Wondering out loud

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wondering out loud
15
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 5:10pm
I'm sitting here bored at work which naturally causes me to think about things, so I thought I would write my thoughts out.

A month or so ago I wrote on the boards about how my xMM decided we shouldn't have contact because his W found out we were still talking as friends and put the pressure on him to choose between the marriage and our friendship. After a couple of weeks of NC, I got back in touch with him and basically "fought" for our friendship which he decided then to stay in touch with me. Well last week he said that it was too soon and we just needed more time to heal. I had an emotional breakdown on the phone with him that day to the point that he was very concerned for me. Monday I wrote to him and told him this time I would stay away. I took full responsibility for forcing myself into his life before he was ready. But I did feel I had a right to know if I would ever hear from him again. He promised I would at some point. He promised he would never forget about me, it wasn't even a possibility. That did give me some comfort.

But now I'm wondering, do they really think about us for a long time afterwards? I think about him every day. We have been officially broken up for 7 months now, but remained friends up until a month ago. I'm actually over the fact that he decided to give his marriage another shot. It took a long time, but I really am. What I'm not over is the no contact and not having him in my life. My best friend - someone I took more pleasure in knowing than I have anyone else in my life. I've been trying to keep myself busy lately and it's worked, but the minute I get some down time, my thoughts stray to him. I wonder if it's the same for him?

Today I'm not even overwhelmingly sad (yet) like I have been lately. It's just a lot of wondering and hoping. Maybe this is a sign that I am moving

on. I would love nothing more than to have this not bother me, I'm just not sure that will ever happen. I feel like we were "meant" to know each other in some way. I've never felt that about anyone, not even in my long term relationships of 4 and 6 years. There's a strong feeling I have inside that never knowing him again just doesn't seem right. I can't really explain it.

This time though I am definitely keeping up the no contact. There's no point in writing to him before he's ready. It won't be that hard. I'm just envious of the people I read about who's X's come back after a period of time, wanting to be in touch again. I'm wondering out loud if that will happen for me. I know nobody but him can answer that, I was just hoping to read about some similar experiences for those that are back in touch with their X's after a break in contact. Thanks for reading and "listening".

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 7:22pm
jessesmom -

i'm sorry to hear that he decided that n/c was a good decision for right now...i know you were happy when he'd decided to stay in contact a couple weeks ago. I don't have a similar experience that i can share with you...but i just wanted you to know that i send (((hugs))) your way. And i have my times too (more often than i would like) when i think of my XMM and wonder if he ever thinks about me ??

I'm still friends with my XMM but ime trying not to contact him anymore b/c I found out last week that the W has been staying the nite at the house (not moved in yet) but sleeping in the same bed. So ime slowly starting to realize that he's made a decision and it doesn't involve me...it involves his W and his child. So ime going to let them figure out what they want in their lives and stay out of it. I find it so hard too b/c there are times when i want to talk with him and i can't. But i want to move on from this...i just wish it were easier.

Keep staying busy and keep coming here for comfort...just remember, everybody has their downtimes. Wish you the best...:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 9:28am
Hey! Yes I was disappointed but not surprised when he decided NC again so it's time to move forward. I hope for him to be in my life one day but only time can tell that.

I'm sorry to hear that you found out those things about your xMM's W. It really does kind of add salt to the wound but like you said the best thing you can do is realize his choice and try and make yourself happy! I'm here if you ever need to talk or vent :-)

Did you get your email thing fixed? I replied to your messages but I don't know if they got through :-)

Anyway take care and hope to hear from you soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 9:47am
Hi JM, I have kind of been thru the NC and then hear from him again, a couple of times that has happened in the past. The longest period of NC until now has been 8 weeks, that we did not talk at all. Then he got in touch, we began seeing each other again.

Now this round, he got scared because his W was suspicious of him. So he started NC the end of March. Did not hear from him at all, until about middle of April, we talked a couple of times. Then nothing again until the 3rd week of May. We had a very steamy phone conversation, he said we should get together the next day, then, nothing.

