Wow, am I dreaming?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Wow, am I dreaming?
7
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 8:51pm
Okay I've decided to post... ya know how something can happen and you might feel like if you talk about it you might jinx yourself? Or if you admit to how you are feeling and then say feelings change - you've just made a big fool of yourself? Well... that's where I sit right now! Let me back up! :)

For those of you that haven't read my couple of posts - I was involved with a MM for about a year when it all ended this past April. So since April I've gone through what I consider hell! I went through not believing it was over and trying to contact him to see if he'd give in. Although I knew he still cared for me - he'd apparently come to a conclusion and was gonna stand by it - he's always had more will power than me! I was angry and hurt and I wrote letters upon letters some I wouldn't send him and some I did - only to not hear from him in return! and then finally it hit me... this was for real and his "this is the way it has to be" started to sink in... I withdrew from everything in my life and grieved.

It's now been 4 months with very little contact but I've not seen him or had an resemblence of a relationship with him since April (just a few emotional phone conversations). Lately... the last few weeks - I've become annoyed with how much it has been affecting me. Knowing he has his whole life and family to focus on and I'm just... ALONE! I was tired of missing him and wanted so badly to figure out how to get over this... and yet I couldn't help wishing someway somehow things would get back to the way they use to be!

Tuesday night I was down and out... headed home from work I couldn't even listen to the radio cause I knew it would make me cry - I thought about MM and memories we'd made, things that were said and the way things were and I just hurt... it felt like my heart was turned inside out! I came home and was prepared to head to bed early. I was just checking email and stuff when my cell rang... it was on the counter and I didn't feel like getting up - but when I did... I found the call I'd missed was HIM!!!!!!!!!!

I proceeded to call him back only to find he was headed out of town - we started talking and within 5 minutes he said he wanted to see me and asked if I'd meet him for the night! I was in SHOCK! We went on to talk for about 10 minutes - I was asking him questions mostly about his feelings for me and what had happened and I was emotional and when he said "are you gonna meet me" I didn't know what I wanted to say! Finally after a little more intimite conversation he said something that I really believe made EVERYTHING clear for me! When he asked me again if he should stop so I could meet him - or if he should keep driving. I made my decision... he should keep driving!

I know this is getting long and I apologize - I'll try to finish up here...

Although I miss him and KNOW I'll always love him and wonder what could have been - I've felt the most AMAZING sense of relief these last two days and I PRAY it continues. I'm so afraid of falling back into that sadness cause I'm READY for it to be over! I'm ready to move on! And I saw H2H post something about going through all the stages and I REALLY feel like I've gone through EACH of them... of course it feels like Depression lasted the longest - but I can remember ALL of them!

Shock, Denial, Hurt, Anger, Confusion, Depression, and Healing

I guess I just wanted you all to hear my story and I hope I don't find myself here in a week or two posting about how much I miss him and WISH I would have taken advantage of the opportunity I had but SO many things became clear to me at that moment that I don't think I'm gonna change my mind about (obviously this is long enough so I won't go into them! :p) And I really think it required a certain amount of time to pass before I could see those things - because had this situation presented itself a month or maybe even two weeks ago... my decision might have been different. But bottom line is... I made the decision not to go... I did it FOR ME... and so far it feels RIGHT!


Edited 8/26/2004 9:02 pm ET ET by ldesma

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 9:31pm
ldesma

Enjoy your day, don't worry about tomorrow or next week live the day.

Your taking you first peek out of the end of that long tunnel.

Well Done

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 9:52pm
that is incredible & wonderful news!! you should feel so proud of yourself!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 9:55pm
Idesma

Congratulations for hanging tough!! The sense of power and control you feel can only serve to keep you grounded and headed in the right direction. You've undoubtedly found that your feelings for your MM have changed, or are beginning to. Once this happens, I don't think that there will be a struggle with this issue anymore. The shine is off the penny so to speak. You deserve better than a "booty" call. If he truly cared for you he wouldn't try to rope you in again. Be proud of what you just did - lots of us are still stuggling with what OUR answers would have been.

