Word to the wise - stick around
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| Tue, 08-17-2010 - 11:10am |
Good morning ladies (and a few gents, I see!)
Some of you may remember me, I was fairly active here back in Feb/March. But it's been awhile since I've been around these parts. Like many before me (unfortunately) it took a few tries to finally kick xAP (and myself!) in the ass.
A bit of back story: I'm S, never married, xAP is a MM. Met just about a year ago, started off as friends though an EA developed fairly quickly. Both of us saw it, but didn't step away. He justified it by saying how 'alone' he's felt in his M for a long time, that his M is/was emotionally abusive, that he wanted out. That he had a 'connection' with me (sound familiar?). I justified it by also agreeing to that same connection (ugh, here we go!) and if I cared about him, I asked myself how I could leave him 'high and dry' in an abusive M? On a deeper level, as I'm seeing it now, he was an escape from other things (again, must sound familiar!), I was feeling alone (more on 'why' in a bit). Like many of us do, I fell deeper, became too emotionally involved and there was no way I could help him 'get out' as just a friend, I was an interested party by this point. I became his confidant and got very little support in return, I can look back on the Holidays and I cringe just how low I had gotten...and just how little I got back. And I took it, both the treatment and the crumbs. Obviously the whole situation was very draining and toxic. I'm a PhD student, my studies had started to slip as all my energy went to him/his problems. Anyway, back at the end of January things got a little too close to home for him and I was thrown under the bus. Surprise! Well, at the time I *was* surprised (I know, foolishly enough). He wanted to 'talk' after he ended it, but I went straight to NC for 4 days - texts, emails, pics, gone that night. I even torched the only thing he'd ever given me (a bday card). End of day 4 he initiates contact, the 'I don't want to/what else can I do?'. I respond. This spotty contact (and I call it as such, since during the height of the A we wouldn't go an hr w/o some form of contact. So, spotty means once a day/once every few days) goes on for another week and a bit. I'm losing it and decide to erase the email account that I had set up only for him, and then to take him off Facebook. Email is permanent, but the FB 'unfriend' only lasts about 2 days as it dissolves into a mutual 'but I want to know you're okay/that you're alive' (I'm sure many others have heard/felt that one before! Bad, bad idea). But what I really get is passive communication - posting songs he knows will 'get to me', 'xAP likes your pic', etc. It's probably March by this point, and I don't know 'where' I am. I've fallen off the board for a mix of reasons - I felt 'left out' as a SOW. It hurt to read all the posts about 'wonderful H's'...I already felt bad about myself and didn't need help in the department with thinking 'xAP must figure the same, he's W is wonderful, etc'. I know now though - it's what I should have stuck around to read more of. Wonderful or not, she probably isn't the horror story that he made her out to be. My problem is/was that I made that (what she is/isn't) and how he treated me a direct reflection of myself. I tied so strongly the two together that 'seeing it' and untangling it took a long time, too long. We're in minimal contact, not in the A as it was before (lots of contact, phonecalls every day, visits, etc). But, it's still an A, just different than what I was used to before. He was never the type to leave me hanging, etc - but now he was. In a personal email TranscendingUs likened it to a slow drip of morphine. And, it's true. It wasn't enough to get me 'high', but enough to keep me hooked and 'there'. Shame on him for keeping me along after it all/after his so-called 'choice', and shame on me for letting myself be 'kept'.
