Withdrawal pangs
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| Thu, 05-06-2004 - 6:11pm |
In a nutshell, in EMA for 2 years off and on, FWBs, FWOBs, and finally just FWOBs. MM is turning into an OM as he and W are divorcing. I began to really love MM and we stopped the benefits of EMA because I'm married too and this was not good. I then became his trusted friend and adviser and would help him w/ marriage issues. We were friends only when I sensed he was seeing others and warned him. Family life is so important to him and told him he should not jeopardize his family unless that person was worth it. Of course, he didn't listen. W filed for divorce. MM calls me crying and we would talk everyday. We met a few times and we made love since now he was hornier than ever even tho we're still just friends. Out of the blue his W calls my DH. Of course, I deny. DH contacts MM and it's a mess and he denies. We play it cool for a few weeks but when we see eachother the attraction/chemistry or whatever you want to call it is still there. We make love a few times each time swearing it's the last time. The last time I called him afterward and told him no more, friends only. He agreed and said this time he's resolved to be strong.
Now the hard part. Even tho we're just friends we would still talk at least two or three times a week. This past week he hasn't called or returned my calls. When I asked him if he wants me to not call him he said "no, that's not it at all". Is that just a line???
I miss him and I feel it's time for me to move on. He said we'll get together next week when he returns from out of town because he needs a letter for his D and asked me to prepare it for him. In the meantime my marriage is on the rocks and DH is in his find fault mood criticizing anything and everything. MM was my sounding board as I was his and now there's no one. DH is organized at everything he does, is always early to everything, knows where everything is, and demands nothing less than perfect order and I feel like I'm more of a possession. I've always been the best wife, mother and sacrificed as most of us do. My life w/ MM was fun and we'd laugh about silly things, all mostly on the phone. In the process I discovered a lot about myself and that I still had a lot of "life" in me. I discovered "me". The things about me that irritate DH are the things that MM loves the mostest. Now all that has come to a halt and it looks like even our friendship isn't what it was. Like he just disappeared from my life. To top it off, a mutual friend (who isn't aware of EMA entirely) tells me that MM is seeing a team mom who also is in the process of divorce (MM coaches his kids) and that the team mom is getting too serious and MM is backing off from her. He's now in Yahoo Personals "looking for a girlfriend".
I miss our friendship and miss him period. Is it an addiction or what? I love him as a friend plus more, but why and how do I get him out of my blood? I feel he misses me too (is that just wishful thinking?) but he said he was going to be strong this time and I guess he is stronger than me. I feel I have this huge void in me and so I'm trying to stay busy with work, etc., but a day doesn't go by that I don't think of him, some days more so than others. Will that change because I just can't see it. One of our "promises" to stop he once said that I need to forget about him. Will I? How long does it take to forget?
This was my first (& last) EMA. I can't see myself being with anyone else. We both admit to never experiencing the chemistry/passion with anyone else before. Is that what it is? How and when will I get over him? He's been my best friend and then some. Any good books on Affairs? I'm taking all the advice I can get, staying busy with work, redecorating and remodeling my house, buying new clothes, you name it. What else can I do to get him out of my mind, heart, body, and soul?
Luvin

Here's a hundred hugs from me to you!
Gigi
I wish I could explain the addiction, but I can't. I empathize with you. And I further sympathize with you when others knock you down because they dismiss all of your actions as you having your cake and eating it, too.
When I presented my situation to others on a different message board, I was shot down. I was told to 'act like a married woman'. I'm aware of the promises I've made, as I am sure you are. I also know that I never promised I'd stop being a woman, never promised my needs wouldn't change, never promised it would be easy.
Mind you, I've 'emotionally' cheated on my husband. I have a close male friend whom I confide in. He is my intimate friend. We work together. I've never slept with him. He gives me more as a friend than he could ever give me in bed. We have cybersex. There is a very strong attraction between us. Society considers it cheating because I've chosen to keep what's between us between US.
I do hope that what your MM gave you to make you feel whole, you'll recover in your marriage. I don't really think it matters whether he still thinks of you. But the fact that you still think of him means you still crave what this man gave you. Not having that leaves you feeling hollow-I know the feeling. I'm contemplating telling my husband why I'm such close friends with my 'medicine'. It seems the only way to better connect with my husband. Are you going to tell your husband how your MM found you endearing in ways he doesn't? Maybe that's a first step.
Good luck connecting.
My H knows we've been good friends, and he knows why. He's trying to be a friend but I don't open up to him bc he always twists things and then throws it in my face, things that are harmless. H and I are discussing separation but staying married. Just getting some space between each other bc he has severe mood swings where he criticizes me from A to Z and I can't take that any longer. It's affecting my physical body and my body is shutting down literally. I know he's afraid I'll enjoy my newfound freedom and not return which is kinda what I feel too. We'll see. Thanks for being there for me and I hope I can help others.
Does anyone know of any good books on Affairs? There is so much psychological stuff behind it all and it's interesting to discover why we otherwise "good" people end up in EMAs in the first place. If it weren't for this Board I don't know what we'd all do.
Thanks everyone and hopefully I can be in a position to give advice ... one day ... soon hopefully.
Luvin
I agree, that EMAs fill voids ... in both parties. That's all fine, but I feel the problem comes when the void turns to love. Otherwise I could replace the void just like one replaces other voids, with other actions, preoccupations, etc. When the heart gets involved and one falls in love I feel that it takes more than changing one's activities, and takes more time. I can truly say that I love my MM turned OM as a person and his happiness is more important to me than anything and that I want him to find the love he's missing in his life. We talk about it all the time ... finding love ... and we do love each other and have a special kind of friendship that's new to both of us. Even tho we both want what's best for each other there's a twinge of jealousy when we talk about either of us seeing someone else, which I know he is trying out. It's all so complex but then again simple if you know what I mean. Will look for your post & thanks for everything!
Luvin
You would think that love is such a powerful emotion that it would be alittle easier to identify, wouldn't you????
Just last night I spent alot of time agonizing over where my OMM is right now. I realized that its been almost 90 days since we broke up, the seasons have changed. The last time we made love was on February 16. The last time I saw him I was bundled up in a coat and scarf. It's about 90 degrees where I live today. Why does this seem so significant today??? I have no idea. It feels like its been forever, and sometimes it feels like I dreamed the whole thing.
Yes, I absolutely want my OMM to find love. I know he didn't have it in his marriage, that's for sure. More than anything, I want him to be happy and safe. And here comes the guilt, because he feels that I ruined his life. Yeah, the void I filled for HIM definitely became love.
Feel better! Love, Mo.