workinginpickle

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
workinginpickle
3
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 2:59pm

You asked me a question in your last post to me.

"You haven't mentioned in your posts if you ever want the A to go anywhere or if you were just happy with it "as is"... but this post has stayed with me (Free wrote it to lealavender several weeks ago - thank you!):"

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"It "BEGINS" to change when you really decide deep down in your heart to let go to accept that it really is never going anywere ever and the time has come to move on with out him, but even with all of this it still takes time."

Did I want the affair to go anywhere? Yes, I thought I did. I just wanted to be happy and be with him all the time. We talked about it a lot. Did I ever think that would happen? No, it was just a fanasty. I didn't want to hurt our families and friends. We talked a lot about that we knew we would end it and how much it was going to hurt. Trying to prepare myself did not help at all. He was the one that finally ended it, even though I know it was for the best, I can't seem to let it go. Yesterday was better, today just ok. I saw XOM last night, he had to come to the house to pick up something. DH was here, they did most of the talking, I was nice but not too friendly. At least he came by himself, if he would have brought new girlfriend, I would have really been in a rage. That would have been like throwing it in my face. DH said that she would probably come with him, that she didn't let him out of her sight. I will deal with seeing them together when I have to, but not looking foward to it.

I hope you are doing better today. They are right, even knowing that it's over, that it is not going anywhere, it is still going to take time. I guess we just have to hang in there and give it time. The only thing I can be sure of is that I will never do this again, what was I thinking? The guilt and hurt are too much to handle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 8:51pm
(((((((Depressed)))))) I just wanted to tell you not to let the guilt and hurt tear you up. The thing is..we are all people..and people have flaws, and people make mistakes. Allow yourself to just know that you made a mistake, you are moving on-and life is too precious to dwell on what you feel guilty over any further..If the EMA is over..you deserve to be happy and learn from it..but not let it eat you up. So be gentle with yourself..and give yourself a break..we are all able to make mistakes in this life..it's what we learn from then on that makes a difference.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 9:06pm

depressed,

You seem to be feeling slightly better which is great. I can tell from your words that you were able to make it through yesterday's visit - and you didn't mention major saddness afterwards which is great, or maybe you just left that part out ; )

This is all about breaking that fantasy. You mentioned that you never really thought you'd be together although you wanted to be with him all the time. I would never have left my H and young kids even if he said "now." It was a fantasy... and as Id said it's our hearts reconsiling with our minds (that may have known a long time ago but somehow wasn't harsh enough in stopping it) that's causing the pain now.

It's funny you said you'd never do it again and I feel 100% the same way. However, this morning I read an old post from a couple month's ago that was contentious and said to basically be on guard... when the pain stops you're more vulnerable than others that have never crossed the line to do this again - horror of horrors! I don't know if that's true for me or not (hey, never thought I'd be in this horrendous position either!). But I will beware... seems unimaginable right now.

Note: xMM said about 9 years ago when I was upset that he cared about me and would love to see this go on for 10-15 years. At the time I thought - OMG, if I'm still doing this at that point - shoot me!! I seriously thought "NO WAY." Here I am almost 10 years later. (sob... just kidding... but only kidding because I'm feeling okay right this minute... it is a reason for sobbing occasionally)

Hoping we've learned too much for more... WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 9:16pm

Like any problem if you do not deal with the root cause of it you do increase the risk of it happening again,some people that were hurting do go on to have second third and forth affairs but that is the minority.

The best defence is a good offense go after the internal problems and the relationship problems if any that got you here and you won't become a serial cheater.

JMHO

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