Have not heard from him again since.

I did send him a short email message saying I know he's trying to work on things at home but if he's ever interested to get in touch, I would still be here.

Anyways, I think you asked if they think about us after a long period or forget? I hope they do not forget us. Like you, I wish things did not end as they did. But I am taking things one day at a time. Trying not to think about how long its been, or how much longer it will be.

I am slowly getting over him, but I'm sure if I heard from him, it would all come right back to me.

He has tried a few times with the NC thing, but the longest its gone like I said, was 8 weeks of total NC.

Right now, its been about 4 weeks since we last talked, so we'll see what happens. I think in a way he does care about me, and wants to know how I am and how my life is going.

So I will hope for the best. Take care, I'll be thinking of you,

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 3:17pm
Hi Dusty,

Thank you for your input. I know I shouldn't want this, but I want him to get back in touch with me so we can try and rebuild a friendship. I know this time I have to wait, but I keep hoping. I wonder if that hope I have is preventing me from moving on. I don't know. I don't feel overwhelmingly sad the past few days as I have in these recent months so that's a good thing.

Anyway I'm glad that you are feeling better and starting to move on. I hope that whether he contacts you again or not, that you are able to be strong and not pulled back into any bad feelings that you've tried so hard to get away from. Take care and I hope the best for you too!

Avatar for kassieree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 11:05pm
My XMM moved away without even saying goodbye. I had sent many msgs when he first left to which he decided to not respond. Eventually his mobile phone was disconnected. His email address is no longer valid. He left 8 months ago & i still wonder every day if he will be in touch some day. I have had over the last 8 months some phone calls, altho not many, where the caller can't be identified who have hung up when i answer the phone but i refuse to let myself believe that it was him. Its just the one's on my mobile phone that i get really curious about as not many people have my mobile no. Again there have not been many of them either. I would like to think that our friendship meant something to him that he would get in touch again one day. After all he did say 'friends forever' before he left, but then didn't even say goodbye. He even led me to believe that we'd stay in touch. I'd like to think that he thinks about me from time to time but i'm also at the point now where i don't think i care anymore. If he contacted me now i think i'd find it very easy to remind him how he couldn't even say goodbye or he'd changed his mind & friends just don't do that. We didn't know each other very long but i also felt like this was someone who'd be in my life for a long time, even just as friends. Because we didn't know each other long & because things didn't really progress to a full blown affair & because of the distance that was put between us with his move i believe it would have been very easy to stay friends in spite of our brief affair. But he decided otherwise for whatever reason but couldn't even say so. I probably would have fought for his friendship too except that without anyway of making contact that wasn't possible. But i think after 8 months even tho i still think of him daily i'm at the point where if he tried to make contact i feel sure i would have no problems saying 'sorry but i'm not interested'. It's a nice feeling to have. Someone mentioned in another post about indifference. I believe that's where i'm at.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 5:51am
Hi eveyone,

I cannot beleive what i am reading...you are no good to each other, you are weak ladies, sorry, and I mean when I say that, I don't mean to be harsh but I got no strong satisfaction from any of those messages. How do you want to move on if you keep cheering eachother and waiting for him to get in touch with you ladies. The fact and the truth is that those Men are in fact Married, so you knew what you were getting into when you got involved. Rejection is a bad, destroying feeling but you have to fight it and don't let it drag you down, you deserve better than that...we all do!! wake up. Telling your xMM that you still be there won't want him to contact you tomorrow or in a very near future and if he does...it only be for one thing...don't fool yourselves!! a man wants a strong woman, lively, fun, bubbly with ambition and who knows waht she wants in life. And Never ever show a man your weakness, it is the secret of life. Trust me I have been in your situation, was with a guy who had an ex-girlfriend, then while with me was cheating on me with her...but then convinced me he wanted to make his life with me then went back with her and cheating on her with me...Wow...does that make me feel good? Not at all. From being so special...I became the mistress and all against my rules and like ye, I felt awful, depressed etc...contact everyday with him just didn't do me any good, it made me feel worthless because I was second best...so I ended the contact and yes we all want them to remember us and love us etc...but the truth is that they made their choice..end of story. So please, move on and don't wait fro his call and hoping that one day he will contact and if he does...DO NOT REACT..this is what we call, being in control of your life and actions. "Feel the Fear and do it anyway" by Susan Jeffreys is a book I recommend you buy and read and you'll understand what I mean.

