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| Mon, 06-27-2005 - 10:28pm |
To: Workinginpickle or anyone else who wants to respond
Hi, I have been thinking about you and wondering how you were doing? I don't post alot anymore, but I keep reading, it helps. I am always going to post when I come here, then I get to reading the other posts and either run out of time or I am emotionly drained. So many stories similar to mine, so many feelings exactly like mine. You and I still have limited contact with are X's. How is that going for you? I am doing better, time does certainly help, but the thoughts are all still there and seeing him sometimes does make it harder. I have been feeling a lot of anger lately, I am sure that is a stage too. DH has been treating me good and we have been getting along pretty well. Even though he doesn't know about the affair (or doesn't want to know), he doesn't want to lose me either. I think he had a wakeup call. I really am trying. If you are still out there, let me know how things are with you.

DEP
Just a HI HO your sounding much better these days...one day your going to have to change your screen name to something else such as "Not so damn depressed" or "feeling fine" hey you never know.
Glad to here your hubby is in the game with you that will help a lot in time.
Be well
Free
Hang in there, it sounds like you are making progress. I know it is hard to have to work with XMM but try and remember that the one who loves you and is there for you is your DH. Don't waste your time and energy on XMM think of all of the pain that relationship has brought you. There is pain because it is wrong. Things that are right bring us joy and make us feel good. Loving and being loved should not be full of pain and heartache. Forgive yourself for getting into this situation that was wrong from the beginning. Accept that it was never meant to be and he is not the one for you. Stop telling yourself lies to avoid dealing with reality.
Put all of your time energy and thoughts into your M and you will be rewarded. I never imagined that my M could improve so much in such a short time. I don't think of XMM the same way anymore. For now I refuse to let him in my mind. Maybe someday I can think of it but now I want to live my life with a man who loves me 100%. I can't tell you how happy it makes me to just cuddle with him or hang out and talk. I know that I got into this A by talking with XMM so now I do all of my talking with H. I can't believe how lucky I am to have my A turn out this way. My DH is 10x the man my XMM was, he has honor and integrity something my XMM is looking for.
I don't read many posts here anymore because I don't want to be reminded of how bad it was, but I always looked forward to WIP's posts so the title got my attention. I just want to say to anyone reading this I hope you come to this point. I feel so thankful and undeserving to be this happy. This board helped me through when I didn't think I would make it. There are awesome people on here who give you encouragemet when you need it. Keep the NC and do positive things for yourself and little by little you will have your life back again. Finally you will wake up and not think of XMM. You will see the sunshine and feel the wind and know you are free. You will be living your own life again!
depressed2005,
I'm glad you wrote. I have been wondering how you've been too. In truth if things are progressing well for all of us - the torches for our xMMs should be dimming, our fire for our H's should be burning strong and we should be eating, sleeping, exercising and smiling most of the time. Is that happening? Mmmm....
I'm back to functioning. I am happier and more engaged in my life and H. I'm not over him though or else I wouldn't think of xMM "in that way" about 1,000 times per day.
I've had 4 T appts and that is helping. I think my T is *so impressed* that I understand everything so well (thanks to this board). She hardly has to explain much of what is going on. I think she will be disappointed when she realizes that I can understand all the dynamics but still struggle to rid myself of xMM entirely. We're digging into my "void" though and that's a lot of work. I'm also reading a bunch of books on the subject.
I guess you would say that I'm still "faking it until I make it." For 37 days (seems longer) I have not talked to xMM about anything non work related and I have not seen him in person. We work together so tightly though that it's not as if we aren't in each other's hair all day long which is making it hard. I don't "joke" in emails anymore and stop myself from participating in reciprocal flattery which occurred in the past. I have not dialed his number in 37 days (we used to call each other fairly often). I now put it all through email.
Things are SO much better than they were prior to LC though and my self-esteem is coming back. Before I forced the LC he would call me when he wanted and I felt like he had all the control. I was unhappy 24x7 then (and crying a lot), now I feel decent most of the time (not really happy, but not sad either).
It's been interesting to see his reaction (as much as I can read into it anyway). He is at my beck n' call now. He said he thinks it's very important to respect my decision so he won't beg like some xMM do. I think he'd jump in a minute to go back to "being friends" but I can't. I don't want to go back to him in control since it made me unhappy. Nor do I want to go back to hearing stories about his family vacations and his new dog that wakes him and his wife up in the middle of the night. I don't think he ever got how hard it was for me to hear those stories.
I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop since eventually we will have to see each other again on a work trip and that's the real test. That will be many months from now though and I believe it will go smoothly (I feel I could decline it now - but by faking it - it's unfortunately not a complete turn off yet.).
H and I are getting along well (we always did really - I allowed xMM to get in the way though). I have given SO MUCH thought to Mo's T's words:
(forgive if it's slightly misquoted)
"Being married to someone is about constantly working out problems with someone who will keep working them out with you."
And more recently on the All Sides board:
"...satisfaction comes from how you relate to each other---the trust you build, the respect you accord, the mutual support you provide, the willingness to explore inner and outer worlds together. In other words, it's in the process, not the person. When you decide to marry, you're not just choosing a partner; you're choosing to BE married."
I'm trying to turn over a new leaf and realize that I can be happy in my marriage if I just allow it. My H has understood the above quotes from the beginning and is clearly in a better position (personality and situation) to work out our problems than xMM ever would be. I think it's a matter of me looking at it differently and not giving too much value to all my "feelings" about xMM.
Small steps, right?
