Work together and friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Work together and friends.
2
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 8:30pm

Been lurking a while but needing advice...will try to be short.

XAP and I work together, and have been good friends (part of a group of friends) during this 3-year A. I've tried to break it off several times so that I could move on with my life, but he always pulls me back.

Well, XAP and W have separated. And he's stressed, and yet not running to me. Smartly, (actually) he wants to go slow and make sure he's doing the right thing. Meanwhile, I've had a revelation - I'm not in love with him anymore, but scared to be alone, and jealous of his R with W. I WAS madly in love with him for a long time, though, and he's still one of my closest friends.

So, I ended it today, told him it MUST be for good this time so that he can see if, without me in the picture, he WANTS to be with W. If he doesn't after all that and becomes single, then we can date on the other side. He said okay...that it's something he knew was inevitable. He's called since "to check in" and I haven't answered.

Now... I have to face work (we work closely together) and our group of friends (we do volunteer work together every Friday). I'm not angry at him... I just want to get OVER him. This might be the perfect time, in that by the time they reconcile I might be over him.

Any advice on how to deal with someone you have to see frequently?

TIA!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 9:49pm

Hi TIA,


Welcome to EAS. You are wise to back away right now and let him figure out what he wants to do with his life. If he does decide to reconcile, he cannot do it with another person still in the picture.


However, and I just want to throw this out there: Would you really want to be in a relationship with someone who cheats on his wife?

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 10:10am

Hi, Tia-
I broke it off with my xAP when his therapist suggested that he leave me to focus on ending his R with his W. Since I didn't want to end the A really, it was really difficult for me to 'let him go'. But I did, and now that I'm four months out, I cringe at the thought that I ever entertained the idea of dating him on 'the other side', as you put it. At least, unlike me at the time, you realize you're not in love with him. That will make it so much easier for you to get out of the fog and to begin to see xAP for the man he really is. I will lay a big bet that in a few months you'll look at him and the A in a whole new light - thank God.

Now, your real question seems to be how to deal with an xAP when you have LC - limited contact. There are a lot of posts here re: how to cope with LC. I hope you're reading the Healing Library and as many of the older posts as you can. LC is a difficult road and I'd like to suggest you eliminate all unnecessary contact as possible, even if that means you begin to develop new friendships and take on new volunteer activities that don't involve xAP. It is a hard fact that we must change our lives to avoid X, and one that I resented in the beginning, but slowly one accepts that the farther away we place ourselves, the quicker we heal and less pain we suffer. Consider it a taking back of power, instead of another constraint imposed by the A and its aftereffects.

Please keep posting and reading. I look forward to hearing your progress!
Best,
Dee

PS -ew, ew, ew that even suggested keeping you on the side lines 'in case' he didn't work it out with W. Just goes to show that he thinks of you as a sure bet sidedish.