Wishy washy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
Wishy washy
6
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 1:33pm
I don't know how to even start this but I have been around this board and the My Support Board for over a month just reading so I don't feel so alone. Anyway, I've been having an affair for about 6 months and although it is great, I can't go on with it because I can't see the point in potentially ruining my M for something that is a great fantasy, but would never be a great reality. In honesty, if the risk and the secret were gone, it wouldn't be the same. I've thought about continuing the A but I don't see the point of its frustration. I'm tired of feeling selfish for wanting to be a priority to someone that will never put me on the top of his list (or even the top 5) and I'm tired of feeling guilty for sabotaging a good person and putting my H (who I do love also) in a position to be hurt.

My MM knows I want to end it, & I told him I wanted to end it in June (when NC is possible)so he knows it's coming, even though he's not making it the easiest decision for me. But sometimes I would love to stay in the A just a little bit longer and I'm afraid June will turn into July, etc. I'm a very strong person and just can't believe I can't make this decision and stick with it.

What I'm wondering is what was the turning point for you that said "OK it's over and that's it?" Did anyone feel frustrated with the A that they deserved more than being a "part time" activity. And how do you get back into the swing of being with just your H who makes you happy but not over the top special?

Sorry for all the questions but I always thought starting an A was harder than ending it. Boy was I wrong.

Gem

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: geminigirl67
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 1:42pm
Welcome, Gem! Your post is exactly what I needed to respond to today because I'm feeling alittle wishy washy myself and this gives me an opportunity to remind myself of WHY I'M DOING THE RIGHT THING!!!

There came a point when I realized, truly realized in my heart, that I wasn't going to end my M. Unlike your situation, my marriage was all but over while my A was going on. In fact, my H was also involved with another woman. Once I realized I wasn't going to end my marriage, there was, as you said in your post, absolutely no reason to remain in the A. If you think prolonging the agony from June to July will help any, sorry, honey, I'll bet you're mistaken. It's just not easy to get yourself free of an A.

I think you've already taken the best step toward ending it: you made a DECISION. Now, even though its going to become uncomfortable and painful (and it WILL get uncomfortable and painful) you have to keep reminding yourself that in the light of day, with some very valid reasons in mind, you made a decision. Let that decision guide your actions, instead of reacting to every instance of uncomfortability or pain. If you miss him incredibly some day (and you WILL have those days) try to remember that you made a decision to end this A and its healthy and normal to miss him, but it won't do anyone any good to resume the A or even have some contact with him.

This is tough stuff, Gem. I wish you the best of luck ending the A when you're ready to do that. This board has given me tremendous support; I'm not sure I could have made it to 90 days post-A without this community!!! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
In reply to: geminigirl67
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 1:54pm
Thank you so much for responding so fast. I think I posted here looking for a sign and your reply is exactly what I needed. I admire all of you on this board for your strength and advice and hope someday I can do the same.

I already hurt just thinking the A is ending. Even though it's my decision, it's still hard because I know I'm hurting MM, but if I'm completely honest with my self, I would rather have MM hurt than my H.

I'm sure come June (and it's coming fast) I'll be posting more. And congratulations on your 90 day anniversary, you are definitely an inspiration.

Gem

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
In reply to: geminigirl67
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 10:57am
During my A, i too felt frustrated and felt like i deserved more than being just a "part-time" activity. I wanted to spend the weekends and holidays with him instead of just a couple nites a week and then left wondering when i would be able to spend time with him again. It seemed like whenever we made plans to do something together, something would always come up and we never got around to doing that activity together. I knew he had other responsibilities, but i felt like i was # 2,345 on his list.

I can't relate to the being M part during the A, cuz i was the single girl having the A with MM. But ime glad to see you thinking this thing thru and trying to put an end to the A. It's tough on you and will suck the life out of you emotionally if you continue in the A and your marriage. From reading the posts from others who are M and involved or were involved in an A, alot of your energy will be put into this A and not your M where it needs to be (I was divorced b4 my A, so i know marriage is tough and it takes alot of work to keep it going).

Good Luck to you in sticking to your decision to end your A, and don't let him talk you out of it for his own selfish reasons. And if you find that you want to continue to be friends with him after your decision to end it, i can tell you that you will need to be very strong since ime finding it very difficult not to be drawn back into the A.

Take Care....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
In reply to: geminigirl67
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 11:17am
Gem,

Your story is just like mine however I think My A is over. At least I hope it is. We have not talked for 1 1/2 weeks. My work has noticed how upset I have been this last month trying to end it. THey dont know what is going on. They just know something is. As long as he does not contact me I will be ok. Last time I tried to stop this I changed my cell phone # and he got it which drug me back into the A. I love my H. We have problems but he loves me too and I am not second in his life. MM is just sometthing selfish I did. We were friends and do work together. I will be OK, I hope. Pray I dont return to the A

Shop

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
In reply to: geminigirl67
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 12:07pm
Hi Gem, I would just like to offer my support to you and everyone else on this board. I hope you have an easier time than me in ending your A. Mine was going on for over 2 years then he started NC about a month ago. So I maintained that. During the time I was trying to rebuild my M and was making some progress with H.

Then suddenly last Friday I heard from MM again. He said he thought it was best to end things because his W was becoming suspicious of him. So we talked for awhile then he suggests getting together again!! Then we talked on Monday, and nothing again since.

I'm not going to contact him. If this truly is the end, so be it. Actually, it still hurts sometimes to think I'll never see him again.

But then when I'm with H, I can actually forget about MM for long and longer periods of time. Good luck to you honey.

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
In reply to: geminigirl67
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 12:20pm
I just wanted to thank all of you for your support and understanding. I'm so glad I found this board because when I think I need strength I find it here. Even though I'm ending the A I feel so lonely and hurt.

I know all of our situations are different but we hold a common bond and I pray for us all to have the strength to realize what we need in life and not settle for less than what we deserve. I am too good a person to have anyone else's table scraps and my H is too good for me to not give him my whole. Not that it's easy to forget my A because I do love him at some level. Wish me luck in June when I'll really be put to the test.

Thank you all again and I hope someday I can do the same for you, but know that your strength is helping others.