Wondering how to cope
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Wondering how to cope
| Sun, 10-31-2004 - 2:53pm |
I have had an ongoing A for about 6 months and we decided that we both need to work on our respective M's. He is someone who works with me and I see him all the time. He has been honest with me about what this is from the beginning and I knew it was not permanent. I went into it with my eyes open, but somewhere along the line I developed feelings for him. I guess if I were to be honest with myself, I had feelings before it ever became sexual. It is just a break, but I think it would be better to just end it altogether. Unfortunately, that is easier said than done because I still want him. He is like a drug and I want more. My M was in trouble before all of this began and it started with me talking to the OMM about my problems. We would have liasons in the office, sometimes when we could have easily gotten caught, but we did not care. I know it would be easy to start the A back up again, but I told him that I would leave him alone even though he told me that was not necessary. I still love my H but I have had thoughts of just getting a divorce. I don't know how to stop wanting the OMM and the thrill of the A. To his credit, he has not been in the office as much and has not stayed late since the talk. Now I feel unwanted and depressed and use substances to escape my emotions. I feel like my world is going to come crashing down around me. I feel like I am not good enough for my H and that he deserves better. I am so confused. Should I push to start the A back up again? Sometimes I feel like I need it in order to feel desirable. I never stopped being intimate with my H, although it was extremely difficult at times to keep up both relationships. I like the secrecy and the double life and so did the OMM. I know I should leave it alone, but I am equally certain that it will happen again.
My family has noticed the difference in my personality and have questioned me about what is wrong. I know my H has noticed differences in my personality as well. I have been eating and sleeping a lot less and as a result I feel tired a good portion of the time. This is a habit that I need to break, but I am not strong enough to let go. The A made me feel more sexual and attractive. Now that we sort of broke it off, I feel a little depressed. Should I seek counseling? I just don't know what to do. The A is destructive, but I want it so badly. The A was a means to escape the problems within my M and now I have to face them. I am so confused and a little scared. Help

I'm sorry that I don't have a ton of time to reply to you -- gotta do the trick-or-treat thing :-)
But I have two assignments for you:
1. Assignment One:
Yes--seek counseling, even if it's just a couple sessions. I have said before here that I don't believe in long-term "forever" counseling, but we all need some neutral, 3rd party advice from a trained professional from time to time.
2. Assignment Two:
Read all the threads on this board from the last month. You will see so much pain, but you will also read success stories. After you read everything, you will hopefully agree that it's pointless to delay the inevitable. You are worth so much more than this A!!!!!
GOOD LUCK!!
Meg
Thanks for the advice. I plan on seeking counseling, but I know that coming clean with my H is not possible as I work with the OM, nor can he come clean with his W. It simply is not possible. I have tried to rationalize the A and have managed to avoid feeling guilt most of the time. Unfortunately, the OM telling me that he wanted to take a break to deal with the problems in his M made the guilt come to the surface. Even after the OM wanted a break, I talked to him for an hour on the phone re the problems in my M. Somehow we are able to be normal with each other around all of the people we work with. I still consider him a friend and talk to him, something I know I should stop but he is so easy to talk to and won't judge me. I know I am "in love" with him and seeing him all the time isn't helping. I know he still wants me and I still want him. Even though we discussed the reasons to "take a break" rationally, I still feel like he is rejecting me. All it would take is a kiss and I will melt. He is in control and knows it. I should completely tear myself away from the OM and the A, but it is nearly impossible. This is my first A and he says that this is his first as well, but I can't say I really believe him or care. I am not stupid. I don't see us together in any way other than this A. It would just be too easy to fall back into him. The only thing I can do is make sure we are not alone together, and that might require that I leave and I am just not sure I have the strength. Do you suggest being honest with my H? That would probably mean quitting my job and I love my bosses and my job. He is not even a co-worker, just someone in the same office space.
Malli
Telling your H is your decision. I didn't and I am comfortable with that. When you read all these posts, you will see all sorts of ideas about that topic, as well as other things that will help you through ending this. There was a discussion just today about telling vs. not telling. Seriously, if you read all the posts since the beginning of Septmeber, you'll get a quick education.
G2G -- doorbell is ringing -- gotta give out the candy ;-)
Meg
P.S. you will see as you read all the posts that my XMM and I had a similar relationship to yours -- we even ended things well--doesn't make it easy, that's 4 sure.
Yes, yes, yes, the escape and the thrill. You'll see that posted all over this board. Most of us admit to being addicted to the thrill and the feelings and the intensity and the edginess of the lifestyles we found ourselves in. Interesting, isn't it? You're certainly not alone. Give some good thought to WHY you crave this thrill in your life and start trying to figure out some other saner ways to get it. Professional counseling is always a good idea when we find ourselves in situations we dont totally understand.
As far as starting the A back up? I don't think that's a good idea. Between the substances and the A, you're clearly battling something much deeper and you need to explore what's causing you to act out in these ways. Continuing the A is only going to mask the real problems in your life.
I know it's difficult - we all know its difficult. Try NC and keep posting here. There's some awesome support on this board. We'll give you tons of free advice and encouragement, and smack you in the cyber head with a 2x4 when necessary. Love, Mo.