Wish I could bypass the heartache
Find a Conversation
Wish I could bypass the heartache
| Tue, 02-15-2011 - 7:09am |
Has anyone on here just decided one day that they were done and sailed through heart ache straight to indifference? Ugg I know its coming... I decided late in the afternoon to be done so I'm not kidding myself I haven't had to go through a day/days w/o him yet...
I just dont want whats coming. I keep reading and reading the I dont miss post wow I could of wrote most of them its so ugly all of it the whole past five years. Instead of making excuses for him why he did the things he did I'm looking at the real picture and its so ugly. Last year I would of rationalized a reason for his not acknowledging v day. This year I almost laughed when I thought he must be really busy cuz I had another voice in my head that said ya right your not his valentine his wife is.
I'm not sad yet there is something wrong with that.
I just dont want whats coming. I keep reading and reading the I dont miss post wow I could of wrote most of them its so ugly all of it the whole past five years. Instead of making excuses for him why he did the things he did I'm looking at the real picture and its so ugly. Last year I would of rationalized a reason for his not acknowledging v day. This year I almost laughed when I thought he must be really busy cuz I had another voice in my head that said ya right your not his valentine his wife is.
I'm not sad yet there is something wrong with that.

Then comes the second round of heartache when you realize how broken you've become and all the damage you've done to yourself and even his family throughout the A. It's not pretty to come to this realization. This is when you have to work really hard on forgiving yourself. You will come to understand that you are not a bad person. Rather you made some bad choices. The good news is that you are capable of making changes within yourself that will lead to true happiness that comes from living honestly and not ever again comprimising your worth for another human being.
It is all within your power, even if you don't feel that way now. I promise if you stay the course here, you will get to experience this rebirth of sorts. It takes a while, so until you actually reach that point, you have to cling to faith and belief in this process. You can do it but it takes an incredible amount of strength. Don't short change yourself by thinking you don't have that stength because you do. It's deep down inside where you also hold the hurt.
You can end the soul crushing destruction if you are willing to have faith and engage in the hard work required.
Hugs,
Alwayst2
I do not think anyone just sails through without heartache.
I have been posting on mas here and there more to write stuff I've been noticing then for feedback and what I'm seeing now versus how I looked at him before is a huge step to me. I need t for the why part I know deep dwn there is some reason why I dont feel "good enough" I dont know why though I can't put a finger on anything that did that to me in my past. I'm kinda scared I won't puta finger on in t either cuz if u ask me did u have a bad childhood? No.... Did someone do this to you? No etc I can't think of what/who if I dont know how is t going to help?
There may be things that you are not even aware of that subtly made you not love yourself enough.
For me, T is helping alot.
Looking,
I cannot tell you how many different counselors I have been to and how long it took for me to get to where I am.
This is a very helpful thread. I too have the same questions about therapy ("will it work?" "what's the point?"), and have even had some really bad experiences with therapy that have turned me off from it. But I'm definitely looking to get back in the game as soon as I can. OP, I know it will be helpful for you to talk to someone.
Always, this is such wonderful, sound advice:
"You will begin to bargain with yourself, thinking it wasn't so bad and maybe you just wanted too much. Maybe you could be satisfied with crumbs. But deep inside you know you can't and you are trying to justify/fool yourself. If you stay NC and keep focusing on your issues, you will get past this stage."
Thank you for posting this. I can't tell you how many times I've done this with myself. Bargaining away my own self-worth and pride. Like my time and needs were worthless. I've even had that conversation with my xAP, telling him I could be satisfied with what little he gave me. I reprimanded myself for wanting too much from him. Now it stings to look back at that and think about how degrading I was to myself :smileysad:
I grew up in a loving household with 7 siblings and married parents and I never felt like it was a bad childhood - we always had our needs met, wants even - we were challenged, cherished, etc.
I realize now, having gone through therapy that my issues stem from immature problem solving skills - borne after the death of my sister (who was my personal family buddy) when I was 15. When she died I became the odd man out and with her death my family fell apart - it came to light that my dad had been having an affair, my parents separated for a while (they did eventually reconcile), but I never learned from then on how to deal with things. My parents never addressed the "incident", and from that point on we just didn't discuss anything really. The shiny bubble life I had grown up in was shattered, and while I knew I struggled with my sister's death, and subsequent loss of a daughter and my Dad, I chalked it up to death just being hard to handle.
The root was simply that I shut down emotionally and could not grasp how to handle other stuff beyond my 15 year old maturity - No one ever showed me, or talked to me and I was wrapped in it. And I've operated that way for the last 25 years. Now that I've worked through all of this - and reopened my feelings on things, evaluated patterns in my life - i can SEE clearly my own grasping for understanding, attention, applause and validation from sources outside of my life, especially in relationships.