Would you??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2005
Would you??
11
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 8:58am

Wondering, if your MM ended the A.-claiming 3 acts of vandalism at his home due to the A.being known by a 'ghost'--no idea who is doing this but do know it is due to knowledge by someone of the A.--W.discovered A. 6 weeks ago & obviously knows H. has had contact with me over vandalism. MM has 'ended' this twice in the past 2 weeks & has continued contact. He has asked that I come to where he will be for the day this week. I am very tempted to go yet wonder why? Knowing it will more than likely be the last time we are together I wonder why put myself thru the grief,yet am so drawn to going. We spoke for a minute yesterday & he remarked he was looking foreward to the day together,I responded with 'we'll see',I have not committed to this as of yet.I must add I did call & ask that he meet me for a minute Fri. eve. on his way home-he could tell I was upset & needed to see him. He had told me he had planned on calling me on his way home & asking for me to meet him.I know he was probably planning on doing this as he has been out of town & we have spoken on the phone.This would be alot easier if I were told he wanted to regain his marriage-he has repeatedly said he has no desire to reach out to accept what is offered,feels resentment in that years ago when he attempted to put it back he was met with indifference.They have lived two totally seperate lives for years and years--they were never together at any functions.She has said she will 'fight' for her marriage since her discovery of the A.

Emotionally I am exhausted to say the least-which I am sure we all have gotten to be at one time or another, so, why do we continue to put ourselves thru this torture? In a weird way of I almost want to go there just for the sheer pleasure of saying "You let it go, remember"? Twice I attempted to end it and am guilty of allowing him to con his way back,he could not accept my decision, his worst fear of losing me was coming true, etc.. The second time I had been away for 2 weeks & he acted as if I had been gone for 2 hours, his demeanor was that of "I'll see you whenever"--I was very hurt as well as furious & basicaly said do not call, ever.He amazingly found away to get to me that pm--I have never played the 'notanswer the phone game--nor has he.We talked & he agreed my feelings were valid--we did not see each other before I left& he knew I was upset about this. I do not mean intimate time, I meant just in person a good bye before I left.So both times I have relented.The A. is/ was 15 months in duration and he has always been 2 steps ahead of me in that wanting more--words of "You are all I want, I want to be with you 100%--all the things we hear--that in reality will not happen for if they were truly wanted that badly they would make it happen regardless of the obsticles. I love the line from a song "Sometimes we live our lives in chains never knowing we have the key" True. So--in lieu of this info--would you go or not??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
In reply to: sval36
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 6:58pm

Sval

NOT NOT NOT, Way do you think anything will change or that he will stop playing his head games with you.

Walk away from this drama once and for all....be honest with yourself THERE IS NOTHING HE CAN DO TO FORCE YOU TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP YPU DON'T WANT...he sucks you back in because you let him and you let him in the PAST because you had not reached the point were you had truely had enough of this BULLCRAP.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
In reply to: sval36
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 10:26pm

Regardless of whether MM's wife has six-arms, three green heads each uglier than the next and with breath like roadkill emmanating from all three heads, she is STILL the one he's chosen to remain with, Sval.

You don't have to like her or understand why he's chosen her, but you do have to understand that he HAS chosen her. She doesn't have to fight for her marriage or for anything else, MM is still there right there exactly where he wants to be.

Seems pretty clear he wants his respectable pillar of the community life right there at home with his wife & grown up kids. Of course, someone to pick up the slack for him outside that respectable facade is fun, too, at least right up to the point where the respectable facade is endangered. Then, you just give it up or maybe just get more sneaky.

Talking to him, texting, IMing, emailing, & spending time with him all makes MM's homelife that much easier and more comfy. Sure, it's pretty darn kind of you & all, but that doesn't exactly appear to be what you were looking/hoping for from him.

If what you want is MM all to yourself, you're shooting yourself in the foot by accepting anything less and meeting him in secret would qualify as "less." What's his incentive? Why should he give you more if you're obviously happy with less?

If you're happy to be the dirty secret to his respectable facade, then you go for it girl. Just try not to kid yourself it's anything more.

I'm still curious about your husband's take on all this. You rarely mention him.

~LeFeen~

"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. " ~Anais Nin~
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
In reply to: sval36
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 12:30am

sval,

my 2 cents is to avoid him, its only going to bring more pain for u

its all lies,

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
In reply to: sval36
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 3:40am

sval...

You are in that vicious circle of "who is going to end it and who is going to be rejected" thing. Its addictive until THE CYCLE ENDS. It needs to end...so go see him and END THIS.

