Wouldn't do it again? Don't be so sure.
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 01-04-2005 - 11:26am |
I read on another thread where someone said that they'll never have another A again. Maybe you won't, but don't be so sure.
I had said for the first 15 years of my marriage "I would NEVER cheat on my H, ever!..people that do that are scum", etc.. Well, I did. Then after getting my heart broken into what I thought were irrepairable peices, I said "never again!".
Well I am here to say, not only did I break my first rule, but I broke my second, and went on to have another A, which was more intense and alot longer than the first. And where did that one get me? Right here on this board, heartbroken once again.
I think once you cross the line, it makes it easier to do it again. Even though the memory of that pain was still fresh in my mind, I went and let it happen again. I knew the signs, I knew I should have ran when I felt those feeling happening for this man, but I didn't.
And I know what you're thinking at this point...get therapy! I tried that, and the woman tried to blame my H for everything that I did wrong. I won't put the blame on no one else but myself. My H has always been a wonderful, loving man whom I trust completely. I tried to find another therapist, but haven't been successful.
My point is, be careful, because once you get over the initial pain of losing your AP, you are more at risk to repeat it should another interesting person enter your life. I really believe once that line is crossed, you are more vulnerable to repeat it. I know many of you are shaking your heads right now saying no way in hell would I put myself through this again. I used to be one of those people too.

Pages
Pup -
Thank you for having the strength and courage to start this thread! Actually, one of the reasons I started T was to make sure I DIDN'T do this again! I think you are right in the fact that having an A makes the second one easier. You have been down that road - you already know all the ways to lie and cheat. It sounds sick and wrong, but I knew if I didn't get therapy, I would end up back here posting about xOM #2!
<<>>
About a month before I met xOM, my H & I found out that his cousin's H was having an affair. I remember saying, "What a creep! What kind of person cheats on their spouse ESPECIALLY after a year of marriage??" I remember thinking how glad I was that he wasn't in our wedding party (long story) because I wouldn't want to look at his face after what he did. xOM and I had our first kiss the day after my 1 year anniversary....suddenly I had become 'that kind of person'...and suddenly when I looked at my wedding pictures, I had to see myself, standing there in that white dress, knowing what I had done to my marriage (even though my H doesn't know about the A).
Thanks for posting!! Makes me glad I have a session w/ T today!!
Diva
Pup,
I too thought that people who cheated were scum. My Dad cheated on my Mom and to of my siblings cheated on their spouses and I clearly remember what heartache they went through and I remember thinking what jerks they were.
But 15 years into my marriage I was feeling empty and my xmm was at the right place at the right time to fill that void that I was feeling. I couldnt believe that I was carrying on a tradition in my family that had started many years before with my father. But honestly I didnt give a care, I was getting really good at lying and even went into public places with xmm and had lunch when I knew that at any time anyone I knew could of walked in (we live in a somewhat small community)
I to this day think that H had an idea, cause he kept asking questions about my whereabouts and xmm. But I denied, denied, denied it all. I will take it to the grave with me.
But looking back I was acting so careless and reckless of myself and my families feelings that I know that I cant ever repeat that behavior again, nor can I go through the pain of a break-up. There is no owners manual when you take on an affair, noone tells you that the emotions of affairs are so escalated. I know that I'm not in it alone because this board helps me heal on a daily basis. I do know for now at this point in time I will not have another affair.
On the go chick
I agree with Diva. Thanks for starting this thread.
Before I had my A., I was downright scornful of anyone who did that type of thing. In fact, shortly before I got married, I learned that my future mother-in-law had broken up her family to be with her affair partner. I swore I would never put my darling H. through that kind of torture and pain. He'd already endured it once, right?
I'm starting therapy soon. I need to know why I would allowed this to happen because when I say, NEVER again, I want to mean it.
I also need to do some serious soul searching and learn more about myself. I always considered myself a strong, independent person. After willingly letting my xMM walk all over me, I want to know where that strong, independent person went.
I've also started noticing my behavior a lot more. I am a die-hard flirt. I like guys, always have, always will. There is a guy at my work who has made overture comments that before my A, I would have blown off as harmless flirting. With my post-A eyes, I see what he's angling for and NO WAY!
At least I can now use this new self-awareness to keep my self in check.
Thanks for the note, Pup. I hope to be in the class that has learned their lesson. Shel
I can only hope that I've learned my lesson this time. I really do want to see a therapist, because like you, I enjoy the attention of men. I think that is a huge part of this for me..having to feel validated because a man other than my H, finds me attractive.
I'm trying to re-work my own mind to see that as "how nice, he thinks I'm hot, well he can desire me from afar and fantasize about me, but I don't need to turn that into reality for it to be exciting". Sounds good in print anyway.
The other part is the what if's, the wondering what HE would be like and how far it could go between you. Sometimes we don't regret what we've DONE as much as regretting what we haven't done. I don't regret either A. I've learned from them, but in some ways, I'm even more jaded about love and men than I was before.
