WS needs time to break off EMA

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2005
WS needs time to break off EMA
9
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 5:30pm

Can I get your opinion on my WH? We've been married 8 years. In Feb I found out about his affair that at the time was about 1 month in progress. He was so sorry and asked me to not divorce him but to work on the marriage. I did - we got counseling and she said he has to cut all ties with OW. He said he was confused and will try to but he hasn't yet. He's asked me to be patient while he cuts off ties to her slowly. He said a quick cut would be too hard and he would end up hurting me again. So I agreed to be patient and give him time and space.

Its been about 1 month and he says things are "almost over". He sees the larger picture and knows he wants his marriage back and wishes he could turn back time. He seems a little blue and tells me having EMA has done emotional damage to himself and when he gets out of this will never start another EMA again.

Every day is a struggle for me to just give up and leave the marriage. He tells me its very hard on him too. How long do these types of things take? Is it better to cut ties quickly or not?

Thanks
Heather

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 6:52pm

i'm sorry you are in this situation :(

Most people here feel that going "no contact" is the way to end it. "cold turkey". Some of us try to be friends, i would say very few of us are successful.

My married man was okay with friends but slowly pushes for more and more. i sometimes think his wife is convinced it's ME pushing, when it's not. This may or may not be your husband's case.

If i were you, i would be leary. Many married men eventually, or right way, go running back to the OW while telling the wife it's over. Some have secret email or cell phone accounts. Some go days or weeks, or months, but many, many times they come back. My personal advice to you is to tell him he needs to end it. You may understand him "greiving" her and his Relationship with her because it *is* hard for him , but it does need to be completely over. i think the therapist is right.

i'm sorry this has happened and i hope it's okay i responded.

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 7:22pm

In my situation, I was the WS. I have since ended the affair. It was virtually impossible for me to work on my marriage while still involved with the other guy. I had to have the mindset that it was completely over and go "cold turkey" with no contact in order to move on and be completely committed to my marriage. Even just talking and being friends with the other guy would set me back.

My husband is not aware of anything physical. He knows that we were good friends and had repeatedly asked me to stop conversing with him. I would assure him that I stopped, but chose not to. I damaged my relationship further everytime he caught me talking with him (cell phone bills. email, etc)as he felt he could not trust me. He was right.

As the previous poster stated, you must give him time to grieve. This is so true. It's hard to understand and will take a lot of stregth on your part, but it is a necessary step for him to move on. However, if your husband is still speaking with her or seeing her, he will just prolong the grieving process and the steps that follow. Counseling may be a waste right now as it was for my husband and me. I wasn't fully committed. You need to be fully committed for it to work.

Right now, I am ready. I am going to therapy first to heal myself from the affair. However, we will still need marriage counseling in order to fix what was wrong with our relationship BEFORE my affair.

I hope you find this helpful. Good luck to you.

Despr8

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 7:41pm

Heather

I have toagree with the first two posters, the only way to move forward in dealing with the damage done is for him to go TOTAL NO CONTACT anything less risks dragging you back into the affair. It sounds like right now your husband is fence sitting that is something he needs to stop NOW, you need to refuse to accept any more excuses from him it has tobe your way or the highway if he wants to save his marriage.

I am not saying it will be easy for him because it will not, for many people exiting an affair before there ready is like breaking a drug addiction very painfull BUT IT CAN BE DONE.

Please note that all of the above is "MY OPINION" based on some experience both mine and others.

GOOD LUCK

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2005
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 8:27pm

Thanks for your honest feedback. Its good for me to hear it from your perspective. In my gut, I feel the same way about NC and me following through on leaving him if he's not ready to do his part.

You're right about MC - hasn't really brought any change in him or helped him see anything more clearly (did help me some). He goes and just sits there dodging questions like bullets. I've asked him several times to be honest with himself as to why he wants to restore the marriage and still be in an EMA. His response is that he knows he will regret his decision if we divorce and that he still has feelings for me. He thinks time to get over it is what he needs, and I agree but its a huge risk to me.

Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 1:02pm

Hey there! I kind of agree and kind of disagree with the previous posters. First off, cold turkey is absolutely the only way to go. You cannot wind down an affair. Run, don't walk, away.

