Wondering what i should make of this???

Avatar for kassieree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Wondering what i should make of this???
12
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 9:05am
Just a quick recap for those not familiar with my story. MM moved away 4 mths ago without even saying goodbye. I saw him 4 days before he left when we had brief IC for the first time. I was also supposed to see him the day he left but plans changed last minute. I got a message that morning saying he wasn't alone but only after i sent him one to find out what was happening, as he hadn't been in touch like he said he would be. I've sent many messages to his mobile phone & tried to send email but his email sddress is no longer valid. I haven't heard from him at all since he left despite all those attempts by me with the messages.

Until today. The 23rd October he left. So today i received a message saying 'i miss you but can't go back to where i was. it hurts too much. xxx'

My problem is this. He sent the message to an old pre-pay account i used to have for my son. I sent a message to him from this account around xmas as i was curious if he was ever getting my messages & this particular account gives you notification when messages are received by the other party. The message i sent back then wasn't about anything to do with us & i figured he would just think it was accidently sent to the wrong number when he didn't recognise who it was coming from. I sent another message from the same phone the other day as I was curious if his phone was still connected. Again it wasn't a message about us, in fact it waz just a cute picture type message i had received from someone else. On both occasions it took 2 days for the messages to go through but it confirmed that he would've almost definately got all the messages i'd previously sent from my own phone & yet he chose to ignore them. So today when i finally received that message from him I was totally shocked after hearing nothing for 4 months & then when i did it was on that phone. He had no reason to connect me to that number & also shouldn't have been able to find out from the phone company who owned the number due to privacy laws.

So now i am wondering. Could he be fishing to see who it belongs to? To see if i would reply with something that would confirm its me? Or if he has managed somehow to find out that it is me, why not just ignore it like all my other messages? The one's he knows for sure are from me. And of course i also wonder is he testing the waters to see what sort of response he would get if he asked to call me again or even see me again after so long without any word at all from him? All i ever wanted was something to indicate what he's been thinking. The last time i saw him he made me promise that if i had any problems with guilt over crossing the line that i would talk to him & yet if his reason for leaving without even saying goodbye was because it hurts then he should've talked to me. We even talked about seeing each other between him leaving & xmas as he was relocating temporarily only 2.5 hrs away & we arranged a meeting point half way. He was to eventually relocate 5 hrs away which would make it much more difficult to meet. I feel like maybe he hasn't made that final move yet as his phone still doesn't work when i try to call & when he makes the final move it should.

Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.

P.S. I've sent a couple of messages since his came through but they haven't been received by his phone yet. I know i probably should have just ignored the message but if he is fishing he would think i was just ignoring him cause he ignored me & my intention all along was to let him think that he'd received those messages by mistake at the same time as finding out if he was receiving messages. I feel totally stupid now cause i thought if he did say something back it would just be something like 'do i know you?' which is one of the replies i sent back today. The other one said 'if i knew who you were maybe i would miss you too :-)'

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 9:15am
Wow Kass, this is a strange one to figure out. BUT, I do love the responses you sent back to his phone. It should make you feel good that he said he misses you, but the issue of how did he know it is you is sure confusing things isn't it? I'm curious to see what ideas other posters have. Definately keep us informed if you hear back from him. But, Kass, you know what, since my OM did somewhat the same thing, please don't forget that it was so rude of him to have brief ic with you and then just leave. I keep hearing what my OM said to me when I asked why now..."because I don't see you anymore". Could it be the same way with you OM? Just an idea. You know that we do not deserve to be treated the way we were. Hugs, C
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 12:28pm
OF COURSE HE KNOWS IT WAS YOU AND HE KNOWS WHO HE WAS WRITING TO!!!!

How many affairs do you think the guy was HAVING????

It is obvious that he was ambivalent about the affair to begin with, he let it move to intimate contact at the last minute before he left, and then he left and believed he had escaped the guilt and consequences. You wrote to him, and he thought that perhaps he could just keep ignoring it and it would go away. Then you wrote again. Finally, he realized that he had to give you a response, so he did. I assume what he is saying is absolutely true, that he misses you but CAN'T be in an affair.

...it is time to move on....

Avatar for kassieree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 8:55am
How many affairs do i think he was having????

I guess that's something i'll never know. I honestly believe i was the only one & i also believe there have been none before me. But maybe i'm naive to believe that. You see i believed him when he said that he wanted to still be in contact when he left & that he still wanted to us to see each other from time to time when it could be arranged. I believed him when he said he would be in contact before he left. I also believed him when he said we'd be friends forever no matter what.

