working on my marriage after the affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
working on my marriage after the affair
8
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 12:39pm
I ended things with the ow forever, I hope. Sometimes I hate to even say that. Forever!I will miss her so much. I still have very strong feelings for the ow. I am still very emotional and miss her so much it hurts. Yet, I have told my wife I will work on things with her. She is attractive, nice and has been good to me given my A. She is still there by my side. I still love her in some way but not like I love the ow. We are going to individual counseling and couples counseling. I use to love her and never thought I would ever have an affair. I became extremely attached to the ow and feel like I love her more than I have loved anyone. The reason we ended the A is because it was getting to complicated. She wanted to marry at some point and so did I. Meshing families was going to be tough, so was dealing with ex's.

MY question is: Should I be working on things with my wife now or should I make sure I'm over the ow before we start? My heart is still with the ow.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 2:30pm
Its really hard, but I am in the same boat in a way. You have to look at your W and appreciate that she is the woman she is. To still be by your side after what you two have been through she is a good woman. Now that you have officially ended thing with the OW you are going to miss her and still want to talk to her. I know the key is learning how to be in a relationship with your wife again, talk to her get to know her again. Find what it is that you had when you first fell in love with her. Did you meet the OW while you were having problems in your marriage?

Because after a while your feelings may change you may realize that you only felt all those emotions towards the OW because she wasn't your wife and she was able to fill the voids in your marriage at that given time. Its a long road to recovery but finalizing things is definitely leading you on the right foot. Just be strong.

Emotion

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 3:15pm
Bear -

Wow, do I know what you are going through. But don't wait for the hurt to stop before you try to start healing your M. You'll be waiting a very long time. My A has been over for almost 3 months and XOM still has my heart. I still miss him terribly. But life MUST go on. I tell myself everyday how lucky I am to have my H - somedays, I have to FORCE myself to believe it, but I know it's true. The pain and heartache will still be there for a long time to come - accept that now, but know that you are doing the right thing and you will eventually move past it. It does get easier....

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 3:41pm
Bear,

Don't look at the "forever" aspect right now, just take things one day at a time. And yes, ABSOLUTELY get to work on your marriage RIGHT AWAY! It will *help* you get over the OW!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 6:22pm

"MY question is: Should I be working on things with my wife now or should I make sure I'm over the ow before we start? My heart is still with the ow."


Gee, let's see now, candy coated response or reality check?


Candy coated response:


"Aw, it's ok. You'll be OK. Yes, it hurts. That will go away eventually. Sniff, sniff....."


Reality check:


It's your life. And it's up to you to make a choice and FOLLOW THROUGH. And accept the consequences of your choice. DO you love your wife enough to stay and fix your marriage? It's a yes or no question. Not "gee what if I can string along my GF and my wife some more?" type question.


THe only person in your skin and head is you. Not us. Look in the mirror and talk to yourself and stick to whatever decision you come up with. One of the women is going to be on the outs. You made the triangle. Now you break up the triangle. Put your heart in a drawer and think with your big head. THink through what you have had with your wife and whether it's worth saving. You already know your answer so stop asking people who haven't a clue about your day to day life what you should do. If what you have lived with your wife is worth keeping long term, then cut the OW loose with a good-bye kiss and see you in the next life exit. If what you lived with wife isn't worth it, then cut her loose and live on your own. Your wife deserves somebody's full time attention, even if it isn't yours........


Get moving. Time's awasting.....


cl-nre


P.S. In case you didn't read my prior posts to you, I lived on the fence for 17 years. Pretty damn selfish and cruel to do so, particularly to my ex-wife.......


