Wouldn't do it again? Don't be so sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Wouldn't do it again? Don't be so sure.
13
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 11:26am


I read on another thread where someone said that they'll never have another A again. Maybe you won't, but don't be so sure.

I had said for the first 15 years of my marriage "I would NEVER cheat on my H, ever!..people that do that are scum", etc.. Well, I did. Then after getting my heart broken into what I thought were irrepairable peices, I said "never again!".

Well I am here to say, not only did I break my first rule, but I broke my second, and went on to have another A, which was more intense and alot longer than the first. And where did that one get me? Right here on this board, heartbroken once again.

I think once you cross the line, it makes it easier to do it again. Even though the memory of that pain was still fresh in my mind, I went and let it happen again. I knew the signs, I knew I should have ran when I felt those feeling happening for this man, but I didn't.

And I know what you're thinking at this point...get therapy! I tried that, and the woman tried to blame my H for everything that I did wrong. I won't put the blame on no one else but myself. My H has always been a wonderful, loving man whom I trust completely. I tried to find another therapist, but haven't been successful.

My point is, be careful, because once you get over the initial pain of losing your AP, you are more at risk to repeat it should another interesting person enter your life. I really believe once that line is crossed, you are more vulnerable to repeat it. I know many of you are shaking your heads right now saying no way in hell would I put myself through this again. I used to be one of those people too.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 4:24pm

Shel -

I swear we were sisters in a past life :-)

<<

Instead, I filled the time with missing him. I’m not doing that anymore. That’s one of the biggest hurdles, in my opinion, for getting over an affair – wasting time missing him. You have to fill that time.>>>

I could have written these exact words myself! I now, have thrown myself into work. xOM & I use to work down the street from each other, so my work days were filled with emails, phone calls, Starbucks meetings and lunches with him. Now I focus on actually doing my job. :-)

I also have signed up for a Pilates class that starts at the end of January and have recently started volunteering at a local animal shelter.

Diva




Edited 1/5/2005 5:18 pm ET ET by actressdiva
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 4:43pm

Shel,
Thanks for wrapping me up in one page.
<<<>>>>
This is the main reason i had an affair.
Also <<<>>>>
It is funny but I still catch myself checking my email with that little bit of hope that he will have written me about where and when we can hook up. It's the thrill of the sneaking that really does leave a void.
I also can agree with getting wrapped up in other peoples drama. I was commenting about that to my closest friend the other day about this board. But, it really did help me through my toughest amount of getting over him. And it totally opened my eyes to myself and my tendancies more than anything else.
I am so excited whenever I read things like what you posted and how you are getting on with your life (gymboree, bible classes, pilates) I am also really getting my sh*t together in 2005. I realized how many destructive habits I picked up in the aftermath of the affair. I had quit smoking for 3 years and managed to pick that up again and I have been drinking pretty heavily. So I am over the destructive self medicating and onto a new better me in 2005.
Thanks again for your post!
~Nuttmeg

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 4:57pm

<<<>>>>

Yup, ditto for me too. I would go to the gym at lunch on days he didn't call me to get together, so now I go everyday. Which is great for several reasons, gets me in better shape, and I also don't spend my morning wondering if he will be able to fit me in for lunch, then getting pissed that he didn't call or can't make it, etc.

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