This pace, unsurprisingly, is disastrous - I'm sure many of you know the feeling - wanting more, but also wanting/needing out. This continues on a bit longer, but by the end of May/beginning of June I'm tired and I end it. NC for about a week, he initiates contact and I reply. Back to day one, another week and a bit goes by. But it wasn't really NC, was it? FB was still 'on' and we were both still members and 'friends' on a common interest forum (where we met, actually). We're talking (and I use the term loosely) again by the end of June. Again, what could have I expected? Again with the 'sorry I've been busy', with the crumbs. With the me wanting him to treat me differently. And that, for me, is/was the crux of all of this, what got me so hung up. I figured that because of 'x' feelings, because of whatever had been said/done, that this person should treat me differently. I had bound my worth up in how he did/did not treat me and I kept 'waiting' for him to treat me differently so I could see myself differently. I eventually realized that he'll never treat me differently - why should he? He had a pretty sweet deal. *I* need(ed) to treat me differently and 'get' that how he does/does not treat me is only a reflection of two things - one, how he is choosing to treat me and others, and two, how I'm allowing him to treat me. The only one of those two I can change is how I let him treat me, and I can only change that by getting the hell outta Doge. Forever and completely. In the past we both left it hanging with 'see you later', or 'I just need some time to clear my head'. No, not enough. Leaving things on the 'I will always love/pine for you', is not helpful. Him leaving it with what amounts to 'I've chosen the W 'for now', but it might not work, so...if you could just hang on until I *really* decide, that would be great'...total BS, not helpful.
Just recently I've moved in with a friend/roomie, I've got a fresh start that I can grab a hold of. New surroundings. He heard of the move and emailed saying 'he had hoped to see my new place soon'. I admit, part of me wanted to see him/him to see the new place. But the more I thought about it...well, I hadn't seen him in 7mo, haven't spoken in 3. I was struck with the question: why would I give myself to you anymore? At all, ever/in the first place? WHy would you even *ask*? He asked, because in the past I would have. So, 4 days ago, that was it. Total NC. A quick goodbye/can't do this anymore/please don't respond. I didn't tell him I was taking him off FB, I just did it. Off the forum too...and that was big because that's where we'd met. It was the one place we were always connected. Not anymore. I can block texts from his # (though not calls. But, I know he'll never call because W controls the phone accounts). Gmail can't block, but a filter can be created to send emails right to 'delete'. Done. Yes, I'm still reeling in part because of the finality of it all, but I refuse to crawl back and 'request' his friendship again. There is nothing to go back to, and really there was nothing ever 'there'. As I hear so often, and I agree, the feelings were real but built upon unreality. That really does a number on you. I'm worth more than this, I'm tired of being degraded/degrading myself, I'm tired of stealing (and settling for) crumbs. Yes, I wish I could say that I was 7mo NC when he first ended things. But, I'm not. However, I'm also not where I was back then either. Why do I think it will 'stick' this time? Well, because it has to. Okay, deeper than that I 'get' (in part, or I'm starting to) why I did what I did, my own insecurities and that I couldn't make it stick the last time, because I was waiting around for him to treat me differently so I could feel as though I was 'worth' being treated well. I finally 'get' that he'll never treat me different, only I can. Yes, it's sad that it took a thinly-disguised request for random s*x for me to finally see/say to myself 'you said you've chosen your W ('for now' *barf*), but you want/ask of me this?...does not compute'. But there it is all the same. I finally 'got it'. I can't change him/what he does, but I can GTFO.
