Wondering if I'm fooling myself
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Wondering if I'm fooling myself
| Fri, 03-19-2004 - 10:45am |
Trying to keep this as short as possible let me explain my situation. I am divorced and got involved with a MM from work almost 2 yrs ago. At first he told me that he would never leave his family, and at the time I didn't care. But strong feelings developed very quickly for both and before we hit the 6 mo mark he was talking about leaving. However, knowing his devotion to his family I knew that this would be a very hard decision for him to make. 32 yrs of married is something to consider. He explains that he left yrs ago but as soon as he did she turned up pregnant so he went back, for his daughter. She made him promise at that time that he would never do that to her again and he did so. Well that was 18 yrs ago, and while he swears that he loves me he's just not sure how to tell her that he is leaving. He has made several attempts with it resulting in her getting hysterical and threatening suicide. Naturally this made me feel like he was only making excuses and I told him to choose or I would have to walk away. But even saying this I knew that I was going to have trouble doing it if it came to that. Well, several deadline have come and gone and I am still here, but just recently during an episode he finally saw how much this is effecting me and hurting me. He came to me and told me that he can't continue to do this to me as he loves me entirely to much to do this. He says that he knows that if I were to make him live without him that he would miss me to much and would have to make that choice that he just can't seem to make otherwise, so where's the problem right? Well, I've found it entirely to hard to just cut this man out of my life, he has become such a big part of it, going cold turkey is not an option. Knowing that I can't stop it he has suggested that we continue to keep in touch but not act on our desires to be together until he can work things out and tell her. He claims that he understands that this is just another form of waiting on my part, and that he would understand if I choose not to. Should I try this or simply walk away?

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The only thing that is keeping me going is our love and devotion for eachother and the fact that I know that he is divorcing his wife.
A long time ago I told him to stop telling me things he's "going to do". Actions speak louder than words. He has shown me a lot so far through his actions, and also during this relationship. He has changed so much.
Go with your gut. If he is going to leave, give him space. Be patient. It's a tough position we are in, and I know how you feel.
~Love
It sounds like limbo. I know how that feels. It sucks. The thing is, his wife is very manipulative and it's nothing new. If he leaves her and she decides to commit suicide it is not his fault. She is desperately trying to control him. It's sad to be in that predicament. She's been married to him for so very long that she probably doesn't know how to function without him. He must truly feel trapped. Has he gotten her into therapy? Maybe through therapy he can make her realize that he is doing her no favors by remaining married to her and not being committed to the marriage. Have his adult kids been helpful at all? It's going to be hard for you but if I were in your situation, I would slowly wean myself away. If he ever leaves her, it won't be for a long time. Go out with friends. I hope that you can eventually look at other men (single), and find one who can step up to the plate for you.
~Love
Regarding the weaning that I suggested. I've never been an advocate of lies. I am upfront and honest also. I told him that he is losing me. Telling him this and slowly pulling away from him and seeing his actions not just hearing his words will make things clearer to you.
Only you know how much of this you can take. If he wants to leave, he will. It's that simple. Instead he is letting her manipulate him. There are a lot of issues here. Is this attractive to you?? He is in control of what he is doing at all times.....Like I said before. If she chooses to hurt herself because he leaves, it's not his fault. Maybe he should find a mediator such as a counselor to help her deal with the fact that he wants out of the marriage. If that is what he wants.
JMHO
~Love
I am glad that I could help in any way, yes I would love to stay in touch. I can't figure out how to access my e-mail on ivillage for my username so give me your address and I'll e-mail you from my personal account :-)
~Love
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