Would like some support today!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Would like some support today!!!!!
5
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 10:38pm

I am no longer in my affair, however XMM still calls me on occasion. Only at work tho cause I won't answer my cell phone, if he calls. I suppose he does it to make sure he still has his hook snug and fit in me. He tells me that he loves me, and that he "always comes back to me" when we go to NC and asks me to keep a place in my heart for him. The last time he spoke I told him that I just wanted him happy and that he knew that there was still a small spot in my heart for him. I know, poor choice of words, but what is.. said and done and I can't take those words back now. I have tried to be very strong up to today. I try and think of things that happened during our affair that made me mad or hurt my feelings, so I can continue to keep a distance between me and him, and continue my moving on way of thinking.
Maybe it hormones or the alignment of the stars, or my mind drifting off into another time. Whatever it is, I know I'll get thru it and will be back in full swing soon.

I wonder if men that par-take in affairs...do you or do they think they really truly fall in love, or is it really just a "fill my need" kind of thing?? It's funny how he could profess his love for me so much and so often, but never acted upon it...like wanting to do things with me other than trying the get me in the bed, or thinking of me the same way he thinks of his friends and people in his community as far as doing little things, small jestures of friendship or kindness. The answer to the above question is NO about falling in love and YES to "fill the need". It's all about the need and how he will say anything to get it met.

I am a kind hearted, hopeless romantic that gets lost in past feelings of the relationship sometimes. One thing now tho, is that I am putting my love and energy into my marriage and my husband. He is one heck of a guy and I'm lucky to have him.

I guess I needed to ramble a minute, Thanks for allowing it and being there for me. My affair and relationship with XMM is over and WILL remain that way, regardless of what he continues to try and tell me.

TCOM

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 11:22pm

TCOM

Hi, My I suggest that you start to see XMM as a person that is trying to abuse your husband by trying to have a sexual or controling relationship with his wife, what he does when he calls you and tells you that crap is an affront and an insult to your husband and your marriage, TIME TO STOP BEING KIND, tell him to F#$K off and never ever to call you again.

I know this sounds harsh to a softy like you but there comes a time were you have to roll up that newspaper and snack that dog for pissing on your family just to relieve his bladder.

Be kind to your husband and defend his honor.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 4:11am

Hi takincare,

ah... you don't really come over as if you needed much of our support: You sound strong, reasonable - you analysed and put it all so well:

"" I wonder if men that par-take in affairs...do you or do they think they really truly fall in love, or is it really just a "fill my need" kind of thing?? It's funny how he could profess his love for me so much and so often, but never acted upon it...like wanting to do things with me other than trying the get me in the bed, or thinking of me the same way he thinks of his friends and people in his community as far as doing little things, small jestures of friendship or kindness. The answer to the above question is NO about falling in love and YES to "fill the need". It's all about the need and how he will say anything to get it met.""

That's just like it is! You answered yourself pretty well there ;-) and I could have written these exact words myself.
And I think a lot of the pain we experience afterwards stems from our own kind-heartedness and truthfulness: WE DID mean it when we said we loved him, didn't we?! Only to find out he took all that love and used it to pacify his need. This should make us much more furious and less sad than most of us are.

Let me say it again: You sound SO good! You've made a decision, are determined to stick with it and fix your marriage. You love your husband and you acknowledge the things he does for you. You know you'll get through - and from your words I get the feeling that slowly you find you'll be enjoying the fact, you'll be glad to get into full swing again, be able to put the A away for good...

All of us get romantically lost in the past sometimes, some of us cave in - but that is understandable, no crime and forgivable, because afterwards, we struggle and battle on. For ourselves, our own good. And I would guess a lot of us keep a place in their hearts for EVERY person they ever loved, A or not (I know I'm made that way). We just need to make this place small (so there's enough space for others) and see to it that it stops hurting. Time is very helpful there.

Here's my support: You're doing fine and I'm convinced you'll win this one.
Thanks for sharing,
M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 8:25pm
Hi Free. Wonderful advice and awesome support. THANK YOU!!!! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 8:30pm
Womaninthewoods...Thank you for your kind words. :) Wishing you much happiness in your life and your heart.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 9:02am

TCOM, thanks for posting how you have been feeling. Your sharing is helping me. I am trying so hard to see my A for what it is. I think in my head I know it isn't love from him really. That's why I get more and more desperate to hear the words, and don't feel at all better when I do. I hope that someday I can get back to where I was with my H, although right now I am at the point where I don't many feelings left for him, and I'm afraid I won't get them back no matter how hard I try. You keep up the good work. You are an inspiration to me, that's for sure. Have a good Thanksgiving.

Breathe