A Word of Caution

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
A Word of Caution
7
Fri, 04-30-2010 - 8:58am

Good morning! Happy beautiful Friday everyone. I hope it's as sunny and gorgeous where you are as it is here.


I wanted to post something this morning about the ups and downs I've been experiencing, because a good friend (Thank you New Season) pointed something out to me that should have been obvious, but it wasn't. And I think it may be useful for others in their journey.


As I approached 90 days NC, I was having more downs than ups. Xap was renting a lot of space in my head and I just couldn't seem to shake it. It didn't make sense. I had started a new job. Things with the H were going well. I had stuck to NC and could feel myself healing, but then I seemingly hit a wall. The empowerment and resolve I felt in early NC had faded. Thoughts of xap were more frequent, almost obsessive. I couldn't help but wonder what he was doing, if he was thinking of me, what he'd do if I contacted him, why he hadn't contacted me... blah blah blah. I started listening to songs that reminded me of him. I gleaned information from a mutual friend that sent me into a downward spiral. I was mopey and pathetic and sad.


Tuesday, my H confronted me about my behavior because it mimicked that of when I was in the A. He asked me a lot of hard questions and made a few accusations... and how could I deny them? My actions were speaking louder than my words. I had let xap back in, even if only in my mind. And the ramifications with my M were huge. It seemed as if I had lost all of the ground I had gained in convincing my H that I was "back." It was certainly

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Fri, 04-30-2010 - 9:53am

Jane and NS,
This is a great insight to share. I believe it's spot on that we begin to let our guard down once the trauma of the beginning of the end subsides. It happened to me and it was a huge set back, personally and in my M. I started having that dangerous Magical Thinking that got me into the A in the first place - whoa, and boy was I scared. Luckily, I was focused also on my tweener wings and had that goal to motivate me.

Anywoo, all should keep their guards up - without needing to nurse the drama/trauma, which can become a crutch that forces us to stay in the process.

Thank you for sharing this with us.
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Fri, 04-30-2010 - 11:22am

Good Morning to you too Jane!

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Fri, 04-30-2010 - 11:39am

Great posts ladies.

It serves to show us the struggles we all face on the road to healing. The affair addiction is mighty strong. It takes time and a lot of soul searching to get out of the darkness.

This board is an incredible place of support. Sharing your feelings and being so openly honest will help so many realize they are just like us! I think posting about how we still feel months out of the ending is so helpful to those just starting their journey. Kudos ladies!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Fri, 04-30-2010 - 7:06pm

Jane,


<

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Sat, 05-01-2010 - 8:58am

Iddy-


Thank you for taking the time to respond. You have such a way of putting into words exactly what I know in my heart and mind to be true. For awhile, I resisted what you and other vets said here, but as I put more space between myself and the A and the fog began to lift a little, I learned that what you say is true and it is wisdom garnered from experience. When I let all of you in, when I took what you said to heart, I started to feel myself transforming. It is hard to be open to hear things you don't want to believe, but letting down that wall and digging in, really was the first step towards recovery. Thank you again. I know this road is a long one, but I am so glad to have all of you here to walk beside me.


Hugs,


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2007
Sat, 05-01-2010 - 9:52am

Hi,


I still read these once in awhile. I am 3 years out of my A. It was a long long road. My H knew some of it not all. So like you said 92 days...wow that is very hard, and your just beginning. You will have many thoughts. I did and still do. I wonder why I still do after all these years. Everyone is different and I don't know if it ever goes away. I think of it different now, I get mad at myself, the quilt, the shame. Who was I back than? How the heck did I find the time to waste.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2008
Sat, 05-01-2010 - 2:41pm

Hi,


Hope its ok to add my two cents too!!:)