Words of wisdom from a friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Words of wisdom from a friend
1
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 5:21pm

I have one friend who knows about my ongoing (yes, I said ongoing) love-hate relationship with my xMM.

I was recently lamenting to my friend about how frustrated I am with MM’s patterns. We go months without speaking and then something happens – see each other at the same restaurant during lunch – and he calls me again. He always comes on really hot and heavy, and I am a sucker for the renewed attention. Then he just slips away, so I’m the only one calling or e-mailing. I’ll hear nothing for a week, and twist and turn in my anxiety, then he’ll give me a 20-minute phone call that makes my week.

It’s another post for another day about WHY I continue with this destructive behavior, but I’ll save that for now. So I was complaining to my friend about my loss of backbone and she said something oddly profound. She said, you don’t really care about him.

My first reaction was “but I do care, a lot.”

Would you let your husband get away with this? No.

That’s because you still care about your husband and your relationship with him.

You allow xMM to do this, because to force the issue means you have to deal with him, and since you don’t really care enough to deal with him, you allow him to continue with his “cake eating” behavior.

What do you mean by deal with him?

I mean force him to make a choice – them or you. You wouldn’t do that because then you have to make a choice – him or your family. You’ve made your choice or you would be divorced and living with him. So if you really cared about him, he would be yours. But deep down, you know he won’t be with you.

Something to think about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 8:48pm
My situation was a lot like you mentioned--my EXMM would reel me back in and come on very strong for a period of time, and then back down. For awhile it was almost cylical. It was three months of intensity--that petered out by the third month, slowly--to nearly nothing and then to his saying "I can't do this"..etc. Just ridiculous the excuses..the flipflopping and leading me on/fabricating truths.etc.. I really DID care for him..but for awhile- i didn't do much but put up with it again and again, because A)I knew if I threw a fit, he'd say "Well i don't need this"..so it was more like walking on eggshells for me.. and B) I DO and DID still love my husband.. Another thing is his wife is a drinker--he is miserable, and he knows I am not..i think that made things bad..I think at times he would fantasize about us together, but knew very well that I wasn't unhappily married as he was..so what was the sense? (In his mind at times). UGG> just too many unhealthy variables that went on..i'm glad it's over. I get worn out thinking of it.