I don't believe he was ambivalent about the affair. And as far as letting it go to intimate contact at the last minute we'd always been intimate but never totally crossed the line to IC. And for the record that was because i wasn't ready for that step. Not the other way around. He made it quite clear from the beginning that that was what he wanted but that he was happy to wait until i was sure. He could've kept ignoring me. Keep in mind that he has never responded to any of my msgs sent from my own phone but only chose to reply to this one that he has no proof belongs to me. So if he really means that he misses me but can't be in an affair then why not send it to me instead of this number he wouldn't recognise. As i said the msgs sent mentioned nothing about the 2 of us or anything to suggest it was me.

As for moving on... that's exactly what i'm doing. I just needed confirmation that he chose to ignore me & not that he simply wasn't receving my msgs or that something else had happened to him.

And CowboyGuarantee... i haven't heard back again but i did get confirmation this morning from my phone provider that he has received those 2 msgs i sent yesterday. It was nearly a week from the last one i sent him until he replied yesterday so i guess we'll see what happens.

Kass

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 10:24am
sounds to me like you are the one fishing. If it is over then you should not be doing these things. I know it makes you feel good to know that he misses you, but now what? Are you going to start talking to him? Seeing him again if he's in town? It just opens up a can of worms. NC means just that.

You are using precious energy worrying about if he thinks it was you, does he know who he is sending the message to, etc. etc. It sounds so high school. I am sorry to sound so caustic, but I am giving you my honest opinion. I am so far removed from all this kind of stuff now that I look at it differently.

good luck no matter how you decide to react to this.

Jazzdiva

Avatar for kassieree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 10:22pm
Yes i guess to start with i was the one fishing. Cause i needed to know if he was choosing to ignore me or if he just wasn't getting my msgs. But now i can see that it backfired on me because he chose to ignore all my msgs that straight out asked where we stood & yet replied to one that he didn't know for sure was me. So he only went to the trouble of replying when his curiosity was peaked. You say that if its over i shouldn't be doing these things but i never wanted it to be over & if he did then all he had to do was say so. Instead of just up & leaving without goodbye. I'm just doing what i need to do to get as much closure as i can for ME. And yes i would like the opportunity to at least talk to him again so i can understand a few things but no i'm not going to see him again if he's in town. I made that mistake once before when we didn't speak for 4 months then started seeing each other again for 3 months before he moved. When we spoke again after those 4 months & he told me he would be moving away i asked him what about when that happened & he said that it wouldn't make any difference & that whilst we wouldn't be able to see each other as often that he'd like to still keep in touch & see each other from time to time. I made the mistake of wanting to enjoy as much time as we had together before he left & didn't take the time to talk to him so things we clear as to what would happen once he left. Also he ended up moving much quicker than he expected to. I was always worried that he wouldn't be in touch very often once he left but i never expected him to just go without goodbye. So please understand that's the part that makes this whole thing hard for me.

Avatar for kassieree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 11:18pm
And just one other thing....

It doesn't make me feel good to know that he misses me because in all honesty those are just hollow words. If he really felt that way he would never have just left without goodbye. If he really had any kind of feelings for me he would have at least said before he left that he couldn't do this anymore. Instead of saying 'i'll call you about thursday'. Which was when i was supposed to see him again. And he would've let me know before i had to ask him what was happening, that things had changed. And he wouldn't have let me go on thinking that we'd still be in contact once he left. If he wanted it to be over all he had to do was say so. I fell for this guy but i never fell in love with him. I'm angry at myself & that's the hardest part. I sent those msgs because i just needed confirmation that he was ignoring me & not just not receiving my msgs. This whole situation goes totally against everything i believe in. Everything about it is so not the person i am. And i hate the person it has made me. As i said i am doing what i have to for ME to get closure.

So no.. it doesn't make me feel good to know he misses me.

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 12:52am
I'm sorry if i have upset you or I do not seem empathetic. I was in your shoes, and even worse because if you heard what XOM did to me you would be appalled. I wanted to know why, it was so important to me to know why and it burned me up inside to have so many unanswered questions. but then as time went on I realized it didn't matter...For someone to be hurtful I am sure there are reasons but there are no excuses to inflict pain on another person. Then XOM sent me a letter snail mail....it was an apology. Not responding to it was the best thing I could have done. It was like I was sending him more of a message by not responding. I know it is hard to understand that, but even my therapist agreed that ignoring it was best.

You want closure and you seem to think that you can get it from OM, but believe me closure comes from deep inside of you. It is not something that he can give you. If you still need contact with him then that is a decision you are making for yourself and I respect that. Just know that contact may mean hurt, not healing. You are not where you need to be to be free of this man, and I pray that you get there soon. Until then please be cautious with your heart.