Cheers, ggirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 10:54pm
WOOO HOOO!!! I am sooo proud of you honey!!! I am proud of the decision you made, it shows that you are growing and finding strength. I am even more so happy that if even for today, you were happy with your own decision. It takes alot of courage to tell them no. That isnt something that is EVER easy to say to someone that we love. But you said no, and that shows exMM that you are very strong, and that you do not need his every so often "meetings".

If in a day or two, or a week or two you arent as strong as you were this time, it is OK. It is very normal to feel good about it today and tomorrow start to feel weak again. But with each time that you feel weak, you will also get angry with yourself for your weakness thus causing you to become stronger.. Make sense? Example: If my exOM calls me tomorrow and I have a moment of weakness with him, then I will be so angry for becoming weak that the next time he calls I will have only gotten stronger. Meaning that with eahc phone call I am only gaining strength. With Anger comes strength!!

I am also so happy that you finally decided to post and open up with how things are going with you. Sometimes it is hard to admit what we are going through for the simple fact that we dont want to be the people that these A's have turned us into. And sometimes if we dont openly discuss things with people, then we dont have to face life for how it really is.

Again, I am so proud of you, you keep on working hard to build your strength, and each time he calls for a meeting, it will be easier to tell him no. Like the other post said, day by day, moment by moment... you will get there. You are now beginning to heal and it is the best feeling!! :)

All of my support, hugs and love,

H2H

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 2:06pm
Idesma,

That is really great news! HOORAY!

You mentioned that you are worried that you might (next week or later) feel you'd missed this "opportunity" to be with him. I know how you feel, that when MM's got a window of time and wants to see you, it is an "opportunity." But maybe we are all thinking about it backwards.

After instituting NC, I worried a little about what would happen in a couple of months when my exMM and I both attend the same business conference in Miami for a week. He'll certainly want to see me alone while we're there, and I worried that I couldn't be strong enough to pass up the opportunity. But that's when it hit me: exMM and I work in the same city. We live in the same city. All year long. So what's so special about that particular week in Miami? If he wants to declare his undying love and choose me over his DW, why can't he call the week before the conference? A month before? At any time, really, other than that particular week in Miami? Well, he can. I would be reachable.

But he won't do that. Instead, he will pick that particular week in Miami because to exMM, it looks like an opportunity--a narrow window of availability. Not MY availability, HIS availability. And why? Because he's not going to declare his undying love and choose me over his DW. He's not going to be with me, decide I'm fabulous, and stay with me. He's going to be with me, and then return to his fabulous wife.

And that means: he's not offering a week of love and happiness in his arms. He's offering a return trip to depression and limbo land, one week deferred.

So don't think of it as a missed opportunity for you. If he wants to be with YOU--JUST YOU--he can call you anytime as soon as his divorce is final. Right? There is no urgency about that. No rush. Nothing special about that particular night when he called you, other than the fact that he intended to return to his wife at the end of it. He wasn't offering you love and happiness. He was offering you a trip back to Square One.

Good for you that you didn't take it! It would NOT have been a good bargain!

love,

Grace

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 4:57pm
Thanks ya all! :) All very encouraging replies! :)

I don't know WHY - but I made it 4 days... then last night I started getting all emotional about him... and it's carried into today! :( Not like crying or anything - just bittersweet feelings of missing him - I still don't regret turning him down but I keep wishing he cared to have more of a "relationship" with me and not just call me up every few weeks for a quick little overnight! We never had the "emailing" constant communcation thing - we'd always go days without talking... and as I hear so many other stories I realize how uncommon that is... so many of you had deeper day to day connections than exMM and I had... we DID have an emotional and mental affair but it was just contained to our moments together where we'd try to fit it all in! :(

Anyway... I was just thinking how I miss making memories with him... just as this past Tuesday night would have been time together I don't feel like it would have been an "experience" cause it would have felt rushed... etc. anyway... enough of my sorrows... I gotta get my strength back for the week ahead... sometimes sitting at work with that *email* so accessible I get weak... gotta stay strong! :)

Thanks to ALL who replied - I really appreciate your encouraging words! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 6:09pm
ldesma

Hon your just going through a bit of withdrawals, get busy and it will pass, when it happens find something to do that will keep you away from the phone and computer tell it passes.

If you do not cave in they urges and ache will lesson in time, but if you break no contact you will find yourself right back at square one again, and you have spent enough time there.

Be strong be true to you.

Peace

Free