WS still disconnected after the affair?
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| Mon, 11-15-2004 - 11:57am |
OK for those of you who have seen my past posts its me.. desperately seeking answers again. For those of you who have not seen my posts, essentially my H had an EA and wanted more but from what I know (long story) she did not.. I am fairly sure there is no more contact but not positive as although my resourses for information tell me no, he could have found another way to contact her and once and awhile has given me pause to wonder if he is lying --of course this could just be my BS paranoia which I don't think goes away right away...
OK, so we have been in individual counseling -- me trying to deal, him trying to figure out why he feels the way he does -what he wants all of that. We stopped couples after two sessions because he really did not know what was up for him.
So for weeks he was distant, polite but underlying anger (I guess at me for blowing his fantasy) Only recently has he been less angry (I know I should be the one who is angry and I am but the T feels we should wait and try to figure things out before dumping it all out there so she is saying be nice to eachother and so we also stay away from the topic) Anyway I digress
We have been trying to add more fun back into our lives (movies, games, friends) and yesterday we had sex again which has always been great and was -- and so on the surface all seems like "better" but he still is disconnected- something in his manner I just feel a sort of warmth that was there and is no longer and I just don't know if that is to be expected part of the grief of losing the other woman or if maybe he is still seeing her (my greatest fear). He seems to be working on us, keeps reading this relationship book, going to IT, I don't know what to make of it all. I am so afraid of getting sucked in only to be hurt all over again. I am just feeling better after a pretty deep depression for about a month.
I don't know if anyone has had a similar experience - I know I am impatient but if I feel all is real and we are really working on moving forward I think I can relax and be more patient with the process.. Any thoughts?

I have been following your posts. I don't know what to tell you but I wanted to lend you my support. I am the one that had an A and my H found out. I would do anything to work things out with my H. I have not spoken or seen my XOM since the day after H confronted me and have no desire to do so and have made that known to my H. I hope that you are able to work thru everything with your H. Sending you big hugs and wishing you luck.
DAF
I guess you are right there is a lot of underlying perhaps anger, hurt for him as well -- and as we are different people although I have put my anger and hurt aside (for the moment and he is the one who hurt me) for the sake of the relationship until we can sort out our feelings perhaps he cannot put it aside.. although he should be angry at himself not me.
I hear what you are saying though, that he may need time to feel again for me the warmth and caring and love that he once felt. Its so hard for me to let go of that right now but I cannot control it so I guess I have to. It is a good sign that he is in T although it could be a way for him to figure out that he needs to leave the marriage--that always could be the outcome --it was for me in my previous marriage (after a year of therapy). SO that is no guarentee he will stay in the marriage unless he can deal with his stuff.
I will hold on to the thought that he is dealing and talk to the therapist about it some more. Thanks all for responding.