I titled this 'word to the wise - stick around', because I mean just that. Newbies, stick around. If you don't, you may run the risk of falling back in like I did. It's true, there is something to be said about experience...but it's a very painful one. Also, if something makes you uncomfortable - ask why. Yes, when one feels alone/lonely, amongst other things, it is hard to read about others M/R's. But as is usually the case, there is something much deeper. Something to learn from. In my case, I learned that I was lonely in this city. I don't like living here (even though I have lovely friends). I'd gone through a bit of a 'personal change' that left me feeling disconnected. The big one is/was school, the pressure was increasing and so was the fear. Fear of failure. I'm in a bit of an odd place with this PhD stuff, I've chosen to make my life/career about the one thing I'm least confidant about. What I mean by this is, I was a special Ed student as a child. No one thought I'd ever get 'here' and while I obviously have, there is still a part of me that is afraid that 'they were right'. So, instead of addressing that and working on it, I found an escape in xAP. He was attracted to my intelligence, interested in my subject and that in turn helped me re-engage in my work. However, as A's often do, it sucked the life out of me and I could no longer concentrate, I only had energy (and very little of it!) for the A. School started to slip, the fear of failing became much more real (or, so I thought) so I latched on harder to xAP. This helped cement the idea that what he thought of me/how he treated me truly reflected who I was, what I was worth. A total mess. But I'm on my way out of it. There is still a lot for me to clean up, school will be tougher to get back on track. But I will get there and all is not lost, I'm actually going to present at a conference in Oxford this fall. I'm smart, but I don't always see it. I've also realized that I missed out on a potential R with a really good (and single!) guy. A colleague of mine. I'm sure that ship has sailed by this point though, and that's okay because I still need time. I know in time I'll meet someone else, if I chose to. I've still got a lot of 'me' to work on, to do, getting back on track and doing things I can be proud of - and (re)learning how to be proud of myself.
My apologies for how long-winded this ended up being, but as I said - stick around...*especially* if it makes you uncomfortable, that's where the learning is done. Or, so the case has been for me. With a better understanding of myself and why I did what I did, how and why things make me uncomfortable, I'll be sticking around this time.
Walk n' Block. Total NC 09-13-10

Walk n' Block. Total NC 08-13-10
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
((hugs))
you're an incredible woman wcf.
welcome back (-:
Your post was amazing - your accountability re-freshing.
The words to the wise - timely.
Embracing that which is most jarring & uncomfortable creates the possibility for change.
You will be such an asset to this board.
Love TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Welcome back, wcfem.
<<>> Typo or Freudian slip? ;-)
I wondered where you had gone, but usually when someone suddenly disappears from here it's because they've fallen off the turnip truck and let it roll over them. It takes quite a while for those injuries to heal, KWIM?
It looks like you have delved into much deeper waters this time, bringing to surface
~Iddy~
Haha, typo. Or I'm from the future where Sept 13 is in the past? Or...I'm terrible at counting. Alright, we'll go with typo.
You're right, did take awhile for those injuries to heal. I also didn't want to derail the board/come back until I knew I was 'out, out'. And now, here I be and I do plan to stick around. While I'm feeling more confidant and 'this is it' than I did the last time around, I have enough sense to know that it won't be easy and I'll need help/different perspectives now and again.
And, of course, to pay it forward and pass along what I've learned along the way.
No worries, I won't dirty up this place (or myself!) by having xMM over. The only funky odors allowed here are from my dog, smelly (but lovable) creature that he is ;)
Walk n' Block. Total NC 08-13-10
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
Wcfem,
What an amazingly insightful post.
CSN,
Thank you for your reply, knowing that my words and feelings resonate and 'make sense' to others really helps me out as well.
I'm glad that my own experience helped you think about your own, because that sense of how I felt about myself being so tied up in how xAP treated me was *huge*. I don't know when it dawned on me, or if there was a specific moment...but it was a mix of feelings. Sadness because I realized that despite any love I'd given this person (again, real feelings based on an un-real situation) it didn't matter and he'd never treat me different. Really sucks when we figure that out. But empowering because the way to change it is in my hands and I don't need to wait around on anyone. However our xAP's did or did not treat us - it doesn't mean that I (or you, or anyone) is *worth* that treatment, we're worth better...just takes a bit to figure it out. The logical extension of 'I'm not reduced to how xAP treats me/they'll never treat me different' is taking accountability and responsibility for getting ourselves out and treating ourselves differently (since I'm sure how we treat/view ourselves is part of why we let xAP treat us the way they did).
I've probably rambled a bit, but I did want to say thank you and 'you're welcome'. I hope that you do get out of your funk (okay, I know you will!). Thank you for the well-wishes too, I'm looking forward to the conference...it will be my first solo presentation and my first trip overseas!
Walk n' Block. Total NC 08-13-10
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry