Words of Encouragement
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|Sat, 06-09-2012 - 2:31pm|
I haven't started my own post in awhile, but I am here everyday and I know there are quite a few new enders and I see their struggles and know their pain. I had tried to end my A many times and slipped back in many times only to get less and feel worse. I have been known to curl up on the bathroom floor and cry at the initial pain of ending, I have spent hours obsessing and ruminating. Hours getting angry and frustrated. I havebeen riddled with anxiety more than I care to mention. I have wasted an awful lot of time over two years. I have also spent hours reading eas and baggage reclaim and PMing some dear friends here....that time is not wasted and I will be eternally grateful to this board.
18 months ago my H and I were doing a complete remodel of our home. This was a project ten years in the making. Ten years of saving, ten years of planning. I was in the throes of my A when the project finally began. I did not enjoy one moment of my ten year dream coming to fruition. I saw all my Hs short comings. I was focused on x. I kept wondering if I would be getting a divorce and never living in this house that was finally coming together. I couldn't enjoy anything in my RL.
This weekend my H and I are doing some landscaping work to pretty up our backyard. I am not riddled with anxiety wondering what x may or may not be doing. I am not running into the house pretending to go the bathroom so I can text him or check to see if x has texted me. I caught myself standing in the yard smiling about something so simple as mulch. Mulch people! I couldn't find happiness in building a brand new home 18 months ago yet today mulch is making me smile. I have only very very recently turned this corner. I am "hopeful" that it is a sign of things to come.
I guess my point is this. Keep the faith. Hang in there. At some point we can all reach some peace. That anxiety doesn't have to be a constant in our life. That we do not need to fear that our lives are now suddenly boring without the highs of the A or that we can never be happy without x.....that is all the fog my friends. I never thought I would see the day that I could be in my backyard with my H and feel a rush of happiness over mulching....I even remember asking my x early on in the A if we would ever be happy again because I felt like I never would except for in our stolen moments together...well yes we can be happy again.