I also want to add, the XMM#2, knew about XMM#1, and he knew how hard that breakup was on me. I will always wonder if he took me for an easy mark because I had done it before and was feeling an emptiness. I don't want to feel taken advantage of, because the way I see it, we all get from the A what WE need. I knew what was happening between me and him..but I wanted it so much, even though I KNEW neither one of us would leave our spouses, therefore, there would have to be an end, and it would hurt bad because even though we did have sex, it was more of an emotional affair. Knowing the pain I'd feel when it ended didn't stop me, I did it anyway. I'd love to see a T figure that one out.
Shel & Pup,
Man, we are all so much alike!! I have serious abandonment issues from childhood w/ my father. I am an actress and only child and crave the limelight! I love to be the center of attention - and it's even better when that attention is from a man. I'm a huge flirt too! xOM made me the center of his world. I was the only thing that mattered in his life, and I loved that. Everything revolved around seeing me, talking to me, spending time with me, etc. I loved that I had that (and this is going to sound totally narcissistic) power over him. It was even better the day he told me he loved me and wanted to marry me (he had never felt that way about anyone before). How special did I think I was??? I think that has been the hardest thing for me to get over - feeling that somehow, I'm not special anymore.
I'm in T now and am trying to find ways to validate myself - without having/wanting/needing someone else do it for me.
Diva
So much alike indeed!
Diva: "I think that has been the hardest thing for me to get over - feeling that somehow, I'm not special anymore"
I couldn't have expressed it better myself. I didn't mention before that a HUGE issue between XMM and me was his increasing attention to another woman in our social circle. It's definately a mutual thing, as I've been watching the way she reacts to seeing him.
Yes, I loved loving him. But a major part of this for me was the way he made me feel special, that there was no other woman that could possibly get his attention like I had, and when I saw that towards someone else (and of course he said I was imagining things), then the most important part of the A was gone for me.
When all of us come here and talk it thru, we keep finding alot of similarities in our situations. Really makes ya think.
I'm the one -- or one of the ones -- who said she would never have an affair again. And I don't think I will because, for one thing, I think I am older than most of you on the board.
I was married for 22.5 years -- and had a 9-year affair the last nine years of my marriage. I ended my marriage AND ended my affair. One year into 'singleness' I had a 2-year relationship with a man that I really didn't love (and vice versa) but we were good friends. A year after we broke up I married my second husband (we met and married within 3.5 months -- BIG mistake -- I thought we were soul mates and he was looking for someone to support him and his minor son of whom he had custody). Less than two years out of the second marriage (and I really did love my second husband very much but he was more abusive than my first husband), I was into this 3-year affair.
BTW, I saw a therapist during the last three years of my first marriage, after my second divorce, during my 2-year relationship AND during this recent affair. The same therapist, who tried to explain to me that I kept 'marrying my emotionally distant father.' My dad worked two jobs to get out of the house -- I never saw him. I think she's right. I am not sure I will ever heal up. Oh well. So what.
The reason I won't have another affair is because I don't want to. There are things that I want to do with my life, and I'm doing them now and will continue to do them because they bring me a lot of joy and self-satisfaction.
It was a rough holiday season -- I really do need to remember not to break up with someone right before the holidays :-) -- but I really am all right. Most days I am just fine. He is e-mailing me now once a day (it seems). I am deleting his e-mails without opening them. And I really, really loved him. I still do. I always will. And that's all right.
On my better days, and I have more of them than not, I remember that people who have affairs are not scum. Not the men who cheated on their wives, not the single men who cheated with the MW on this board, not the MW on this board who cheated on their husbands, and not the OW on this board who slept with MM. And that includes me. We are lonely. We are bored. We are scared -- in case you haven't read the newspapers lately or watched the TV news, this world has become a most scary place. We need attention. Our skin is hungry for loving touch (not necessarily sex, but 'cuddling'. (I had a woman massage therapist once who was such a peaceful person herself than when she touched you she imparted some of her peace. The first time she touched me -- MOST APPROPRIATELY -- I started crying, because I could feel the care and the peace in her.) Whether we know it or not, our minds are hungry for learning. And, most of all, our spirits are lonely for whatever God we have chosen (because as far as I'm concerned, it's the same God -- we just belief and/or worship differently), and I think we find God most when we help others who are less fortunate, tend to our minor children, and take good care of ourselves. (I certainly haven't found Him in a lot of worship services over the years.)
I really believe that if we keep our minds alive (go back to school?), find out -- honestly -- if our marriages can be repaired and/or fulfilling (it's scary to get a divorce at any age so a lot of people stay married rather than step out of a bad relationship), do some volunteer work, get involved in our children's lives (if they are still in grade school or high school), do some Yoga, run in the early morning, learn how to meditate, walk on the beach at sunrise -- there is so much that we can do to take care of ourselves and we simply don't do it. If we took better care of ourselves and were more 'alive' and in love with life -- we might be more appealing to our husbands (if we are married) or to available single men (if we're not married).
