Wondering out loud

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wondering out loud
15
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 5:10pm
I'm sitting here bored at work which naturally causes me to think about things, so I thought I would write my thoughts out.

A month or so ago I wrote on the boards about how my xMM decided we shouldn't have contact because his W found out we were still talking as friends and put the pressure on him to choose between the marriage and our friendship. After a couple of weeks of NC, I got back in touch with him and basically "fought" for our friendship which he decided then to stay in touch with me. Well last week he said that it was too soon and we just needed more time to heal. I had an emotional breakdown on the phone with him that day to the point that he was very concerned for me. Monday I wrote to him and told him this time I would stay away. I took full responsibility for forcing myself into his life before he was ready. But I did feel I had a right to know if I would ever hear from him again. He promised I would at some point. He promised he would never forget about me, it wasn't even a possibility. That did give me some comfort.

But now I'm wondering, do they really think about us for a long time afterwards? I think about him every day. We have been officially broken up for 7 months now, but remained friends up until a month ago. I'm actually over the fact that he decided to give his marriage another shot. It took a long time, but I really am. What I'm not over is the no contact and not having him in my life. My best friend - someone I took more pleasure in knowing than I have anyone else in my life. I've been trying to keep myself busy lately and it's worked, but the minute I get some down time, my thoughts stray to him. I wonder if it's the same for him?

Today I'm not even overwhelmingly sad (yet) like I have been lately. It's just a lot of wondering and hoping. Maybe this is a sign that I am moving

on. I would love nothing more than to have this not bother me, I'm just not sure that will ever happen. I feel like we were "meant" to know each other in some way. I've never felt that about anyone, not even in my long term relationships of 4 and 6 years. There's a strong feeling I have inside that never knowing him again just doesn't seem right. I can't really explain it.

This time though I am definitely keeping up the no contact. There's no point in writing to him before he's ready. It won't be that hard. I'm just envious of the people I read about who's X's come back after a period of time, wanting to be in touch again. I'm wondering out loud if that will happen for me. I know nobody but him can answer that, I was just hoping to read about some similar experiences for those that are back in touch with their X's after a break in contact. Thanks for reading and "listening".

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 9:57am
Yes I must respect his wishes and keep up the NC. I finally came to the conclusion that there was absolutely no point in writing to him if he didn't want to hear from me at this point. So that realization was a great help. You're right that it might take some time before he does contact me. He said he didn't know if it would be "a week, a month or a few months" so by him telling me that, I'm able to go through my days kind of expecting not to hear from him, and not getting my hopes up which has been another great help. I suspect that one day I will hear from him again, although a part of me really questions that. But I hope by the time that day arrives, I am completely over him. As much as I know I just want to be friends, I still love him deeply. So for me, maybe this NC is good too because it will give me time to try and get over him as much as I can.

That's all I can do is keep busy! Work is hard ... we are so quiet in the summer - that's why I'm on the boards so much! LOL!! But this summer marks one year ago when everything was amazing and wonderful with my xMM. So keeping busy is going to be a necessity and detrimental to my recovery. Ugh. I need to stop thinking about that now. :-) Thank you for your response and although you aren't quite at the NC stage, I hope things work out the way you want them to!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 10:01am
hello again.

I really didn't mean to hit you bad, I just want you to open your eyes a bit. What I want to say is that you cannot moan and groan all the time. I know it is hard M or NM. Those are feelings that we live with on a daily basis but if you want to come up the strongest one, you have to go from pain to power to improve your selfestime.

The thing is that your xMM is willing to work things out with his W and surely and I have no doubt that he is thinking of you and will never forget you. But see, I don't want you to get your hopes to high because by thinking that way you wear yourself down, the mind is going AWAL and you hurt too bad. Be positive about it. It was a lovely relationship you had with him, an experience, nice and lovingly and keep this in mind but don't neglect the rest(family).

Here is a story whcih I wrote to another member and this is a true story because it is my mother.:)

She fell in love with a younger man when she was 36, he was only 23 and i was 15. Would you beleive I fancied him not even knowing she was having an A with him.:) Anyway, she was willing to leave her H to make her life with this man. But things didn't go the way she planed it. He married someone else. Of course my mother was devastated and prob was like yourself and all of us. She tried to work on her mariage from that moment on.

14 years later she received a phone call at work...(he traced her from far because she had moved office and never knew her married name). She didn't know what to do, and I was afraid she'd get hurt again. I had never spoken about it to anyone and even with my mum we never did till then. All her feelings came back in just one second, that's all it takes, one second. He had left his wife that he also had loved very much during their marriage together but never once stopped thinking about my mother.