Get some dignity and end it yourself. Quit being the one who is more curious as to if someone cares about you or not. BASICALLY I THINK WE ALL KNOW WHAT I AM SAYING HERE.

Ok..so you have a chance to be the ender....do it this time because next time you will be the fool again...and I so wish I had that chance back myself. Mine ended pathetically when i had that moment to end it myself and feel better. YES WE ALL KNOW WE HAVE AN EGO...ROMANCE OR NOT...VALUES OR NOT...ETC..some of us thrive on when we have hand or not...because THAT AFFECTS OUR EGO. We want to be the 'right" one...not the one who gets dumped with egg on our face.

Damn, i had it for a moment and then curiousity and wanting to be loved got the best of me. SHOOOT! I screwed up..now i am the pathetic one and he is probably laughing his way to his again happier life getting exactly what he wants without consequence. (in my case at least).

don't screw up. END THIS YOURSELF...quit worrying about what his intentions are or how he feels about you......THIS IS OVER considering what you thought it was when it started. Many women think its up to the man when its over. IS IT OVER FOR YOU YET?? ARE YOU HAVING FUN???? WHAT PART OF THIS IS NOT YOURS ANYMORE? or did you forget you live your life....

Think on that,
Lizzie




Edited 5/31/2005 4:18 am ET ET by lizzie1965
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
In reply to: sval36
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 6:47am

<<<<>>>>

Thanks for this slap in the head, Lizzie. My "ENDING" seems to be like the dying corpse that keeps having little spasms just before it finally expires. I know in my head that is over- I am moving on and working on my issues that allowed it to happen but we have occassional work related contact that I ALLOW to become personal "Check in" sessions i.e How are you dealing with this is? This is how I'm coping etc., etc. - even to the point of passing on advice that I have learned here and from therapy.

He believes that we can hold on to the "friendship" and re-establish appropriate boundaries. (we have a 17 year history together - 10 years as professional collegues and 7 years in an A) I think we will be able to eventually but for now whenever we are in the same room I ache inside with repressed desire and lust. It's almost like sticking my finger in the candle flame to test if I can feel the burn. WHAT am I trying to PROVE? Is this hanging on to my DIGNITY....It must sure feed his ego to see me squirm but NO - I think that's MY ego talking. I genuinely know that he wants what is best for both of us. He ended it "THIS TIME", you see.

<<<<<<<>>>>>

You are so right again, Lizzie. Time for this chick to stop testing the fire and throw a bucket of water on it for good! Definitely more easily SAID then DONE....

ARTIST

OOPs Sval - I just realized that I kind of "highjacked" your thread. Maybe my story has some lessons for you too? I am now 2 months out of my A. This is my 2nd "serious" attempt to end it but there have been many other "good intentions" to end it along the way. This time I AM OUT FOR GOOD........AMEN

****GET OUT NOW****GET OUT NOW*****IT'S YOUR CHOICE***** I BEG YOU**** DONT GO BACK TO HIM

Edited 5/31/2005 7:00 am ET ET by frustratedartist




Edited 5/31/2005 7:01 am ET ET by frustratedartist
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2005
In reply to: sval36
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 7:47am

My 'husbands' take on this as per the question in an earlier post here is the same as most MW involved in an A.with a MM--he does not know.As for his resonse should he become aware of it--hard to tell at this point as we basically live a life of convience, which is not all that uncommon.It works for us both-no need to change it unless one or the other becomes disatisfied with how it has been since he moved back in after being seperated for 3 years. The day he moved back I knew it was a mistake--this was 10 years ago. We are friends--as in we do go on vacations together, out to dinner, etc,It is not nor ever was a great love affair, lacked passion , excitement from the start. There is a 12 year age gap--he is older-he is also a muscian--professionally-and has been for many many years.That is a key statement there.