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 9:34am
To all of you who are feeling this way. Maybe you can help a wife who is hanging in there knowing that her H's heart is with the OW and at this point not even sure if he has ended it for good. This is the hardest thing I have had to do in my life. You see I am sure your H or W for that matter still loves you the way you feel you love the OW or OM. SO she is or he is going through the same pain as you if not worse -remember that you've been together and shared so much for awhile ..keep that in mind. Don't walk around in front of your W or H as if you are in mourning for your lover, its so painful to watch. If your wife is so wonderful, attractive ect and if you ever had an emotional connection to her and if things have not been "bad" between you then you owe it to yourself and your spouse to try and figure out what caused you to stray. If you can't figure it out it on your own a therapist can be really helpful. I wish you all luck and courage to get through this. Its a tough time for both of you. Check out the book, Not Just Friends by Shirly Glass which has a chapter on rebuilding. It talks about your feelings and your partner's and how this is difficult for both of you and what to do about it. I try very hard to understand that as much as my H has hurt me and is not being very considerate of my feelings right now that he is hurting and missing "her" and from my perspective I just want to scream about that.. but it is what it is. I can't change how he feels and I can only hope we can rebuild. We have no children so for us its for the sake of a mostly beautiful supportive 14 yr relationship that I want to try and make this work. Good for you all ..trying at least to work on things. I hope my H will come to where you are all at. Best of luck. we all need it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 9:41am
One thing I have learned from my rebuilding is that the more time and distance I put between myself and the XMM, and the more time I spent with DH as a part of my life, the easier it has become to remember why I married and why I ultimately chose to stay with him. There's a very interesting post below about the chemical reactions in the brain when we are in love, etc. I can't remember whether it was in one of those articles or somewhere else that I read that a certain chemical in the brain keeps you wanting the person you last had a good time with, or something like that. I guess what I mean is that even if it's awkward or not as much fun initially, once you make your DW a regular part of your life, you're thoughts will more and more be about her. You'll get more comfortable together and maybe be able to start joking around or doing the things you used to enjoy doing togehter. Or maybe you'll find new things you want to do. Either way, try to have an open mind. You may be absolutely certain that DW doesn't offer the same satisfaction that XOW did, but you might be surprised. Just my .02. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 11:15am
It has only been 1 week since I have not had contact with the ow. I still feel the pain, but it seems to have dulled a bit the more I spend time with my w and kids. I still check my cell phone like a nut hoping she called me. I also sit around at work waiting for an e-mail so that I know she still cares. Why should that matter? Well, It makes me feel better. MY w and I have attended another marriage counseling session. it went well. We had a very good weekend. She allowed me to go to hunting camp with the guys I hunt with. I didn't enjoy myself as much as usual. Still miss ow. After spending hours by myself hunting I was so tempted to call ow and just lay it on the line. tell her I needed her, that I would get a divorce and be with her. When I thought of doing that it seemed to relieve the pain. I was strong and decided against it. MY w has been very supportive and positive about our reconcilliation. I would feel even better about it once my job situation is settled. Still worried about my job prospects. I really don't want to go to work for the same company she works for. I don't have any other options and I an slowly going broke. I worry if we work together we will have contact and I will be right back where I was to begin with. I worry if I don't take the job financially I will go under. I have been looking but time is running out and I will have to give this. Just ranting so I don't send ow an e-mail. Oh, the things I could write to her!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 1:40pm
Oh please don't do it.. There must be so much going on for you-- what does this woman mean to you? In the long run think about all you will be losing, friends, all you have with your wife, your family what would it all mean? And then if it did not work out. Think things through -- If you can figure out what this woman means to you, what she represents that is missing in your life and try to replace it with something more positive for what you are trying to accomplish with your wife. I am sure you are hurting there is something that you were not happy about that drew you to her. I don't know your story and maybe you have very good reasons. I know when I was in your situation many years ago, I had never had any passion with my H and knew this before I married him. I poured my passion into other things but sex was always empty and not of interest. Fifteen years I hung in there until I met my current H.. who I found passion and an emotional connection I never had with my ex and never had with anyone else in my life. I still live with all the guilt of that but No matter what happens with my current H and I now because the shoe is on the other foot, I will always treasure what I have had with him. I know he is as conflicted as you and it must be so painful to give up something that you feel you need. I think if my previous marriage had been passionate and wonderful in the beginning then I would have tried harder to stay. Try reading some books to keep strong, I know my H is doing that now and he says it is helping to keep him grounded as to what is real... us and our marriage. The book he is reading is "Whats love got to do with it and other lies about marriage" Its a down to earth tells it like it is book and gives some solid advice. Hang tough..seek out friends talk to someone about this . stay on the boards and stay strong.. Try to seek out others to fill some of what you have been getting from her if it is emotional. If it is sexual then that is more difficult. I wish there was an easy answer but we are such complex individuals and so none of this is easy. Best to you and you are not alone.