were not connected in any way, he didnt make me a priority. Same with my dad when I was a teenager, he wasnt around much and Im sure that is why I wasnt so desperately to be someones #1 priority and have them prove it.
As for the fog, Alice, I want mine to completely go away too. I find that I still have bad days. I did really well yesterday and then today comes and Im struggling again. It takes time and when the fog front rolls in again its just another reminder for me of all that I went through, put up with and sacrificed during this A. Hang in there Alice. I hope you have a XAP thought free weekend. All of us here at EAS deserve it!!!
GMLB
Isn't it human nature to want to win at anything even if its not a conscious thought?
Ha Alice- I certainly know that you have a soul... and a good one at that :)
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/