working in same bldg. with OM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
working in same bldg. with OM
5
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 8:26pm
Hi. I'm new to this (my first post)...I've read a few posts and was very encouraged. I work in the same bldg. as my xOM...how do I deal with that? It's so hard. I try not to have any contact (IM/email), but it's hard and it makes me miss him so much more and I begin having all kinds of MIXED emotions. And yes, the weekends are the worst! Knowing that we're in the same bldg. helps, so when the weekend comes around, I feel so alone:( Please help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 2:41am
First of all you came to the right place! Next is the fact that it's the weekend so don't get discouraged if you don't receive lots of replies!

You're already doing the right thing by trying to avoid him! But, if you want it to really work good and fast you have to quit "TRYING" and just do it! I know that sounds harsh and hard to accomplish! It isn't! You're a woman right? You can do anything you set your mind on!

I would imagine you have endured the pain of plucking your eyebrows? Or getting a bikini wax? Same dif. here! It hurts like hell! But, when you're done??? AHHH the incredible hulk is history! Paint a picture in your mind! Okay??? When you think of him or see him imagine that hot bikini wax ripping the hair out? Or tweezing 1 hair at a time!

Hope I didn't make you scream! But, at the same time I hope you know that being truly gorgeous comes at a price! Also ask you to ponder this: Men decided women should be hairless everywhere but their heads! Payback is a ------? Use it for you girl!

And always remember a picture is worth a 1000 words!

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 8:13am
Hi and welcome to our cozy new board. I am sorry for the upset you are feeling and I will be the first to tell you that if you truly want out of the pain and misery over mixed feelings, then you need to make up your mind you will do WHATEVER IT TAKES for the pain of it to end. Otherwise, your cycles of pain will continue.

You referred to this man as the XOM - does this mean you have ended the A with him and he has agreed it is best? You need to tell us more in order to help you. Minimal contact when you work together is possible. It requres you to be strictly business. If you can't accomplish that, then I would suggest updating your resume and to begin looking for something else. Also, since you referred to your A partner as the XOM, I am assuming you are married. What is the status of your marriage relationship?

It takes time and good communication here on this board to get past this. But you can do it if you truly want to. What do you really want because your post was full of mixed emotions. You DO have to make a decision and live with it to get over this. Surely you know that.

Again, welcome and hope you'll tell us more of your story.

GT

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 6:30pm
Hello again. Okay...here's my story.

The A began about 2 years ago...I broke it off as soon as it started but it didn't work out that way (we've tried to stop many, many times after that). I am now divorced, (it will be a year in a few months) was married for about 6 years but H did not know about the A and we do not have any children. XOM is married also with little kids. This is the longest we've been broken up (a few months) and I really want and need it to stay that way but I don't want to have to move/change jobs (at least not now). We did not have the 'typical' A...he did not come to see me on weekends or anything like that (mostly during work days, before/after work).

I still feel guilty about the A and feel badly that I had it with a MM with small children and I am angry with myself that I miss him so much. I've read that no contact is the best way but that would only be possible if I moved/changed jobs. And I've also read that I need to forgive myself but how do I forgive myself so that I can truly move on?

Ana

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 9:19pm
It sounds like you ended your marriage for yourself and not because of the A which is a good thing. To me that means you are a strong person and that you are in touch with yourself and your feelings. You also know what is right and wrong in your realtionship with this MM. Let him be alone to work out his marital problems with his wife. You are not his crutch and you do not need to be his side thing. He needs to make decisions about his marriage on his own. You need to take care of your own heart in this situation. A lot of these mm's are needy and suck you dry and never leave their wife. AND YES I know how sweet and kind and wonderful they can be!

Keep up the no contact - it takes a while but it works and move forward.

Lyssa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 6:48am
Ana,

I'm sorry for the pain you're going through... Like you, NC is not an option for me unless I make some major life changes that, as of yet, I'm not willing to make. Partly because, for me, the changes would likely reveal the A to my H and he doesn't know about it, and hopefully never will.

You asked about forgiveness... how to forgive yourself. Something I struggle with almost daily. During and especially after my A, I got more and more depressed. I now go to therapy (which I wish I'd started much sooner than I did)... and we have talked a lot about forgiving myself. A few things that have helped me... First - my therapist pointed out that adultress is just one small part of me - it is not the only defining part of who I am. And it is a part I am giving up, getting rid of. Just as a smoker can quit smoking and not be a smoker anymore, I can give up that part of me that no longer fits who I am (did it ever really fit me anyway???) - and let it go.

Another exercise my therapist had me do was tell her exactly what I feel is involved in forgiveness, since I said I didn't know how to forgive myself... and the things I said included:

Being TRULY sorry that you did this

Being sure that you never want to do this again (learning a lesson)

Taking steps to insure that it doesn't happen again (NC, or even if that just means exercising massive willpower when you're around your XMM so that you set and keep boundaries, and don't get drawn back in)

Asking God to forgive you - making peace in whatever religious way that you practice, repenting, however you would put it.

Making it up to those who have been hurt, fixing what you did that was hurtful, even if they don't necessarily know you are doing so... In my case this involves trying to fix my marriage and make it better for both of us, even though my A was not revealed to my H.

Another thing someone else said to me really made sense too - she said that I know I made a mistake and am working on living a better life now. So do I really deserve to be punished every day for the rest of my life for this mistake? There has to be a point where I say enough is enough and I have been through enough pain, and stop adding to it by beating myself up daily.

I don't have all the answers - and I'm not always good and following through on everything. I'm still depressed and in therapy, but I am working on it, working on forgiveness... and I do believe what my therapist told me - that when I get there, it will be a big part of lifting my depression.

Good luck to you, and I hope this post didn't get too long...

Glinda