As for MM & my going to see him while out of town, he knows I must have reserations about doing so, as I had a v.mail late last pm--very odd as it was made from his home.It was a 'hello' message-thinking of you, etc.. This a.m. as he was on his way out of town he left another message--5 a.m. -only a 7 1/2 hour gap between the two--amazing really.Again just a hello, hope your day goes well, couldn't resist calling to say hello, I miss you, I love you, would love to hear from you.Yes, at 5:45 a.m.I did return the call--we spoke for quite awhile-general conv. I was asked about my intent on coming to see him & did not commit.So I am sure he will call later in the eve. to again broach the subject. I feel I am more detatched than he is now--probably out of his persistance all during the A. he pushed alot & I did allow myself to follow suit emotionally. I also find things that were said to me have now become modified to suit the moment,ex. "You have all of my heart" to now "You will always have a piece of my heart"--I figure by next week I'll have been forgotten at this pace! I also find some annoyance in that his carelessness caused discovery--he admits he got to the point all he wanted was to see me with no regards to consequences.So I do feel like this exploded due to his behavior-now it is exposed it has to end. Then there is the fact that a majority of A's are on the mans terms--they call, they plan time available, etc,.. yes, I accepted this fact from the start, I never pressed for more. So now do I allow it to end on his terms or do I do it on mine? Both times he mananged to maneuver nme into not ending it when I said I had had enough--both times out of fury.I have not in any way shape or form said I do not want to end, I have not cried,made any pleading statements, nothing. I have not said a word about it.When he has called I have been no different than if I were talking to a friend.He has said I love you--I have not responded-those are VERY empty words to me-I feel they are said out of habit.Too much has been said & has happened for me to feel anything when it is said.I will never forget saying those words to him the first thing one a.m before he ended it & I was met with dead silence-that hurt.Oh, I'm sure he does love-but not as it was.So--will I go & end it on MY terms--doubtful that I want to drive 4 hours, stay the pm & then drive 4 hours home the next day to work.I do know I will scream if he says "I understand" when I say I am not coming--he has no clue nor do I care to explain it to him.I just don't feel as if I even know who he is anymore & I do not care to hear about his life at home & how wherever he went this w-end his W. went--which he will say in the past she never did.Nor do I want to hear how she is putting her hand out to him & he is not receptive, he wants things to go back as they were-he goes his way she goes hers.Of course he will say what he thinks is best to tell me.If you are that unhappy--leave.If I was the greatest thing to ever be put in your life-show me those words are true-the same goes for I just want to go home with you & wake to you each day.Sure 'ya do!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
In reply to: sval36
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 9:12am

Thanks for expanding.

From an outsider's perspective, it looks as though you and MM have both put comfort & convenience higher on the priority list than each other. For whatever reasons, you haven't left and neither has he. Neither of you have actually put your money where your mouth is.

Work out what you want, Sval. In or out, however, it's hardly fair to ask MM to do all the leaping when you won't even leap out of your own comfort zone.

For what it's worth, whether ending the A is his choice/your choice/mutual choice, it doesn't matter much since either way you're dodging a bullet. This guy's really nothing special. Look at how he treats ALL the people he says he loves...

~LeFeen~

"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. " ~Anais Nin~
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
In reply to: sval36
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 3:27pm

i stammer and stutter..wonderin' how the hell you all who have to work with your xAP's continue on with work without losing it...i could NOT do it! (i suppose that is why i wouldnt do that in the first place..i know myself pretty well that way..I TOTALLY couldn't handle it well).

i never have advice for that situation...it pains me that i cannot even imagine it. I am a thank-god-i-can-sever-forever girl. Conflict resolution not my forte in this arena. :sigh:

::::::::Hugs anyway:::::::::::sigh my typin' fingers are tied on this.

Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2005
In reply to: sval36
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 9:47pm
I am sure I am not the first person to put comfort & convience above--I did not enter this with any thoughts of changing mine or his life--at all.Why does it only come down to leave your current situation or end the A.? I did not nor have I ever in any way expressed to him that I had thoughts of a future--they were always HIS words--not mine.I am a realist--not a dreamer. I have never thought he would leave his situation--will he now--who knows--I doubt at this point he knows which end is up.I have nmot iniated contact since his declaration of being unable to continue--twice-as recently as last Saturday.HE has called --he has come to where I work--all I have done is been civil-period. I have not implied it is not over--all I have done is listened to him.Will I o to where he is this week--as I said doubtful in that I am more at to let it go--far too much drama has happened & I am exhausted among other things.I cannot fivx his life--nor do I have any desire to hear how he has to 'check in' at home or whatever--I do not care about that situation--it is his responsibility to handle not mine. Has he said to his W that there is NC between he & I --who knows--why ask as I'll probably get an answer he thinks I want to hear.I will always love this man--no matter what has trasnspired I will always have very deep feelings for him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
In reply to: sval36
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 12:15am

sval,

when the dust settles, u will see that this man does not love u, does not love his wife and does not love himself

u cannot control what he does, u can only control yourself, so let me ask u what do expect to get from this affair, im not being harsh or anything but the endgame is not looking good

just my 2 cents, i hope u can find some constructive input from this board, there is a lot of insights to be gained here

pls take care and i hope u can find some peace and love within u,
max

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