Work tmrw..scared..
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| Mon, 12-28-2009 - 7:34pm |
I am currently at 4 days NC. im back to work tomorrow and will see xAP. Will be just a few of us working. I'm afraid. I've been able to not think about this at all..until now.
I see myself going to work and him being either a) distant (because he's mad at me for going NC or b) friendly (because he doesn't think this is different than any other weekend.
Either scenario, i'm fearful and i don't know what to do/how to act. I'm totally confused and not looking forward to it. I know i shouldn't care and should just proceed with my day but that's just now how it works..Wish it was. I think if we are REALLY sure of how we want to proceed, without a doubt, that makes things easier. But i'm not so sure. I'm sure i don't want an A, yes, but not about how to do it properly..there is no proper way is there..sigh..
Words of

Edited 1/3/2010 4:03 pm ET by classy01
Thanks so much..
you're right - easier said than done. From previous attempts i know that it will be rough. And yes you're right about me feeling guilty. Regardless of this being an A, and being wrong, i do feel somewhat accountable to him and i do feel bad about hurting him. I know i shouldn't and that it doesn't matter, but obviously it does matter as we are human.
If he talks to me, it's bad. If he doesn't talk to me, bad again.
If i only found some way to make it through the rough times at work. That would make all the difference. Sometimes i find myself sitting there and feeling down. It's like when i get to work i enter this totally different life, where he's my partner (i know how awful this sounds), and it feels like a real breakup having to go LC on him. I thought A's aren't real. How come it feels real when i'm there? And how do i deal with that awful feeling..questions questions..
Will be a long night..
Sunshine
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Edited 1/3/2010 7:54 pm ET by classy01
I'm doing it..i'm going straight LC. Not because i want to but because i have to, and i know that i have to based on the nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach every signle day. A feeling of guilt and of wrongfulness. That's all i have to go on,
Sunshine
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Edited 1/3/2010 7:55 pm ET by classy01
thank you..i am preparing and gathering all the strength i can find to face the day tomorrow.
Yes i should love myself and my H moer than to ever have had this A. In theory i know this and would expect nothing less from my H. I would think and hope he'd love me more than to cheat on me. Hypocrite. That's me. But i was thinking, if he did cheat on me, would this justify my A and make me regret ending it? I know it sounds like a selfish question. I thought about it. And my answer was
Sunshine
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Sunshine
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Sunshine
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I'm here now..So far, so good.
i was thinking about the why's of the A. Why did i get involved in this..why do any of us..Really, why. How stupid i was to think i'm so smooth and would get out of this feeling good. I feel awful.
Sunshine
.
Sunshine
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