wrestling with obsessive thinking

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2011
wrestling with obsessive thinking
7
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 10:52am

Hello everyone, 

Well it has been 5 months NC now and over a year since I last saw XAP. The searing pain and hurt has gone, thankfully to be replaced with some discomfort when I think about him. I'll take discomfort over agony any day! But I am still thinking of him and that's the problem. Especially at night, beofre sleep, I replay this scenario or that, have angry conversations with him in my head, or remember things we did... comes at me during the day too. I just want it to stop.

I do the 'STOP' (YELLING - not out loud!) thing and I try to refocus my mind onto myself or other things but it just seems to keep coming at me.  And as a result I just feel like I have not let go, I want to let go, why cant I? It's like after all this time I still cannot accept it even though my logic mind fully knows, my emotional mind still clings on and it seems to fill up the void I cant face when I am finally 'clear'... yet I long to be 'clear'...

Any thoughts you wise women (and men)? 

Coco x x x

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 12:17pm

Afternoon Coco :smileyhappy:

Shutting off the mind...where's that damn shutoff switch?  

I found it help to avoid anything JAM related at least one hour before heading off to bed.  Shutting down EAS, putting down any self-help books...just shutting down anything JAM related.  Turn rather to a funny movie or a light and breezy book,, chat with a good friend...just doing activities totally unrelated.

I also used tapes...nature tapes like being in a tropical jungle.  Well one night while listening to it...just as I was drifting off...an alligator roared...scared the crap out of me...I thought it was right next to me.

But I also used the tape (by an Eastern Indian Yogi), and if you are interested, I'll try to dig it out...only if you are really interested because it'll take a while to find it, but I'll do it for you.  I had a real problem too, with obsessive, around and around and around 24/7 thinking about JAM and some of the phrases you had to learn were hard and took all my concentration...and so it helped a lot to concentrate on that...and before I knew it, less concentration on JAM and more concentration on that.  But the basic mantra was easy and could be incorporated at any time during the day because it worked saying it out loud and to yourself.  Ultimately, this is what helped me the most with obsessive thinking.  

Let me know

((hugs))

Clarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 1:58pm
Hi Coco,

So sorry that you are still struggling with obsessive thoughts. The problem with these thoughts is that your are still "involved" with xap. Your mind/heart are not in sync yet. Delve deep within and look for what is missing. This could range from a spectrum of different issues and/or lack of a basic understanding and acceptance of __________. The blank is unique for each of us and where we are in our growth. What is the unfinished business you are harboring? Why are you afraid to "let him go"? Oh the questions are unlimited...and that is the groovy part of "growing" and becoming our best selves. We are like a "human-puzzle" in the making. We need to keep searching for the elusive puzzle piece in order for the "picture" to come to fruition.

Initially, truth be known, I did not believe that there was anything wrong with having an affair as long as it was "quiet" and between myself and the xap. After a long year on this board I now think differently. My values have really been elevated in the past year.

In February of this year was my turning point: I finally came to understand WHY I should not have an A. This was the "light-bulb" moment for me. I cut ALL contact with xap and am very solid and happy with my decision. It wasn't until this point that I was able to "cut" the obsessive thoughts of xap. I was DONE.

Understanding why we need to "hold" on to the xap through our "thoughts and feelings" keeps us engaged and we can not move forward. Maybe reading through the HL may help.

Forge forward my friend, you can change how you think......when YOU are ready. The choice is always yours and it is what gives you your power.

((((hugs)))))
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 2:02pm

Hi Coco - we are on the same darn bus ride I see, but I have had some small successes with the evil bedtime ritual that I can pass on. I found that my emotional mind is my worst enemy when it is not busy, so I tried to fill it with slow, deliberate tasks. I would think of a topic, say, things in a hardware store, then plod through the alphabet one letter at a time, naming objects beginning with each letter. if x AP crept in I made myself start over!! It was so mind-numbing that some nights I would just fall asleep at the letter H (which is hammer , by the way...) and be delighted to wake up later or in the morning and realize I had actually done it -

Anyway, it's a bit silly, but it's another thing in our arsenal - and I did like the fact that it was invisible and portable!

I hope you get some relief soon, once the habit is broken it starts to lose some of its strength, just like NC halted new insults, so will going NC with your memories. I say this, yet have a long way to go myself. 

 XO Daisy

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 2:20pm

Daisy

You crack me up.

I just had to laugh.  I totally forgot...'til you reminded me...that I did the exact same thing.  I went through the alphabet of things for which I was grateful.  At the time, it was a struggle and I'd fall asleep in the middle of wracking my brain.

I laughed too at your 'h' for hammer.  Was it coming down on anyone in particular? :smileyvery-happy:

Clarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2011
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 2:33am

Thank you ladies so much for your answers, Clarity all I can think is Woah, that aligator was brave! I wouldnt dare attempt to wake up a sleepng Clarity, like waking a lioness from her slumbers...YIKES! 

Now I have downloaded a lovely nighttime meditation thing which you can listen to to send you to sleep and it guides you through some lovely visualisations (a lot of walking down steps and the sounds of the sea) so that is what I am going to be trying for the time being.  I might leave the hardware store for the time being... what if I got all the way to Z? It woudl kepe me awake trying to figure that one out. 

(Self Esteem Booster (Night Time Recording) 1:12:36 Erick Brown Hypnosis Self Esteem & Confidence Booster Self Hypnosis)

Progression thank you for reminding me what I needed to be reminded of, it is a PROCESS and I am getting there. I get so frustrated with myself for being done by now and then give up hope that it will ever be done. 

Hugs and love 

Coco x x x

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2011
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 2:35am

Thank you ladies so much for your answers, Clarity all I can think is Woah, that aligator was brave! I wouldnt dare attempt to wake up a sleepng Clarity, like waking a lioness from her slumbers...YIKES! 

Now I have downloaded a lovely nighttime meditation thing which you can listen to to send you to sleep and it guides you through some lovely visualisations (a lot of walking down steps and the sounds of the sea) so that is what I am going to be trying for the time being.  I might leave the hardware store for the time being... what if I got all the way to Z? It woudl kepe me awake trying to figure that one out. 

(Self Esteem Booster (Night Time Recording) 1:12:36 Erick Brown Hypnosis Self Esteem & Confidence Booster Self Hypnosis)

Progression thank you for reminding me what I needed to be reminded of, it is a PROCESS and I am getting there. I get so frustrated with myself for being done by now and then give up hope that it will ever be done. 

Hugs and love 

Coco x x x



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2011
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 2:36am

oops, well it was worth saying twice...:smileyhappy: