Would you do it again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2005
Would you do it again?
5
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 8:46pm

Would you get involved in an A again?

My last A was my second, and I never felt guilt over it, perhaps because I felt my marriage of 20 years was over nearly a decade ago. Old story, we were keeping the marriage together for the kids.

However, something very odd happened after I ended this last A. My H plans a romantic weekend for just the two of us, he has NEVER done this before. Last time we were alone for more than two days was during our honeymoon 20 years ago. During this trip away, which he planned right now to the tickets for the theater and romantic little restaurants he springs the "I want to be the man you deserve. I know haven't been as attentive and loving as I should have been. It's taken me this long to realize what a beautiful, charming, intriguing wife I have." HUH? I wanted to check his finger prints. Now, I suppose I need to work at this M since he is trying. Though I do find it odd that suddenly he realizes what a "great wife" he had all along. So future A's probably aren't an option if I'm to work at this M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 9:14pm

I would rather have a root channal with a jack hammer then do that a third time.

Good luck you you and hubby, I have to say that if your willing to work on the marriage if hubby hangs in there might suggest in your heart of hearts you want a real marriage with your husband, many women that have affairs really wish they had the good stuff that they have at times with the AP with there husband.

GOOD LUCK

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 9:44pm

wow, may i ask what are your reasons and what do u get from the Affair ?

- i personally would not do it again, even if someone pay me or something, i am not emotionally strong i guess

second chances with H, sounds like a good idea

take care,

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2005
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 11:17pm

Pardon my french, but HELL NO would I do it again! Thank God I saw the light when I did
& stopped letting this man control my life & emotions. I mean at times he still does
have a hold on me, but I'm not letting that stop me from being happy or moving on.

Mjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2005
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 8:15am

Thanks Free.

I suppose I look at H trying to "be the man I should have" as a win, win situation for me. "If" he can be the kind loving husband he wasn't the past 15 years, while I'm still at home, it makes life easier for me. And "if" I can forgive him once and for all for failing to be a good husband, and things are rosey and we live happily everafter that is wonderful as well. But part of me really resents this. Now that HE is ready to be a grown up man and husband, he is ready to work at it.

Time will tell. I can only leave my heart and mind open and see what happens.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2005
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 8:28am

I suppose I was open to the A because I saw my marriage completely over. H would never meet me half way on anything...and I mean anything. Everything was some type of power struggle to him. Even my father's funeral he blew off because he had a business meeting out of town and would not reschedule it. As he so put it, "Your father is dead, he doesn't know if I'm there or not. This is work and it's important." When I said, "I need you there, to lean on physically and emotionally. Please reschedule, the clients will understand." And his oh so compassionate reply? "You need to suck it up and grow up, you knew he was sick, you should be grateful his suffering is over."

Sweet guy, no?

That is just one of many examples I could give you. In my mind, he never fulfilled our vows to "love, honor or cherish", so the deal was null and void to me. When the first MM came along, we were friends first, sharing similiar interests, he was kind and would call me daily, always interested in my daily routine, worried if I was stretching myself too thin, ask me to join him at various festivals, and art shows. Just a very kind, loving soul. H on the other hand was the polar opposite of him. This MM made me feel loved, desired and cherished. The 18 months with him was more like a marriage, than my actual marriage.