good luck and remember, you are your No1.

Shakira

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 6:20am
Shakiras-

Your words really hit home for me. I do miss the friendship with my x-MM, and sometimes I think it would be nice to hear from him, but then I realize that is just my bruised ego talking--confirmation that HE can get over ME.

I take full responsibilty for my own actions. I allowed myself to fall in love with the wrong person and he played me, it hurts A LOT, but hearing from him would probably only bring all that hurt back for me and since its so soon for me (NC 30 days), we would also run the risk of falling back into bad behavior-which I definitely don't want to do.

I come to this board daily to remind myself to keep up the NC and thankfully, each day is hurting les than the day before.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 7:32am
Hi Jessesmom! :)

As you know from my post, I am struggling with the idea of NC myself, so I can relate to a lot of what you said. I think that you are doing the right thing by keeping yourself busy. That seems to work for me whenever I am down.

I am sure that he *does* think about you each and every day. How could he not? If you think about it, even if for some reason you couldn't have contact with a close platonic friend suddently, you would still think about that person often and wonder how they are, what they are doing, etc.

I can also relate to what you said when you said not knowing him at all just wouldn't be "right", and that may very well be true. For now though, you have to respect his wishes and continue the NC until he decides that he is ready to resume contact. But...you also have to prepare yourself for the possibility that he may not be able to do this anytime soon. I suspect that eventually he will contact you, but that it may take a while. Just keep yourself busy, and try not to think of the "what if's". I guess it's best to prepare for the worst, and if things work out better than you expected, then you can be pleasantly surprised :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 9:43am
Kassie, wow that is terrible that he would do that to you! The least you deserved was a goodbye. But I'm glad you are at the point where you don't really care that much right now, even though you do think of him every day. I kind of fear the same thing from my xMM. He's leaving his job soon and moving and the only thing I will have left is an email address that I can contact him at. But he could delete it or choose not to read. In that case, I would probably consider him very cowardly. I do hope that if he contacts you again you have the strength to tell him how much his actions hurt you and are able to continue feeling good. I'm just wondering, have you dated since him? I would like to start dating again soon when I'm ready and wonder how 'easy' that's going to be when I'm still thinking about xMM so much. Thank you for sharing your story!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 9:51am
Hi Shakira,

Thank you for the reply and for the book recommendation! I'm going to look for it this weekend. Your advice is good, however, please remember that all of us are at different stages in our healing. I long for the day that I just don't care anymore whether or not I hear from my xMM and I feel like I'm worth more than he's able to give. But I'm not there yet. It's getting a tiny bit easier every day but I'm definitely not even close to getting to that point. It's going to take time. The ladies on the board "cheering us on" for wanting to stay in touch with our X's aren't hindering our healing. I mean it's nice to have someone in your corner, but in reality it doesn't matter if we have a cheering section or not. The healing comes from within, not from those that surroud you. Do you know what I mean? For me, these boards are just a way for me to express my feelings to people that know what I'm going through. Family and friends just aren't cutting it. Somedays, I just get too depressed and can't handle the boards so I don't come on those days. But I'm grateful and thankful that I have a group of people that can at least understand what I've been through and am going through now and most importantly, the reasons WHY I want the things I want.

Anyway thank you again for your input. By the way, didn't I see you on another Affair board?

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