Wishing for contact

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Wishing for contact
7
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 6:04pm
I'm not going to lie and pretend otherwise-I've been waiting and wishing for him to contact me. I can see he's online and for long periods of time and I'm guessing he's waiting for me to contact him or he would have deleted me from his list. I am the only person he im's with. I am so confused, I just keep wondering why he wouldn't say, hi, how are things going for you? How does he cut it off after all those years, just like that? I didn't tell him to leave me alone, I said that I didn't think a friendship would work because of the attraction but I left it open if he wants to contact me (honestly, so I could rebuff him and have the last word) and .....nothing. I keep trying to get over myself but I'm so mixed up. I feel like he led me to believe in so many ways that he had these deep feelings for me but now he's walked away without it making a ripple in his life and I'm a mess. I was in the supermarket yesterday and they played "You've got a friend"-James Taylor and I got teary and started thinking, I should call him and make sure he knows that if he ever really does need me as a friend, I'll be there, I should've made sure he knew that. And then I thought, well, he'd never be there for you, he never was before. Oh, he'd say the words because they sound good but I don't think he wanted to be a true friend. I think about our intimate conversations and they were all about him, his childhood, his relationships, his job, his hopes and disappointments. They were never about me. SO WHY DO I STILL WANT HIM TO CONTACT ME SO BADLY?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 6:22pm
Hey TooSmart,

I am totally empathizing with you right now. I don't have much advice, but you have all of my support. I am in a very similar situation. OM and I left things open last week and even had loose plans to 'get together' at a work function this weekend. Well, the conference was cancelled and I've heard not one peep from him all week. I've logged on to yahoo messenger a couple of times out of curiousity and saw that he was on, but never emailed and I always logged off before he IMed. Like you, I know what I need (and really want deep down) and decided last Friday that I was through with him. I started seeing things clearly and made a plan. I felt so strong and in control, and I know that will come back. I hope. But I'm having one of those days too. Even though I made my decision, I had hoped and assumed that he would contact me this week and I would have the chance to shut him down and get some closure for myself. Nothing, though. I WISH WITH ALL OF MY HEART that my own healing was not contingent on his actions, but right now his actions (or lack of) are causing me pain. I feel rejected, and worse, I am beginning to REALLY realize that I am absolutely nothing to him- not a thought. Friends with benefits, my ass. I'm just something to do when he's bored. It's really hurting because even though we've been on an off for a while, I thought a few weeks ago that we had reached a new level in our friendship, but apparently not. I am pretty sure he'll show up one day wanting some action and will disguise that as a friendly inquiry, but I'm just not sure what to do in the meantime, other than maintain no contact. It's just hard not to obsess over what I will say to him one day. Sigh.

I wish I had some advice for you other than just to stay strong and remember that you are doing this for yourself, and that you can only control your own actions, not his. I just wanted you to know I'm here with you and for you. Thanks for making me realize I am not alone.

Love ya,

Lily

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 6:40pm
It's incredible that you said you felt you had recently reached a new level of friendship-that's exactly what I thought had happened with us. He told me on the phone that he loved me and even said "Of course I love you, I hardly ever see you so it's not the physical thing. Why did you possibly think I would keep this going all these years and how could you even doubt that I love You?" But (big but) he had been drinking, so even at the time, I wanted to belive him but just felt like it would have meant so much more if he said that sober. Fast forward a few weeks, we've been together and crossed some new sexual boundaries, he NC's me, I blow up and end it. Now, it's "I don't love you "that way" and I never did". I think that's why I'm so messed up. The fantasy part of me is thinking, yes, he really does love me deeply but he realizes the futulity and impracticality of the whole situation and so wants to set me free, to work things out with my H. The logical part of me says, he doesn't love you, never did, you were his phone sex and dirty i.m. playmate and he didn't have to take you to dinner or even spend time with you and he never treated you right and never will-just FORGET HIM. Ugh-I'd like to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and stay there and I can't because NO ONE KNOWS!! Another great benefit of this, trying to pretend I have a stomach virus or something to cover. I am so exhausted, I can barely do the minimum for my family and my house is starting to fall apart and my business-don't ask. Thanks for letting me vent. I hope we feel better soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 7:34pm
TS4T

Welcome to round one of withdrawal, I know you fell like SH$T right now but it will pass, it comes and goes in cycles DON'T cave in everytime you say NO you will get stronger and the addiciton weaker.

One of the things that happens after the affair bubble bursts is you begin doing a reality check, it can be both shocking and very depressing, you can't believe it really was you who bought into all the bullcrap.

