withclarity

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2008
withclarity
8
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 12:20pm

I need you. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 12:57pm

I'm here!

I'm sorry, Sue, you got hurt again.  I hope you are okay.

Please, I beg of you, let this be the impetus to turn your back on this relationship once and for all.  The alcoholics first priority is chasing the drink, then drinking the drink, and then being passed out from the drink...there's really no time left for anyone or anything else.  And no one can help them but themselves.

I think you got a peek into how the future would pan out with JAM...pretty scary.

So, what are you going to do?  Did you block him?

Clarity

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2008
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 2:48pm

Thank you for getting back to me.  Yes I have a block but its not back on yet.  

I think I'm just at this point, a point I wasn't at until the last day or two, where I'm wondering how I could have let my life gotten to where it is with him.  The hurt is so bad right now.  This man claims to love me yet  he put my welfare in jeopardy.  Doesn't he realize that he did that and that he never apologized? Or do they get so caught up in drinking that they arent thinking? I realize he has a lot to face right now, 5 counts against him, but when is he planning to stop and think about me?  I don't know why its so important to me, maybe because I was raised a different way or lived my life in a way where you thought of others and said you were sorry.  He said he's done drinking and hes going to get help if he cant stop. I think help is his only safe way to go but its not for me to worry about. I have to start thinking of me and my family.  

You know, I just look back over my life, and never in my life was I in a position like I was that evening.  I'm inexperienced with police, courts etc.. I tried to always live a clean life where others respected me and I respected them.  So what happpened that night?  

I hate to say it but I love him and I'm so scared for him.  The last I spoke to him he was so depressed and didnt want to speak to anyone, he's just gone into his shell, hating himself and his life.  I feel guilty bailing on anyone at a time like this but I don't see how I can put myself in a position to be there for him. 

Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
In reply to: worthmore
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 3:34pm

I married into a family with an alcoholic and one of the things I've noticed is they have an expectation that what they do while drinking doesn't count. They don't have to say they're sorry but if they do then you're expected to say it's okay and you forgive them. As you can imagine, I'm not very popular with my in-laws because I don't stick to the script.

So I'm not surprised there hasn't been a thought for you. I'm more surprised that this is the first time it's been an issue.

Here's my take on the concept of JAM. I don't interpret it as a perjorative. I read it quite literally. He is just a man. Not magic. Not superhuman. He has no extraordinary powers. He's just a man. Can you see him that way? He didn't make you go out on the boat. He didn't make you break NC. You're the powerful one here. You've always had the power to choose. Now, I agree we don't always get to choose who we love and sometimes our love lands on the undeserving. But we do get to choose how we handle our love. So I say love him if you must but be truly loving. It isn't loving to let him keep living the way he's living, endangering those who love him, until he kills someone. You? Himself? Don't love him to death. It might be most loving of all to step back and let him find the bottom. There have to be consequences to him for drinking, operating a boat and putting you and others in danger. And stepping back doesn't mean putting your life on hold. He is not able to be with you because he is committed elsewhere (with alcohol and a live-in girlfriend). Stepping back means stepping back into your own life and putting the other evening behind you.

I feel as if I'm lecturing and I don't want to do that. I'm just afraid that if you succumb to an idea of being powerless because you love him, you might end up losing everything. And that would be horrible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2008
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 3:42pm

Worthmore, 

 

How do I "truly love him"?  I don't follow you on that line. 

Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
In reply to: worthmore
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 3:52pm
My computer is touchy and posted before I'd finished. Was truly love him my last line before? Does my edited post make more sense?

I find these situations hard because I have similar circumstances in my life although my relative doesn't drive a boat. But I would be so scared if I got into a situation where the alcoholic had control over the safety issue. I'm trying not to project but I've been in circumstances where no amount of reason could get through to my relative and I can't help but be worried for you. I'm so glad you've got counselling arranged and you're recommitting to NC (at least I think that's what you said). You've learned a lot, I think.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2008
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 4:04pm

Ahh yes the edited verzion helped so much! lol  I understand what your telling me and I've done so much reading about drinking the last few days.  Its this guilt I feel for bailing on someone who's down and out but from what I've read and you have only verified it, the best thing I can do for him is to bail on him and its the BEST thing I can do for myself.  

I don't want a life thats filled with all this craziness with any man.  It is definitely something that progresses over time, because all I can see is how over the years (7 years) this has become such a bigger and bigger issue.  He doesn't drink everyday, but a few days a week, and when he does he doesn't know when to say "I had enough".  

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 4:34pm

Yes I have a block but its not back on yet.  

Why not?

I think I'm just at this point, a point I wasn't at until the last day or two, where I'm wondering how I could have let my life gotten to where it is with him.  The hurt is so bad right now.  

This is the big question you'll bring to your therapist's table, and she'll help you sort through it all.  