Jazzdiva

Avatar for kassieree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 1:26am
Its ok. You didn't upset me. Well maybe a little. But sometimes its the tough answers that we need to make us wake up to ourselves. I know closure comes from within me & i am so much closer to getting there than i have been at all in the last 4 months. And probably more so in the last 2 days since he replied to that msg that he wouldn't have known for sure was me. You see it confirmed for me that he has chosen to ignore me rather than just be honest enough to say 'i don't want to go where we were going'. Probably because he knows how much i questioned it before we did eventually go there. And even though he sent that msg the other day its not quite the same, as he couldn't know for sure it was me he was sending it to. You see for me if he'd just taken the time to say that then my memories of the whole experience could've been so much nicer than what they ended up becoming. And if it really hurts the way he says then he could've been feeling better about the whole thing himself. Don't you think?

So while you ignoring that letter from your XOM was probably the best thing you could've done given the way he treated you, all my XMM had to say was that he'd changed his mind instead of choosing to ignore me. It's not as if he was the love of my life & he knew that me leaving my H was never an option just as he had said that leaving his W was never an option. So in reality he could've been a 'cakeater' as long as it suited him. It just didn't need to end the way it did and i'd like the chance to make him realise that. But i guess i'll never get that chance.

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 9:18am
No, it didn't have to end that way. Is making him realize that going to make things better? Is it going to change the way things ended? Are you looking for some kind of apology, is that it? Because I got plenty of that, and in the end it does't make things better. That is like putting a band aid on a punctured artery.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Even though I may sound unsympathetic, I have been where you are...and sometimes I still am. You are hurting and there are so many unanswered questions...and you feel that the only person you can get that validation from, the answers from, are XMM. Calling someone a cake eater makes it sound like they are malicious and calculating, that they planned the whole thing. I became a cake eater quite my accident. I hate to put a label on people, so please accept my apology. My point is that the whole situation between you and XMM is very unfortunate and you are paying the price now. The stuff that happens during NC...the wondering, the anger, the bait and hook things like anonymous emails and in my case one ringer phone calls are all part of the process. We do things like that when we are hurting and when we need some kind of validation for our pain. Taking some kind of action empowers us a little bit so we don't feel so helpless.

Hey, we can analyze this thing until we get our honorary PhD's....the point is you are hurting and this latest thing with your XOM has gotten your wheels turning. Just do what you have to do to get better, okay? Nobody can help us but ourselves. I had some great friends, a very understanding priest and an expensive therapist that helped to put me together again....in the end the only person who could really help me get through this was me. I depend on XOM for no answers, for no apologies and telling him off eventually didn't help either..it doesn't change what happened. This is my point, and I know it sucks. The world can be a really unfair and crappy place, and we don't always get the closure, or the nice ending like in the movies.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 9:55am
Hi Kass and Shescomeundone,

I have been reading your posts over and over because I am in the same place right now. My OM has left me hanging with so many unanswered questions, ignoring me knowing that I wanted to talk to him. Even ignoring a very light friendly e-mail after he asked for me to send it. The anger is just boiling up inside of me. Kass, even though my OM did not move away, he could have, for I haven't seen him since our brief ic or even talked much for that matter. You are not alone, don't feel like you are. Don't feel like this only happened to you and there is something wrong with you, because none of that is true. Shes, I remember some of your story from a while back when I was here and I know you have been through alot. I only hope I am where you are now someday. You seem so much better. I called OM cell yesterday, but it was turned off, so maybe that was good. Then I saw him later (he didn't see me) but I didn't talk to him because he was with a guy friend. So maybe that was good too. My H is gone all day today and I am so tempted to call OM, just say, "hey if we ever were friends would you do me a favor and help me through some things". I know it could make me feel better and perhaps give me some closure, get rid of some of the pain, and I know it could also make me feel worse, then there would be no going back and definately no talking again, so I may be in a worse position. He could also say to me, just leave me alone, it's all on you, figure it out yourself and hang up. Because you know I have played that scenario over and over in my head and it's definately something he would do, especially if he is in one of his weird moods. Each day I seem a little better, then maybe for a day I will feel bad again, but it usually only lasts about a day. This board has been my saving grace. I spend alot of time here reading everything. It's helping. Also, Kass, I know what you are saying about the memories changing. Instead of thinking back on the fun, sexy times I've had with OM, I think of how bad I feel now and how he has hurt me. After all of this, I wish I could just think of the good, but maybe that will prevent me from ever getting over him. I think what we need to accept the most is THINGS CHANGE, and we have to bend when the wind blows or we will break in half. Both of you guys have a broken heart icon. It's sad because I know we were all only trying to find something to make us happier and it seems to have backfired on all of us. It's gorgeous where I live today, I'm going to get outside and enjoy the sun and try not to call OM. I hope you all have a good day enjoying what you like most, C

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