Wondering if I'm fooling myself

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wondering if I'm fooling myself
20
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 10:45am
Trying to keep this as short as possible let me explain my situation. I am divorced and got involved with a MM from work almost 2 yrs ago. At first he told me that he would never leave his family, and at the time I didn't care. But strong feelings developed very quickly for both and before we hit the 6 mo mark he was talking about leaving. However, knowing his devotion to his family I knew that this would be a very hard decision for him to make. 32 yrs of married is something to consider. He explains that he left yrs ago but as soon as he did she turned up pregnant so he went back, for his daughter. She made him promise at that time that he would never do that to her again and he did so. Well that was 18 yrs ago, and while he swears that he loves me he's just not sure how to tell her that he is leaving. He has made several attempts with it resulting in her getting hysterical and threatening suicide. Naturally this made me feel like he was only making excuses and I told him to choose or I would have to walk away. But even saying this I knew that I was going to have trouble doing it if it came to that. Well, several deadline have come and gone and I am still here, but just recently during an episode he finally saw how much this is effecting me and hurting me. He came to me and told me that he can't continue to do this to me as he loves me entirely to much to do this. He says that he knows that if I were to make him live without him that he would miss me to much and would have to make that choice that he just can't seem to make otherwise, so where's the problem right? Well, I've found it entirely to hard to just cut this man out of my life, he has become such a big part of it, going cold turkey is not an option. Knowing that I can't stop it he has suggested that we continue to keep in touch but not act on our desires to be together until he can work things out and tell her. He claims that he understands that this is just another form of waiting on my part, and that he would understand if I choose not to. Should I try this or simply walk away?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 7:10pm
I completely relate to what you are saying. So many times I wanted to end it while he has been going through this process. I have gone back and forth. Pushed him away, etc. I have had conflicting emotions. I argue with him. I am afraid of sabbotaging the relationship or worse becoming cynical or even indifferent. Sometimes I do feel that way.

The only thing that is keeping me going is our love and devotion for eachother and the fact that I know that he is divorcing his wife.

A long time ago I told him to stop telling me things he's "going to do". Actions speak louder than words. He has shown me a lot so far through his actions, and also during this relationship. He has changed so much.

Go with your gut. If he is going to leave, give him space. Be patient. It's a tough position we are in, and I know how you feel.

~Love

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 9:15pm
I've tried to end it a few times, getting really upset with him when he'll say something that will contract the plans he has been telling me, or when he didn't meet a deadline I had set. Around Xmas time when I told him that I couldn't do this anymore that trying to explain to my kids another xmas why he wasn't around just wasn't me, he told me that he understood and asked me if I would please give him until the end of February, so I did. But, then the end of February came and I was so determined to walk if he couldn't keep his word, but now I'm so angry with myself because I couldn't do it when he came to me and told me that he just couldn't do it as this is when she threatened suicide. And we've had at least three very emotional episodes since then with me telling him that I couldn't do this anymore everytime, only for me to give in the very next day. He has even told me that he can't do this to me anymore but within days were both telling each other how much we miss each other. But since these episodes I've been feeling like he knows it's only a matter of time before I reach my full and he is trying to wean himself slowly away as so not to be totally destroyed when that day comes. You see the last three months I've been out of work, laid off and looking for a job, so he knows that with those circumstances going on I'm not able to be as strong as I normal could if that area of my life was more secure. And he's probably right. Since we've worked together for the last 8 years he's also now starting to realize that I may not be coming back if I get another job, and that bothers him also, as well as me. In the last 21 months since we've been involved there has not been but one day that has gone by that we don't at least talk to one another, so you can understand why it would be so hard to just go cold turkey with NC. He just left and before he did I told him that I felt like I was losing him and the worst part about it was that I had no control over it but am probably the one to blame. He assures me that we are going to be alright, but I just can't see how unless I make the decision to walk away if he can't make his choice. Feel like I'm living in limbo.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 9:20pm
P.S. It is nice to see though that there is hope that sometimes they do mean what they've been telling you. And I understand your fear of the damage that the relationship may have or still has the potential of being harmed all because of the timing. Hang in there, sounds like you got a keeper.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 6:03am
Yes, he is a keeper. We are both so happy with eachother.

It sounds like limbo. I know how that feels. It sucks. The thing is, his wife is very manipulative and it's nothing new. If he leaves her and she decides to commit suicide it is not his fault. She is desperately trying to control him. It's sad to be in that predicament. She's been married to him for so very long that she probably doesn't know how to function without him. He must truly feel trapped. Has he gotten her into therapy? Maybe through therapy he can make her realize that he is doing her no favors by remaining married to her and not being committed to the marriage. Have his adult kids been helpful at all? It's going to be hard for you but if I were in your situation, I would slowly wean myself away. If he ever leaves her, it won't be for a long time. Go out with friends. I hope that you can eventually look at other men (single), and find one who can step up to the plate for you.

~Love

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 8:11am
If you stick to your grounds and walk away he will be all over you. Play hard to get, as hard as it may be, and he will be there in the long run. If he thinks he lost you it will really get to him if he loves you. Tell him not to call you until the divorce is in the works. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 9:38am
I know that you are right that 32 years is such a long time to be together, and for anyone to be able to walk away after spending that much time with someone would be asking almost for a miracle. I just wish that I was in a stronger state of mind right now, as I know with everything else in my life falling apart at the seams I'm not sure I could handle omitting him from my life along with it. Regarding the weaning part, I really don't want to knowingly do that to him as I wouldn't want it done to me, I've always believed in upfront honest communication, so I think it would be best to just come out and tell him without prolonging it any longer. My only problem now is being able to handle the fall out from making this decision. A decision that is so hard to make when you know that what the two of you share is so real, and is felt equally between both of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 5:23pm
I'll tell you what made it increasingly easier for me. Keeping the mental image of him and his wife TOGETHER on the forefront of my mind. And knowing that I don't deserve that, and won't stand for it anymore. Tired of compromising my integrity.

Regarding the weaning that I suggested. I've never been an advocate of lies. I am upfront and honest also. I told him that he is losing me. Telling him this and slowly pulling away from him and seeing his actions not just hearing his words will make things clearer to you.

Only you know how much of this you can take. If he wants to leave, he will. It's that simple. Instead he is letting her manipulate him. There are a lot of issues here. Is this attractive to you?? He is in control of what he is doing at all times.....Like I said before. If she chooses to hurt herself because he leaves, it's not his fault. Maybe he should find a mediator such as a counselor to help her deal with the fact that he wants out of the marriage. If that is what he wants.

JMHO

~Love

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 8:24pm
I can tell you already that he wouldn't want to involve anyone else in this mess, and basically your right he is the only one in control of this, not her, as it's what he allows her to control only does she control. Your words of encouragement have helped me so much, I can't begin to explain how much. I'd like to keep in touch and keep you up to date, as well as I'd love it if you would keep me up to date on your progress, if you want I can give you my direct email address, let me know???
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 5:43am
"Your words of encouragement have helped me so much, I can't begin to explain how much. I'd like to keep in touch and keep you up to date, as well as I'd love it if you would keep me up to date on your progress, if you want I can give you my direct email address, let me know???"

I am glad that I could help in any way, yes I would love to stay in touch. I can't figure out how to access my e-mail on ivillage for my username so give me your address and I'll e-mail you from my personal account :-)

~Love

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 11:26am
Your guess is as good as mine, I didn't even know you had an email account on here. Anyway, my email address is Debbie8109@aol.com, looking forward to hearing from you.

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