My mother filed for divorce and they are now married...

I just want to say that 17 years ago wasn't the right time for them. It is now and I am telling you, they are very much happy. but during those 14 years appart, they never made contact and it never meant that they didn't think of one another all that time.

Just be happy everyday as it come and I know it is hard and I understand you miss him but you know waht...you can handle it, handling situation will make you strong, it doesn't mean you have to forget but move on to greater experiences in life.

Have a lovely wkend and don't blame yourself, it is nobody's fault, as you say it...you didn't plan it...but the worst thing you can do is blame yourself. Don't do that because I know that you are a good genuine lady with a big heart.

Luv

Shakira

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 10:23am
hi jessemom,

And I totally agree with you. But what you want really is to come out of the pain or is it just easier to live with the pain rather than to move on. I am telling you that because I was like that for a long time, as long as i was in pain I still loved him etc...but once the pain fadded I started to feel bad because I was getting better so I had this little voice in my head who would wear me down and I would get back to the same depressed, feeling sorry for myself so I could still love him while he was moving on...Isn't sad thu really? and I see now how silly this was and you are right when you say taht those things take time...but how long? the longest you heal the hardest to become powerful within you and as I say I rreally didn't mean to be so harsh...because I understand. We all are in pain but for our own "sanity" we need to do something fast for ourselves because we become obsessive with our thought structures and we start maoning and groaning again...I still do it the odd time but when I do and visit the site it gives me more power for myself that I can see more clearly...and this is what it is all about, You and I, No1. Ending a relationship doesn't mean you have to stop loving and caring but it is to recognise that the time wasn't right or you just wasn't meant to be. I know it hurts, it's like a needle pierced in teh heart but men do think about exes more than women and it is a fact...

I am doing no work today:) only visiting the site which I find really good by the way and enjoy conversing and sharing opinions on situation, it is a learning and I thank you for your message.

I am a French native who lives in Ireland, Europe..:)

have good wkend

Shakira

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 11:07am
Just my two cents. Yes, we are all at different stages in our healing, some days I wonder if I will ever heal 100%. It's been almost 7 months since we officially ended everything... about 9 months since we ended the physical part of the A. We have only talked twice in that time via the phone. In January the first time we had to speak briefly, he told me he was moving out of town that weekend. Only to find out he wasn't moving at all, only to another house. I thought, why would he lie to me about that??? Yes, I have also received numerous hang-ups too, and at first I was hoping that it was him just so that could give me some relief that he was at least thinking about me... but after getting *69, it was the stupid phone company!!! I was actually upset it wasn't him. My point being that men also handle this differently. A man once told me that when a couple breaks up that the men can just make up their minds and have it be over, where us women constantly wonder "why" "what if" "ever again?" and numerous other things. We are much more emotional then men. My xMM was just as emotional as I was, literally crying on my shoulder, wanted to leave his family for me but I said no, he even drew up house plans for us for our "future" home together (for one day when all the kids were out of the house and we were finally together). We went from that to me having no way AT ALL to contact him. He knows in October I am moving cross country and then after that he will have no way of contacting me (I had also changed my personal e-mail acct. and he doesn't know my new one). I guess once I move I will have to once and for all grieve over the dreams that will never be. The hope is that, it is healthy to do that. If we don't we will never TRULY be happy in life with the ones we currently are with. Maybe this is his way of dealing with it, not really dealing with it at all. Everyone is different.

I have tried to think of awful things of xMM to help me move along, but I just can't, they would be lies.

We always told each other that if there came a day that we were never together for us to live our lives as if the other was right there watching. That has helped me a little, because I know that he wouldn't want to be around me always depressed and moping around, we always were so full of life when we were together. He's in my heart and that closeness helps sometimes.

Maybe you need to look at this as a death, when in reality it really is. A relationship has died. You need to grieve and go through all the phases, you need that... but then you have to move on and live your life like that person would have wanted you to live it. Time truly heals... thank God tomorrow is a new day... a fresh day... with new hope.

I hope this helps even a little bit!

Serenity

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 5:45pm
hope you're feeling a little better today...i haven't received any messages from ya so i guess this email with ivillage is all screwy...so i sent ya an email thru ivillage with a email addy where i know i will get my emails for sure....lol. hope to hear from ya soon and stay strong :).

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