Would You Give Him Another Chance?
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| Sun, 02-27-2005 - 4:18pm |
My relationship with my MM just ended last night. For the first few months we were extremely happy. He moved out after his W said she didn't want him anymore. They had been having problems for years. Then after she found out the type of home she could have without him, which didn't meet her expectations since she didn't work, she decided she wanted him back. So for the last three months she has been doing everything in her power to win him back, including using the 2kids(teenagers), and throwing guilt at him, even though she was the one that wanted him out.
For the last three months he was confused. Felt like a failure. Said he was failing his kids by not being there for them. Said she was begging for another chance and she said everything would change. Everything including once again having sex with him after she had withheld it for years. He said he loved her, but was no longer in love with her, but he felt he owed her that one more chance because he would want her to give it to him.
So yesterday was our last day together. We both were emotional. I knew for him to have any piece of mind, he had to go and give it another shot. So we said our goodbyes and today I am heartbroken. I'm truly not sure that if things don't work out with her if I should give him another chance?

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NYblone,
GIVE YOURSELF another CHANCE, not him !!
just my opinion, take care of yourself, find someone who is single and that can be with you, someone who is not hinddered by all the baggage of a MM has
i know u are heartbroken and the whole world seems to be so dark and falling apart, time will heal and tell what u realy want
take care, dont forget to eat and not get sick, i know how it feels to be in your shoes
max
Ditto
Well said Max.
thanks max
I just sit and wonder what would have happened if I tried harder? And instead of saying no don't go back, stay with me and I'll help you through this.
I always tried to let him make all his own decisions. I listened to him for hours tell me all kinds of stories, and things about his family that would break my heart, but I wanted to be supportive. Now I wonder if there was something else I could have done instead of just letting him go back?
He told me, I'll call you Monday and see how you are. And he said don't worry, we can still see each other, but I need to go back. I have a feeling he's keeping me on the back burner now in case things don't work out.
He told me I treated him like a king. His W had him sleeping on the porch. I get so mad, so sad, I truly hope she treats him like crap again, and by the time he realizes she isn't going to change, that I will have moved on and I can rub that in his face for letting me go in the first place.
NYblonde,
its all talk now, actions speaks louder than words, he told u he slept in the couch, how do u know that it is realy the truth or is he just playing with your emotions, we will never know
TRY HARDER !!, i tell u , like u i treated OW like a princess/queen, i gave her all i got, i was head over heels for her and would do anything for her, but in the end its was just not enough i thought, i was not that it was not enough, OW never realy wanted to leave and be with me so no matter what i do, give 1000% it would still be not enough
they go back for thier own reason, whatever that reason may be, we have to accept it, it hurts coz they did not choose us when we think we had given them the best choice, it sounds so irrational for OM/MM/MW/OW to go back to thier old situation but in the end , they dont want to be with us, u have to realize in the end the we cannot for ourselves to another person, its not healthy, i know we all this crazy thoughts, some of us on this board are borderline stalking , in time it will go away
will they come back, im sure a number of them will come back, maybe to stroke their ego, sex, or whatever reason, do u want to go back ? unless u want to feel more pain theni guess u will let them in again
i know it sounds so romantic to trade a small moment in time to be happy and be miserable again, we dont have to do this, we can be happy for a longer period of time or maybe for our lifetime
sorry im ramblimg, i just ate lunch and im feeling pissed off at OW for some reason, she called me yesterday and made a comment that i sounded like i was bitter, heehehe , im not bitter, im upset and pissed off, i lost everything, i gave her all i got emotionally, who would not be upset, rejection is not good, im glad im angry at her, i just want to move on
take care, be upset, maybe it will help u to go forward with your life, there are so many men out there, good men that are looking for lifetime partners
max
Yep, I have to say that I would.
We just...well...he just broke things off....well...asked for "time" just a couple of days ago. So, I would give him another chance in less than a heartbeat. I haven't healed, I haven't accepted this yet.
My cell phone is right here by my side. As much as I want it to ring, it hasn't. If it did, I know I will answer it on the first ring! I wish I wouldn't.
I am hoping that his day is horrible. That she is a real bitch, even though right now she is doing EVERYTHING right. I'm sure. I want him to regret leaving me...I want to someday laugh in his face if he ever wants me back.
That most probably will never happen, but for now, it's all I have. I waited for him night and day. I was at his mercy when it came to time we could spend together. I changed MY plans for him. I didn't attend parties that I wanted to go to because he didn't want me to go. I lost HOURS and DAYS and WEEKS, sitting and waiting, sitting and waiting.
I hate myself right now. I feel so rejected and unwanted. I feel drained. I do NOT feel relieved like I should be. I feel weak and unloved. Completely alone. I wish there was some cure for this.
My answer to this question is a double sided blade. Would I give him another chance...for me that would have to say would I give us another chance. In a hearbeat. BUT...there won't be another chance. His decision was made, and Surive said this to me in another post...he was as close to leaving as he ever will be. No matter how regretful he becomes, no matter if he realized he made the biggest mistake of his life, no matter if he changes his mind...his decision was made.
It is over. Done. He is not leaving. It is time for you to move on and focus on regaining a healthy mental attitude. Time to figure out what you want to do with your life without him being a part of that decision.