WIP
" Don't waste your time and energy on XMM think of all of the pain that relationship has brought you. There is pain because it is wrong. Things that are right bring us joy and make us feel good. Loving and being loved should not be full of pain and heartache. Forgive yourself for getting into this situation that was wrong from the beginning. Accept that it was never meant to be and he is not the one for you. Stop telling yourself lies to avoid dealing with reality. "
Thank you so much for your reply and words of encouragement. Your words above say it all. This relationship has caused me so much pain and guilt. I know I have to accept that this was never meant to be, it would have hurt so many people. I have already lost two good friends that I will miss, but I think I might have missed my husband more if I had lost him. I know my husband is the better man for me and I could have a very happy life if I can put all this behind me. I am working on that. You said you now refuse to let him in your mind? How I wish I could do that! I still think about him 24/7. I don't want to, I just can't help it. Someone said on here that I am concentrating on the wrong man so now I am trying to think more about my husband and work on our relationship. I too got into this relationship by talking to OM about everything, he was so easy to talk to and we just thought we were helping each other by listening. I have spent the last 5 years of my life mostly concentrating on him.
I guess it is time to start dealing with reality. This is very hard. I have never had an addiction before, but I know that OM is my addiction right now. I have been living in a fantasy for too long. I want to be where you are now, someday I will be. I am so glad you are happy now, that can bring us all hope. Thanks again
depressed2005,
You asked:
How I let myself get into this situation?
I have limited info but there are many reasons people get into A's... However I don't think yours is one of the more complex ones. I think I've got some deep-rooted issues and looked to xMM to fill a "father-figure" for me and to affirm my worthiness etc.
However, I think your A is more simple in it's cause. I think you had a deep friendship with xMM - just like we might with a good girlfriend the only (big) problem being that he was male - and not your H. Yours doesn't seem about sex, flattery, ego, or huge void issues. Yours seems mostly like an emotional A and like you just started talking to him in a way that you weren't with your H and it went from there.
I do think there is something to the whole romance thing - and that applies to all of us on this board. There is a reason that for the most part it's all women on this board talking about their "soul mates"... Men (as a whole) do not seem to get their feelings all mixed up in the romance of it and the star-crossed-lover thing. Most men do not get stuck on one person in an 'against all odds' tragic way (a gross generalization of course since some men do).
It's a hard transition for me to go from thinking that when you meet 'that person' that makes you FEEL so good - that it's NOT about that person. What I read now seems to imply that it's the people's commitment to making the marriage/relationship work that matters - it's not the SPECIFIC person. This flies in the face of all those romance novels - and also requires us to sometimes ignore our internal instinct since it can be wrong (or not good for us).
I wish I had the quick fix. My biggest frustration is being able to understand it all but not have my heart fall in sync with what is crystal clear.
Keep posting - I enjoy hearing how you're doing.
WIP
I had to reply to your post...
<<>>
I had my first counseling session the other night and the t and I were talking about the probs in my m. I said that it shouldn't be this hard. She said, no it shouldn't. I said although I know that relationships take work, whether they be a m or a friendship all relationships do take work. She asked me what I thought caused some people to work on their m and not give up whereas some people don't want to work on it and it is too hard and they give up. We talked about the initial romantic phase of a relationship. That "in love" phase. Those people that have a connection that is so strong and they feel like they are meant to be together don't mind working on their relationship because it doesn't seem hard to them. Any work they do is worth it and it doesn't even seem like work, they enjoy it. I have also read a lot about it not being the actual person that makes it work but the commitment but I don't totally agree. It is just like enjoying your job. When you enjoy your job and the people you work with and have a good time, you don't mind the actual duties you have to do and you don't mind the extra work you do because you enjoy it. If you don't like where you work and the people you work with, everything you do is going to make you miserable. Those 20 minutes you stay over seem like a lifetime. I think it is a little of both, the person you are involved with and both people's commitment to the relationship. I hope I made sense and I didn't mean to jump in but I have been thinking a lot about this topic lately. Thanks!
AS,
I found what your T encouraged you to talk about very interesting (what makes some work it out and others quit). I need to give that more thought myself.
On your point about it being a combination of factors for a connection to occur. I probably over simplified it in my post since I do agree with you. What I've read does state that with the partners you're considering you do have to share values etc. There has to be some level of "clicking" going on... but beyond that I think the point of what I've read is that I'm putting too much focus on it being Him. In my case there isn't really anything "wrong" with my H. I'm reasonable attracted to him and he's more than willing to meet me more than half way.
I'm putting this focus on my xMM being "the one." I've also read articles that say that folks that claim to be very unhappy in the marriages will be happy if you pole them 5 years later (with work on the M obviously). Just that our feelings of happiness for one partner will ebb and flow and that we need to focus on our commitment to the process more and the person less (that assumes the person meets some level of criteria of course).
Now just to completely contradict my point above : ) I think you were the one that posted yesterday saying that your H had no idea that you were depressed? (sorry, if I got this wrong - work is busy today and I was skimming).... but if it was you, I could relate to this.
The way I told my H that I wanted to see a T was by asking him "Do you think I've been depressed lately?" He said "No, why? You feel badly?" . He isn't that clued into my feelings at all. For what it's worth I am a true professional at hiding my feelings and I'm not sure xMM would be MORE clued in. Often xMM is just as baffled. "What? You're upset? Help me here. I had no idea."
H and I have work to do there. I kind of fault myself for it - I hide my feelings a lot and I need to voice them and not assume he will 'pick up on them.'
WIP