Wondering if I'm fooling myself

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wondering if I'm fooling myself
20
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 10:45am
Trying to keep this as short as possible let me explain my situation. I am divorced and got involved with a MM from work almost 2 yrs ago. At first he told me that he would never leave his family, and at the time I didn't care. But strong feelings developed very quickly for both and before we hit the 6 mo mark he was talking about leaving. However, knowing his devotion to his family I knew that this would be a very hard decision for him to make. 32 yrs of married is something to consider. He explains that he left yrs ago but as soon as he did she turned up pregnant so he went back, for his daughter. She made him promise at that time that he would never do that to her again and he did so. Well that was 18 yrs ago, and while he swears that he loves me he's just not sure how to tell her that he is leaving. He has made several attempts with it resulting in her getting hysterical and threatening suicide. Naturally this made me feel like he was only making excuses and I told him to choose or I would have to walk away. But even saying this I knew that I was going to have trouble doing it if it came to that. Well, several deadline have come and gone and I am still here, but just recently during an episode he finally saw how much this is effecting me and hurting me. He came to me and told me that he can't continue to do this to me as he loves me entirely to much to do this. He says that he knows that if I were to make him live without him that he would miss me to much and would have to make that choice that he just can't seem to make otherwise, so where's the problem right? Well, I've found it entirely to hard to just cut this man out of my life, he has become such a big part of it, going cold turkey is not an option. Knowing that I can't stop it he has suggested that we continue to keep in touch but not act on our desires to be together until he can work things out and tell her. He claims that he understands that this is just another form of waiting on my part, and that he would understand if I choose not to. Should I try this or simply walk away?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 10:55am
Sounds like the W is really working the strings on this guy, with threatening suicide, etc. You may have to get out the big guns too, if you really do want him.

It sounds like if you don't give him some type of ultimatum or deadline, this things going to go on like it is for a lot longer. Because if you are single (and it sounds like it?) this is not fair to you!! You deserve better and a real relationship.

Its your life, do you want to stay like this indefinitely?

If his DC's grown up (18 years I would say so!) he's got to make up his mind what he wants. Make this MM step up to the plate and make a decision one way or the other. If he continues to says he can't ltell her because he's afraid W will try to kill herself or something equally dramatic like that, you may as well forget about him ever leaving, the W knows too well how to control him. JMHO

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 2:26pm
Hi Dusty,

Thinking about what you said, your probably right, after 32 yrs she must know what strings to pull to get to him. But, giving him ultimadums I'm not ready to follow through on would only make this situation worse. He is willing to accept that we can't go on as things are, and has offered not to push me if this is what I want. Neither one of us wants to just cease any type of relationship between us, as we enjoy each other's company in and out of bed. He has suggested that we take a few steps back at this point and refrain from taking our relationship into the bedroom anticipating that this will force him to make his decision, and I'm just not sure this is such a good idea as this would not only be tempting him but me as well. I'm just wondering if there is no real solution to this mess other than walking away and hoping he'll follow??????? Your thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 3:12pm
Maybe you will have to have NC with him while he makes up his mind what he's going to do. Only you know if that's what you want. I know it would be really hard, but if you want him to yourself, maybe you'll have to take that chance.

I can't really speak from experience as I've not gotten into this situation yet, still M and so is MM, no talk of either of leaving.

But awhile ago, I was thinking about leaving H and I told MM if I did, I would be starting to date. Because for myself, I know I could not be content just seeing him when it was convenient for him.

And as much as it would hurt me (and that would be alot), I would look for someone else who was available to me ALL the time.

I would still see MM while I was trying to find that available guy though, don't get me wrong!! Still, it can't hurt you to set a little fire underneath him, at least with letting him know you are going to date, and then get started.

If he really wants you, you'll know soon enough!!

