Work tmrw..scared..

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Work tmrw..scared..
10
Mon, 12-28-2009 - 7:34pm

I am currently at 4 days NC. im back to work tomorrow and will see xAP. Will be just a few of us working. I'm afraid. I've been able to not think about this at all..until now.


I see myself going to work and him being either a) distant (because he's mad at me for going NC or b) friendly (because he doesn't think this is different than any other weekend.


Either scenario, i'm fearful and i don't know what to do/how to act. I'm totally confused and not looking forward to it. I know i shouldn't care and should just proceed with my day but that's just now how it works..Wish it was. I think if we are REALLY sure of how we want to proceed, without a doubt, that makes things easier. But i'm not so sure. I'm sure i don't want an A, yes, but not about how to do it properly..there is no proper way is there..sigh..


Words of

Sunshine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2009
Mon, 12-28-2009 - 10:09pm
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Edited 1/3/2010 4:03 pm ET by classy01
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Mon, 12-28-2009 - 11:15pm

Thanks so much..


you're right - easier said than done. From previous attempts i know that it will be rough. And yes you're right about me feeling guilty. Regardless of this being an A, and being wrong, i do feel somewhat accountable to him and i do feel bad about hurting him. I know i shouldn't and that it doesn't matter, but obviously it does matter as we are human.


If he talks to me, it's bad. If he doesn't talk to me, bad again.


If i only found some way to make it through the rough times at work. That would make all the difference. Sometimes i find myself sitting there and feeling down. It's like when i get to work i enter this totally different life, where he's my partner (i know how awful this sounds), and it feels like a real breakup having to go LC on him. I thought A's aren't real. How come it feels real when i'm there? And how do i deal with that awful feeling..questions questions..


Will be a long night..


Sunshine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2009
Mon, 12-28-2009 - 11:35pm
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Edited 1/3/2010 7:54 pm ET by classy01
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Mon, 12-28-2009 - 11:44pm

I'm doing it..i'm going straight LC. Not because i want to but because i have to, and i know that i have to based on the nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach every signle day. A feeling of guilt and of wrongfulness. That's all i have to go on,

Sunshine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2009
Mon, 12-28-2009 - 11:57pm
Good
"Women can fake orgasms but men can fake entire relationships" -Sharon Stone
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2009
Mon, 12-28-2009 - 11:58pm
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Edited 1/3/2010 7:55 pm ET by classy01
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Tue, 12-29-2009 - 12:04am
if you have not already done so, read the LC rules....they are very helpful and their are vets her who did LC and still work with their exAP and have ended the affair years and years ago....so it can be done, i cant imagine how hard it is....i wonder if i could ever. I wish you much strength tomorrow, just keep thinking you can do this, u can, because you deserve so much more and are worth your own joy, not the false BS he gives you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Tue, 12-29-2009 - 12:07am

thank you..i am preparing and gathering all the strength i can find to face the day tomorrow.


Yes i should love myself and my H moer than to ever have had this A. In theory i know this and would expect nothing less from my H. I would think and hope he'd love me more than to cheat on me. Hypocrite. That's me. But i was thinking, if he did cheat on me, would this justify my A and make me regret ending it? I know it sounds like a selfish question. I thought about it. And my answer was

Sunshine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Tue, 12-29-2009 - 12:13am
Thanks Sienna..i've read about everything in the Healing Library. I've been on here for a while. This board is the very reason why i ever considered ending the A. I know it can be done. My struggle is having to face him..and to give my reason for ending. The reason is it just has to. Why now? Because it's wrong and never should've been. It's easy to say it on here but it's hard to say it to a person. For me it's hard. My only motivation is imagining how hurt my H woul be if he ever found out.

Sunshine


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Sunshine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Tue, 12-29-2009 - 10:10am

I'm here now..So far, so good.


i was thinking about the why's of the A. Why did i get involved in this..why do any of us..Really, why. How stupid i was to think i'm so smooth and would get out of this feeling good. I feel awful.

Sunshine


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Sunshine

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