The hope that they will come back is a difficult thing to let go of. For me it will be the last thing to go. But we have to keep reminding ourselves that this is an empty hope and the longer we dwell on it the longer we are preventing ourselves from moving on and being healthy.
It is ok to allow yourself the thought that you would give him another chance. Just realize that it ISN'T going to happen. Let yourself grieve, get angry, go through all those steps of "mourning" the relationship. Eventually you will wake up and realize that it is water under the bridge and you are free. I am definitely speaking as one who is in your shoes and is going through this same process. I'm nowhere near the other side but I am headed there.
Billie
Edited 2/27/2005 5:14 pm ET ET by buffalobillie
sexy,
there is a cure and its called YOU, we have to cure ourselves, grieve and move on, easy to say but hard to do
like u said, it has changed you life, u waited, now u can also change that, dont wait anymore, do things for yourself
this too shall pass, in time, we all can come back to this board and tell our success story, that willbe the day , a brand new day for all of us
max
Hi Billie, thanks for your thoughts. I just read your other post, where you said,
"He went on to say that he didn't know if he had it in him to stay, but he felt he had to try. He said that he knows he loves me more than life, that we are perfect together, but that he needs inner peace. That he can't walk away from his M and life without "really" trying. That means working on the M and seeing if he can stay and be happy. He said if the kids really took a D badly and things went terribly he would always wonder if he should have tried. He said it wasn't fair to them or to me until he did. He said that if he tried and couldn't do it he would leave. He understood that I might have moved on by then and he will have thrown away the best thing he had in his life and would be alone. But despite the risk he needed to do this."
Almost those exact words could have been said by my MM over the last couple months. Exactly, and that is frightening. Yet at the same time helps prove to me that I'm not the only one going through this, and more than likely things won't turn out like I hope they would.
He told me just yesterday that he had to go back to give it another shot, then today he sent me a text message telling me how sad he was and how his heart was hurting, but that we would know in a little bit of time if his W was going to change like she promised.So he's already throwing out those false hopes to me so I won't begin looking for anyone too quickly.
My friends at work said that he would honestly know if his wife was going to change within a few weeks of him moving back in. So my goal is to give him four weeks, and only 4 weeks. If he can't move back out and file divorce papers within that amount of time, then I will tell him it's over. But in the meantime I'm preparing myself for the worst and going to pull away and contact will be extremely limited. That's my goal. Then if he doesn't leave, he is on his own. I will hopefully no longer be his crutch and confidant who he tells his sad stories to. I don't know, I hope that's the right thing to do. That would be his second and last chance.
NyBlonde,
my OW woman told me the same thing but she choose to stay with her current situation, who can u be perfect for each other but he cannot leave, yes OW also has a daughter and she told me she is staying for the kid, standard answer if i may say so, kids can tell if parents dont get along so what would that do to the kids emotionally, is it better to stay with M and kids and be miserable , or is it better to leave, get a D and kid will be miserable, its hard choice for anyone
sometimes i just put myself in her shoes, maybe i would do the same thing, but this is beside the point, we have to move on and be happy with our own lives, they made thier choice, i know its hard for us to comprehend but its their choice so now we have to make our own
hard as it may seem, we have to, or else we will be stuck in this situation until we can tell ourselves its enough or we suffer a nervous breakdown
i have to admit i would come back to OW , same status quo, just seeing her on the side like an affair but them more i think of it the more i say that it is not healthy
so its all up to us, what would it be ???
max
if i can only do half of what i say now , i would be in a better place
Hey NY,
I understand completely where you are coming from and what you are trying to do. My only advise would be to procede as if he made the decision to stay with his W a PERMANENT one. I understand setting a timeline of sorts to allow him to work things out. But I can almost guarantee that this will just be 4 more weeks of limbo and agony for you. Four more weeks of giving your all to a R that most likely will never reach fruition.
As hard as it is, especially since your situation sounds much like mine in the fact that you and MM feel destined to be together, you need to assume it is over. Start the grieving and healing process.
And if he does come back to you, whether it be in 4 days, 4 weeks or 4 years, you will hopefully be in a much healthier spot mentally. You will be able to decide whether to procede or not based on your own alone time and your own introspection.
Easy for me to say, huh?! I am in that same place now too. He has not said to me that he wants me to wait but I struggle with doing just that because I want this so badly. But each day I get a tiny bit closer to closure and although it is minute, my spirit is lifting. Do I find myself spiraling on a dime? YES. I was in the grocery store yesterday and walked by the meat counter. I saw the fresh shrimp, rememberd a wonderful shrimp dinner he made for me not too long ago and started bawling like a baby. Couldn't stop. Right in the middle of the store. But I let it run its course, dealt with it and moved on.
It would really be wonderful if in the end our MM would come running to us. And maybe some do, although I think it is rare. We don't want to be second choice. We don't want them to run to us because W found out and booted him or because his W wouldn't "change." We want them to run to us because they love us unconditionally and need to be there. If that happens I would be extremely happy for you. But please, guard your heart right now and if that doesn't happen you will be a little better prepared to deal with it.
Just my experience, but I think it rings true for many.
Billie
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