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 3:31pm
Hi Dusty,

Realizing that resorting to NC would be extremely hard for me to pull off, remember we work together, your idea of informing him that I thought it was time that I start to see other people sounds like a keeper. When he sees how it feels to have to share my time with another then maybe he'll understand where it is that I'm coming from. And what the worse that could happen, I meet someone else and finally have a healthy relationship? Hmm, now how to get back into the dating game as it's been some time??????

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 11:03pm
Walk away. I've read hundreds of stories on this board and yours sounds like a classic cake-eater. He wants the comforts of home and you on the side. He thinks that if you cut out the sex that it won't hurt, that you can be "just friends" and that it will be ok. This is really naive. Most of the women on this board who have tried to be "just friends" have found that it "just doesn't work." It hurts too much. When you love someone you want to be with them all the time and don't want to have to share them with someone else.

It doesn't sound to me like he really loves you. He says he does and he may feel love, but he's not acting on it. And love is a verb, you have to do things to show someone you love them, not just say "I love you" while you're cheating on your wife.

You deserve better. Cut him loose. Today. Now. Don't wait another minute.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 4:45pm

"Should I try this or simply walk away?"


From personal experience of being married to someone prone to drama as is your xMM, I believe MM has to decide if he REALLY wants a different life or if wants the drama to continue also.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 11:47am
He's due to come over tonight,I was thinking about signing on line and letting him read my post and the wonderful replies that I have received from same, and then he should get the message, don't you think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 12:18pm
dek:

I've thought of showing my MM this board quite a few times... I was going to really show him the light :) I'm glad I never did. My biggest reason for not showing him was because it would ruin *my* safe haven. You come first. We come first. If you show your MM this site, you will never know if he's looking at what you are saying. Once you have let that person in, you will never be as candid and this will no longer be your safe place. What matters the most is us and *our* sanity - not proving very valid points to men that have no clue to begin with. That was my primary reason for not doing it - I just wasn't going to risk losing this board as my only outlet for the 'off chance' that my MM would get some kind of big revelation and see what he was doing to me... NOT. I needed this place as a safety net. I'm just asking that you think twice about what you will be giving up just so that you can try to prove your point to your MM. It is a point that probably wouldn't go the way you wanted either... there's a very big chance that he will say, "oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know, yadiyadiya" and then carry on as usual by staying right where he is with his wife. You won't be able to show him anything because, right now, he doesn't want to see. A person has to be willing to have their eyes open to see something new - and sometimes, that is just too painful for people. Opening his eyes for him by force probably isn't going to work. People don't change anything until they are ready to. All you can do is decide whether or not *you* want to deal with this situation any longer - and, don't take away *your* support system in the process.

JMHO

Bird

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 5:20pm
Your situation is very similar to mine. One difference is that I became sick of being in the "OW" position and broke up with him. He came back a few days later and told me that he couldn't live without me, was truly in love and knew that the right thing to do was to end his marriage.

He's been married 20 years. He asked me to wait for him. He has cheated on his wife during most of their marriage. I've been waiting, it's frustrating, but I see his actions. Not just hearing his words. He has finally gotten all of his ducks in a row. For him this was important. He has spoken to his kids, to his family and friends, to her, met with an attorney, helped her find a job, saved his money and has searched and found a place to live. He tells me that he is leaving before the end of this month.

This has been a very difficult journey for me and I know that I can't keep putting my life on hold continuing to be a part of this. I wouldn't be here though if I didn't believe in US. I have however, compromised my integrity enough and it has really taken a strain on our relationship.

To answer your question about whether or not you should walk away, it's your choice. You know your limit. His floundering and fence sitting after 2 years got to the point where I almost completely lost respect for myself. I am gaining that back now. Making choices that I feel are good for me.

I hope this helps.

~Love

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 6:40pm
I've already reach the point of where I'm losing self respect for myself for not being able to follow through with what I say that I am going to do when he doesn't leave. Numerous times I've done exactly that and your right it's going to have to be when I finally had enough before I can walk away and mean it, but what sacres me is that by the time that rolls around our relationship might be beyond salvagable. And that's what I wish I could avoid.

Debbie

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