I took a motorcycle course almost two years ago because my XMM loves bike riding -- and I love it! I was getting ready to jump from an airplane (yes, with a parachute) when I started having problems with my one ankle. I went back to school and got my AA degree. I am finishing my Microsoft Office Certification. I am ready to go back to the University to become a Hospital Chaplain. As soon as this ankle heals -- AGAIN -- I'm back in my Yoga class. And I'm going to jump.
Love -- real love -- is what happens to us when we're 'out there' loving ourselves, loving others and loving life. I know only a few people who have found real love by looking for it.
And so that's why I don't think I'll have another affair. I've 'been there, done that,' and I know it doesn't work. I am not beating myself up for having not exactly had a lot of ethics over the course of my life, and I'm trying not to beat up men (who I usually adore -- just not at the holidays right after breaking up with XMM). I am in love with life, and I'm enjoying it very much.
I also know that marriage is no picnic. It's hard work a lot of the time, to keep the romance alive. I'm not sure I want to do THAT kind of hard work. That's one of the reasons why MW and MM have affairs! Affairs don't take a lot of work and affairs are not with the same person you've been sleeping with for years. Our XOM/XMM is new. He's exciting. Bit if you marry him, in 3-10 years (more or less) you'll feel the same way about him the way you do about your DH now.
Find other things to do with our lives. Find things to do with your husband. Take up football! For those of us who are single -- go back to school! Do some volunteer work! If you just go to work and come home to sit in front of the TV -- that's not living. Amd that's when we're just begging for trouble. Get a pet. Get a life. What we don't realize is that in a lot of ways we are drama junkies.
Ok, so kick me off the board. I got carried away.
Bella, that's a healthy point of view, and I thank you for posting your thoughts.
"if you marry him, in 3-10 years (more or less) you'll feel the same way about him the way you do about your DH now."
I've always known that, and neither of us expected the other person to leave their spouse, we just were in it for the here and now. I knew it would end someday, but he was thinking we could have a life long A and always be in each others lives. Even though we've been broken up for the past 6 months or so, we've held onto some communication between us (because of mutual friends) and I thought I could deal with him just being my friend...that's clearly not working either.
Anyway, my intention of this thread was not to say that all of you are destined to repeat the same mistake..I'm simply saying that unless you resolve what it is within yourself that led you to cheat in the first place, you WILL have an easier time going down the same path should the opportunity present itself in the future.
No, we're not scum. But until we found ourselves having an A ourselves, admit it..we always viewed those that were cheating as very dispicable people "how could they!". Now we all see HOW and WHY it happens. And I'm proof that you can have a good marriage with a loving faithful husband who adores me and tells me he loves me and how sexy I am all the time..yet I found myself in two very emotional affairs anyway.
Bella, I liked the suggestions you gave to help find ourselves again. I am looking for ways to put my new found time to good use. I used to spend every evening chatting online with XMM, and now I just sit in front of the tv zoning out. I want to start taking some evening fitness classes to get me out of the house and away from the computer (i.e. the temptation to talk to him again).
Right now, I'm going through a very sad, lonely stage and that is a dangerous place to be. I hesitate to call my A's mistakes, but I DO NOT wish to repeat my actions a 3rd time. I need self-confidence, I need to believe I am still sexy and men are still attracted to me even though I'm over 40, but I need to believe that WITHOUT having an A!
I know what I need..I just don't know how to get it.
Bella,
I read your post about half an hour ago and have just now stopped crying enough to be able to see the computer screen.
<<>>etc...
I can't thank you enough for writing these words (this entire paragraph was so touching to me). I'd write more, but I think I'm going to start crying again!!
Diva
Excellent post! With or without therapy, I’ve learned a lot about myself during the past three years. And I’ve learned even more from the posters on this board.
I am an attention junky. I like attention, especially male – and that certainly includes from my husband.
I also have a tendency for drama. With my xMM it was all about excitement, sexual tension, the chase. Then when I let him catch me – it became all about guilt, desire to be together but unwillingness to leave spouses, breaking up and getting back together. So after he left, I had this huge void of basically time. I didn’t know how to fill my time without sneaking to my e-mail, sneaking online, sneaking cell phone calls, arranging lunch dates (lunch sex!) and wondering when all this sneaking was going to take place.
Instead, I filled the time with missing him. I’m not doing that anymore. That’s one of the biggest hurdles, in my opinion, for getting over an affair – wasting time missing him. You have to fill that time.
I enrolled my son in Gymboree, started going to a women’s Bible study class, began taking a Pilates class and renewed my gym membership. Next fall, I’m going to finish my Masters.
I also started straying from this board. Sometimes, especially when new posters come on, I get wrapped up in their drama. I feel their pain, and it’s so fresh for them, my heart just breaks for them. But, sometime it only serves as a reminder of my pain. I wish no one else ever had to feel that kind of heartbreak.
I’m not completely ready to make the break, because I still have longings and I need your advice to keep my in place. But I feel like I’m starting to heal, and finding ways to fill my time has really helped speed that along.
Pages