Your a tough chick your going to make it.

You asked in your other post what do normal people do to get that spark (could read HIGH), NO NORMAL PEOPLE HERE so your sh$t out of luck and stuck with us.

Depending on your age and health you could consider an extreme sport, they can fire all the same brain responses as the affair does, you may risk your neck but not your heart/sanity or family.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 8:03pm

Hey TooSmart!


FORMER Dirty IM Playmates UNITE!!!! :) Like Free said, part of healing and NC is beginning to see things more clearly, and more often than not that hurts. My OM never led me to believe he loved me or anything, but he did convince me we were really good friends who had such a strong sexual connection that we just couldn't keep our hands off each other. Now that the haze is wearing off (and leaving that wonderful withdrawal phase in its place) I see that we were really great ACQUAINTANCES and he (intentionally or not I haven't decided yet) took advantage of a weakness he sensed in me and wanted to he how far he could get. And damn it was fun at first, but looking back I can see that I was the girl he emailed or IMed when he felt bored or horny. I wanted to be his friend and I've always been attracted to him so it was downhill from there. I got caught up. And I know what you mean about the "stomach virus"- I've had to tell my friends, fam, and co-workers all kinds of stuff to explain my anxiety and depression. I hate not being able to let it all out, so I am very thankful for this place and you all.


Free-I love your posts. Thanks for keeping us real and out of bull$hit lala land!


Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 9:13am
Lilyann and Toosmart4this, thank you for the slap in the head I've desperately needed for a very long time....really! Lilyann, when I read your posts, I really have to make sure that it's not my name at the top, as our stories sound so incredibly similar! This morning, I've finally after 2 months of computer NC, found myself crying over my stupidity and allowing myself to be used as, just as it was said "his dirty little IM/email playmate". Although I was completely wrapped up in the whole charade myself, there is no denying that, I continue to be shocked at myself when I see him at work and we have to make nice, that I still hope that he will make some comment regarding what went on, only so I can make some venom-laced comment with a smile on my face. He had hinted at NC in July, so I jumped on the opportunity to do it and see what happened. Nothing at all happened, it is as though the previous 9 months never happened, not that it was a physical thing or anything (although I'm sure given the perfect situation, I would have taken that bait too!!)(banging my head on the desk!!) I also totally relate to the post regarding it always being all about him, his wife doesn't like sex, his wife doesn't give head, his wife would never go for this or that or the other thing, blah, blah, blah! Made me think I was doing some bizarre kind of therapy at times! But anyhow, I just wanted you all to know that your words here are so powerful, you will never know what they have done for me, I have never told even my closest friend about any of this so the withdrawal and recovery has all had to be done with a big smile on my face, especially at work. I also would never let him think that it bothered me in the slightest little bit! I do find it curious though that he chose to keep hundreds of our emails, not all of them, but many, many....I wonder why those ones, some of them are boring, everday things....dunno? (I was having a nasty day and broke into his hotmail account, but stopped myself from deleting everything, then he would know I gave a sh--! I just pray that his wife never takes it upon herself to crack his ridiculously simple password, then we're both screwed, and we both have a lot to lose!! Sometimes do you ever wonder if you really have any clue who you are anymore, I always thought I was much better than this stupidity, but I guess I've proven myself wrong again. Hopefully I can learn from this.....hopefully.

THANKS AGAIN!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 11:14am
"I've finally after 2 months of computer NC, found myself crying over my stupidity and allowing myself to be used as, just as it was said "his dirty little IM/email playmate". Although I was completely wrapped up in the whole charade myself, there is no denying that, I continue to be shocked at myself when I see him at work and we have to make nice, that I still hope that he will make some comment regarding what went on, only so I can make some venom-laced comment with a smile on my face. "

Mercedes...I think we are kindred souls at this time of our lives. I feel the same way you do...when I read your posts I have to do a doubletake. Our situations are so similar. Please do keep in touch and let me know your progress.

I spent way too much of every day dreaming up those venom-laced comments...what would you say?

I would tell mine that his on-call orgasm donor just went off-duty...that he wanted a F'Buddy and a just needed a buddy, so go get a blow-up doll and I'll focus on my real friends.

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 8:02am
I'm not too sure what I'd say right now, just got home from work and my brain is fried! But you know what would be "wet-your-pants-funny" and infuriating at the same time.....if our little friends were the same man!! (I know it's highly unlikely, but it would be ironic, then we could have some evil fun!!)