A word of caution

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
A word of caution
6
Mon, 04-19-2010 - 3:13pm
I often hear posters talking about the xmm's wife as if she is some horrible, unbearable human being. Here's the deal. She probably isn't. I say this because the only way for me to sleep at night while I was having my A was to bash my H to my xap. The things I said were all lies. I didn't want to look like some tramp stepping out on my sweet H, so I told lies about him. It makes me sick now. Somehow it helped to remove the guilt. Eventually I actually started to believe these things I would say about H. That is the thing I feel the worst about. How could I? What kind of person does that? I'll tell you who...xmm, that's who! They will tell their mistress's just about anything to keep the sex coming. I doubt that what most the guys are saying about their wives is true. So be careful ladies about being so surprised that they chose their wives over you. They ALWAYS will!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 04-19-2010 - 3:33pm

Thanks for posting this. I always cringe now when I read derogatory remarks made toward the BS because what is usually said are just repeats of what XAP said. Not very many of us ever knew the BS, and buying into the crap that spews from XAP's mouth is a big mistake. Now, not all Xmm's do this. Many never talk about their wives at all and although this is just another avoidance tactic, at least they are showing a little respect , while they continue to drop trow for the OW. ;-)

Yep, the "We live like brother and sister," or "We Don't share a bed," or "Our M has been over for years, blah, blah, blah," are just words they pull out of the MM Cheater's manual. I mean, come on....what OW is going to worship their MM if he's talking about how wonderful his W is? Hmmm...thinking back, my Xmm used all of the above and I fell for them just as quickly as they came out of his lying mouth.

I can also see it from your angle too. The more we says these negative things, the easier it is to start believing them. I also think this plays heavily into how WS's actually start believing that they are falling out of love with their H's, when in fact, they are the ones widening the gap through such lies and manipulations. You are also right in that this is a way to deflect the guilt so the A can be continued.

Good thread, AAI.

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
Mon, 04-19-2010 - 4:17pm

I agree with both Iddy and AAI.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Mon, 04-19-2010 - 7:47pm
Have to agree with all the points made. My xAP complained about his wife, but not to the extent that I complained about my husband. I always said my marriage was more troubled than his. In a strange way, I think he enjoyed that fact. But good grief he was cheating too so it wasn't like one of us was better than the other. He complained he didn't have any sexual desire for his wife, that he obligated her once a week! He complained about her cooking, her germ phobias and her stubborn personality. But he often went on and on about how beautiful she was (she's not) and what a good mother she was (she is) how smart she is. Many times during the affair, I asked him why he was with me - what did I offer him that he wasn't getting at home. (I was still very fogged in!!) In the beginning of the affair, I thought she was some awful person because he complained but in time I began to see, it was him. He just wanted his cake and eat it too. And me, I thought I deserved the A. I made my husband out to be a monster, an ogre. Sure he wasn't perfect, but neither was I. As the affair wore on, his wife became prettier, smarter and the mother of his children. Sound familiar?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2009
Mon, 04-19-2010 - 10:19pm

i feel very humbled when i think of xap's wife---or any betrayed spouse, for that matter. when i sought out my affair, it was in large part because my husband paid very little attention to me, had no time to spend with me and had lost interest in me sexually. i know now about all the lies, the "married man handbook blah-blah-blah", but i really WAS in a sexless marriage, and we really WERE more like room-mates than marriage partners. my thought was that if i could find someone just like me, someone who was being neglected in his marriage, whose wife "didn't want him anymore", well, we could be two kindred spirits.
for a time, i thought that was what we had. turns out i thought wrong.
after the ending, i got to know xap's wife a little. not in person, but through her letters and pictures. she is a generous and gracious lady, creative and vivacious, and actually quite lovely too. that she loves her husband is greatly in evidence in her words. what occurred to me upon "meeting" her this way was that not only was i not better than she in any way, but that she herself is deserving of so much more than he seems capable of offering her.
she haunted one of my dreams not too long ago---it was the first time i'd ever dreamt of her, and it consumed me with sorrow for days. she now comes to me in my dreams from time to time, and it is considerably less upsetting to me than it was the first time. i hope it is because i am honoring her by removing myself from her life and am no longer coveting the things that belong rightfully to her. my feelings are still rocky from time to time, but i have respect for her and i do not wish her any ill will.

lillie

silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2010
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 12:43am
AAI,
Wow! I did the exact same thing. I let my xAP think my H was horrible. And like you after a while I started to believe it myself. Funny the things we do to make ourselves feel better, eh? I don't know his wife at all, but my husband makes it a point to tell me what a nice, sweet lady she is. To me she didn't exist. I never thought about her (pathetic, yes) and he rarely talked about her. I have actually thought about apologizing to her, but I try to put myself in her shoes. She doesn't want to hear from me...unless it is the sound of my head being slammed into pavement.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 9:18am

AAI-


I did the exact same thing... and worse yet,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/