This man claims to love me yet  he put my welfare in jeopardy.  Doesn't he realize that he did that and that he never apologized? Or do they get so caught up in drinking that they arent thinking? I realize he has a lot to face right now, 5 counts against him, but when is he planning to stop and think about me?  

Addicts are self-destructive...and people who are self-destructive don't love themselves.  And when one doesn't love themself, how can they love others?  All they think about is the drug...it is a priority over people....try not to take it personally.  And, like worthmore said, the word apology doesn't ever seem to be in their vocabulary because they have a difficult time acknowledging that they were wrong. ..or even if they remember what they did if they drank to a black-out state.  Maturity is not their strong suit. I've heard that alcoholics stop growing emotionally when they start drinking/drugging...that why it seems you can't reason with them, that you feel like you are talking to an adolescent...they have to blame people, places and things for their lives circumstances.

 

He said he's done drinking and hes going to get help if he cant stop. I think help is his only safe way to go but its not for me to worry about. I have to start thinking of me and my family.  

Who knows, maybe this accident may turn out to be his 'scared straight' moment...and he will do something about his drinking.  You can't make that your concern.  You're right, you have to start thinking about you and your family. 

I hate to say it but I love him and I'm so scared for him.  

Sue, we can love anyone we want...as many people as we want...doesn't mean that they fit, or can be, in our lives.  And we can detach with love.  You don't have to hate him.  Like parents who kick the kids out of the nest, to make them learn to stand on their own two feet, and face all the challenges of the world as adults.

The last I spoke to him he was so depressed and didnt want to speak to anyone, he's just gone into his shell, hating himself and his life.  I feel guilty bailing on anyone at a time like this but I don't see how I can put myself in a position to be there for him.

From past experience in the AA world, he'll do either of two things...get his butt to AA or drink even more due to self-loathing and shame.

I hope you do not use this as yet another excuse to hang on.  He's probably quite seasoned by now at laying on guilt trips to manipulate people....beware.  He is a big boy and will have to find his own way...just as it is time for you to do the same.

((hugs))

Clarity 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2008
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 9:06am

Clarity, 

Reading the part of your post about people with alcohol issues, sounded as if you actually knew him.  It was so dead on. 

 

Addicts are self-destructive...and people who are self-destructive don't love themselves.  And when one doesn't love themself, how can they love others?  All they think about is the drug...it is a priority over people....try not to take it personally.  And, like worthmore said, the word apology doesn't ever seem to be in their vocabulary because they have a difficult time acknowledging that they were wrong. ..or even if they remember what they did if they drank to a black-out state.  Maturity is not their strong suit. I've heard that alcoholics stop growing emotionally when they start drinking/drugging...that why it seems you can't reason with them, that you feel like you are talking to an adolescent...they have to blame people, places and things for their lives circumstances.

He recently made a comment on two occassions about loving me or her. Saying that he always believes he loves me but wonders how he can love either of us when he doesnt love himself.  There are times he has said the nicest, sweetest things, and times he has been out right cruel when he's drinking. As far as being wrong, when I told him (while he was sober) how the officers said how lucky we were, he insisted that they didn't know what they were talking about.  It was if he couldn't accept the severity of his actions.  He asked me to say I was driving, and I wouldnt do it. The next day I asked him about it and he said he remembered asking. And that had I have done that it would have turned out better, but then again a witness already told police he was.  So again, there was no acceptance on his part,  no sorry for asking me to do that. I honestly thought the drink made him ask me that and that in a sober state he would never ask that of me, but guess what even sober he thought it was okay to expect that of me.  

The block is back on. This can't be an excuse for me to hang on for many reasons, but just a few: 

1.  I have to take care of me. This stress of the relationship and the sprial downfall he's been on with drinking has brought me too much unhappiness. The first DUI he shut me out for weeks, then the drinking one day was how she found his phone and brought on the dday, now this.....

2.  If she packed her bags and left today, it wouldn't mean a thing for me and him.  He damaged our relationship so much at this point.  And for that I'm so angry at him.  He's done and said things that I cant forget. I realize the disease causes it but I can't let it be an excuse. 

And lastly, 

Sue, we can love anyone we want...as many people as we want...doesn't mean that they fit, or can be, in our lives.  And we can detach with love.  You don't have to hate him.  

This is so very true.  I think of my brother who walked away from his family over a pointless dispute.  He speaks to none of us in the family.  But the truth is I still love him, hes' my brother, he's just not a part of my life.  And I saw it first hand when my other brother had his accident. He came to the trauma unit to see him, told him he loved him, but then disappeared out of our lives again.  

Point is Ill always love him. People tell me I should hate him, but I cant Clarity.  I just have to find a place to store the love.  I really hope someone out there helps him see he needs help, and as a friend said to me maybe as the week passes by and he realizes I disappeared on him, he will see that his drinking has cost him me too.

Enabling him isn't in his best interest, so maybe being unsuppportive right now isn't wrong, its the right thing to do....my last gift to him to show him how much I truly love him.