The only respect in which I kind of disagree is in your H's grieving the end of his A. If he's made the decision to end the A and work on his marriage, he ought to be really glad you'll work with him on this. He can keep the grief to himself. When I came to my senses and ended my A, I was relieved to have my H, the love of my life, back. I was honestly happy. There were, of course, times when I missed my XMM (we were together for about 2 years) and I kept those to myself. My DH should not have to put up with any pain that I caused myself by choosing the wrong road, and, after all that I put him thru, deserved only the best I had to give him.

I'm sure he "knew" that at times I missed my XMM, but I didn't share that with him. I made every honest effort to put our marriage back together. I can assure you that no one can work on their marriage while they are slowly cutting ties with another person. You're heart can't be in two different places.

I guess what I'm saying is that having been the WS in my marriage I totally understand how difficult it is to end the A, but having chosen to rebuild my marriage more than one year ago I've got some distance from the A and I can see that it an took incredible amount of work and honesty to get here and "slowly cutting ties" isn't a good start. I imagine that my DH wouldn't have had the patience for that.

Just my .02. Love and good luck, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 1:06pm

Hi Heather,

I think it's wonderful that you are being so patient and concerned where your H is concerned. Sure wish my H had been the same, and he, too, is guilty! The best advice I can give you where this whole mess is concerned is that if you truly love him and want to stay together, try hard to understand how and why this whole thing happened in the first place, and try to forgive. If he feels anything like I felt, he IS sorry. Sure, it's hard for him to break it off, because he did feel something for this woman. Or at the very least, got something from her (besides the obvious) and is having a hard time letting go of that. But he wants to stay with you, it sounds like, so he just has to get over the hump.

On the flipside, forgiving him and understanding doesn't mean you need to be a doormat, either. You have the right to ask certain things of him. And he needs to respect them. One of them IS NC. He needs to break this thing off now...not drag it out until the "perfect" time. There is no perfect time.

Let us know how you are!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2005
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 6:03pm

Thanks everyone for your advice. I took the first step last night when he asked late at night if he could go over there and talk with her. She's going through a lot of emotional stuff right now and he just needed to close things out nicely without a big blow up.

Well, I thought about the advice you gave me and I calmly told him if he leaves then he is passively making a decision to leave the marriage. I pointed out that he is concerned about her feelings over mine and I will take the first step in filing papers if he left. He tried coaxing me for 15 minutes promising me its almost over, blah blah. I stuck to my word (remained very calm) and he didn't go. I was ready to follow-through if he did. I'll keep this up. It feels very good to know that he does care more about the marriage than I thought. I'll take this day-by day as we move through this because I can't do the emotional roller coaster any more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 9:52am

Good for you for sticking to your guns and not letting him go! The fact that his AP was having some problems isn't your H's problem, and it certainly isn't your problem. She can certainly find someone else to work it thru with.

I truly don't believe there's any way to slowly cut those ties, or even allow him to indulge in a little bit of self-pity or melancholy. Any "wishi-washiness" (if there is such a word) still keeps him in touch with his feelings for the AP and keeps him from being fully, 100 percent present in your marriage - which is where he ought to be if he's making this choice.

I disagree with the previous poster in that if my H had been so understanding, it would have enabled me to wallow in the bad feelings and loneliness that I experienced during the first few weeks/months of NC. He's dragging you into drama that you have no need for in your life. He's picking you and cleaning up his act. There's no room for winding down. I personally think that any amount of tolerating his behavior (which you clearly aren't) would lower his, and probably your, respect for YOU.

Remember, his puppy didn't die - he cheated on his wife and marriage and now he's being called on to stand up and take responsibility for his actions.

Sorry if I sound harsh and insensitive. Nothing personal toward your H. I can just about guarantee that if I thought I could have gotten away with continuing on with my AP with my DH's knowledge/consent because we were "winding things down," it wouldn't have happened. I'm very happy in my marriage today, and I can't believe I almost let this go.

Just my .02. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 12:57pm

GREAT post Mommesq. I give you a big *thumbs* up. You've come a long way, kiddo.

Id