Would ya? Could ya?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Would ya? Could ya?
9
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 6:45pm

I over heard a conversation today between 2 young girls. One was asking the other - "would you go back with him after what he did to you"??? Now I do not know what he did to her but it made me wonder...
Would you ever consider going back with your X-affair partner if you could get away with having an affair and not have concerns of being caught or criticized or feeling guilty? Could you deal with him or her again, and change your way of thinking about them? Would you or could you make a committment to them if things happen to work out to where you start a whole new relationship with them. Starting over again?? In the affair I had, I do not see me being about to handle it again. But that's just me, kind, caring, softy I am.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 7:36pm

"Would you ever consider going back with your X-affair partner if you could get away with having an affair and not have concerns of being caught or criticized or feeling guilty? "

Without a doubt, if I could be guarnateed of not being caught (ie, devastating others) and no guilt (ie, my conscience would not torture me as it has all year) then my answer would be a definite YES.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 8:40pm

Hi TCM,

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Absolutely, emphatically not.

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I wouldn't be able to deal with myself again.

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There is no way to start again while he is still committed to what he started long before me. His marriage.

If he were to get a divorce, and move here, and go through the therapy necessary to solve the issues within himself that allowed him to embark in an affair, then maybe. Maybe.
But the "what if" game is a dangerous one and I prefer not to play it anymore.

I now live in the world of the here and now. The "what is" rather than the "what if".

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 9:56pm
If i could handle the A better myself AND still not get caught or have guilt YES!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 5:20am

Hiya TCOM,

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No. There are no consequence-free actions. Regardless of if no one ever discovered it, I'd still know. I prefer being proud of who peers back at me from the mirror these days. I will not give that up, not for anyone.

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I already have changed how I think of exOM hence I have no need or desire to deal with him again LOL. Even exOM's access visits to our daughter are arranged and supervised solely by my DH.

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No. I already have this option and I continue to refuse it. While the proposals of marriage & happy-ever-after's have diminuished over time, they have not yet died out altogether.

ExOM's wish for a committed relationship with me & our daughter is something he manages to communicate to us (DH & I) roughly every two months or so. It's invariably via an email address with which DH & I are unfamiliar and it simply means we add another ip address to the block list.

I do not flatter myself with this attention since all it really demonstrates is exOM's lack of respect for me and the boundaries I have drawn as well as his own willingness to bail on his long-term partner and their one year old baby while continuing to lie to them.

What exOM continues to want or need displays precious little interest in what *I* happen to want or need. It shows remarkably little growth and I would not subject myself let alone our 2yr old daughter to such an unhealthy relationship or role model.

Not just no, but h3ll no to all of the above questions. ;)

Strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 5:29am

<<>>


Well, without fear of being caught, criticized or feeling guilty, it woundn't *BE* an affair. But hypothetically.......My answer would be an adamant "He11 NO!"

~True~


 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 8:59am

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No, not under those terms. (I'm single, he's married.) If he ever chooses to leave his marriage and be with me, then YES, I would give a relationship a shot with him. I WISH I could say no but that wouldn't be an honest answer. I know myself too well and I really think we would be good together. But I, under no circumstances, want to be in an "affair" with him. It's too degrading and I have learned since it ended that I respect myself more now that I choose not to continue with him. It certainly isn't easy fighting temptation though.

Pal

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 9:23am
I have come to conclution, while advisismy daughter on a relatonship matter, that I will no longer be second, third or any thinf else I wan't to be first and will no longer take a back seat and sit many nights alone, (unless I choose to stay home for my own reasons, just to chill out ect) If he were to get a divorce and I want to see the papers, then yes I would see him again, I love him and )regardless what a few of you think, you don't know him or the situation) I would welcome him with open arms and his daughter and I have to say that she is the only one that I would sit on the far side and let her have the middle, I would not take back sit mind you but a lateral.
Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 9:56am

"Would you ever consider going back with your X-affair partner if you could get away with having an affair and not have concerns of being caught or criticized or feeling guilty? "

~No way would I go back to my A partner. But I fear that I would possibly find a new one if I knew that I would never get caught, criticized or feel guilty at all.

JMHO
~nuttmeg

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 9:57am

No, I couldn't. It wasn't guilt or the scare of being caught that made me decide to end it. It was the longer I was with him, the more I learned about XMM ways, most of which I knew when I first met him, but overlooked because I thought I was "special". Those traits of his were becoming harder to live with the longer our A went on.

He's tried everything he knows to try to get me back. He asked me recently 'is there any fixing us?' But knowing what I know now, I'd be a fool to ever try with him again. I told him that really seeing how he is when it comes to women, makes it impossible for me to ever feel secure with him. This is why my relationship with my H is such a solid foundation for me..HE is trusthworthy, therefore, I feel safe. I had the opportunity to see first hand what it would have been like to be with a man in which I couldn't trust fully, always doubted, always had suspicions..and I hated it. I cannot live with that anxiety.