XAP contacted and now I'm back to sq 1
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| Thu, 07-22-2010 - 7:12pm |
As my 2 wk nc approached, and today was one of my lowest, a grey veil hanging over and making everything appear heavy and dull, I logged into my email and it was there.
From another account, one i didn't know to block.
It read, something along the lines of how all he wish for was my happiness 'with or without him' missing every part of me like crazy, how he hoped i was better and he hadn't affected my peace of mind etc etc...
I read it, I shouldn't have, block and walk, delete, delete, delete... I was sick to my stomach, looked at it for ten minutes before I could open it and then cried. Hard.
This messes up NC, and I'm sorry to everyone for letting you and me down. It sent me on a whirlwind of emotions, reading between the lines, wondering if he's moved back home, 'with or without' oh and how he believed deep down I didn't want him and i knew it.
Truth be told, I would've left, up until his commitment to getting his own place, seemed a bit distant... and that he couldn't cope with limited access to his children.
So I felt okay to know he missed me, but ultimately angry and a bit patronised. I'm sorry can you want someone you love and wanted to spend your life with to be happy without them? Because in all honesty, I don't wish him happiness, if it's not with me.
I'm sorry. I failed... and I'm going to have to do a complete repeat of the past

Did you respond? I am a little confused...if you did not know it was him and you read it and only then realized it was him, that is no you breaking NC. My exAP created numerous accounts to try to get to me. As long as you did not respond, you are good.
I try and tell people all the time that they can affect you even if you do not respond to their fishing attempts. I just was telling a poster who has been hoping to hear from Exap, that it is only what she thinks she wants. It feels really bad and I know and can relate.
And he is not contacting you because he is selfish. The very words he stated to you are just what he thought you would want to hear. I just hope it didn't work.
READ THIS, This is for everyone that hopes exAP contacts them.............
One thing that you have to keep reminding yourself....If he calls you, it's not because he left his W and wants to be with you....it's not because he loves you and can't live without you....it's not because he's so hurt and so concerned about your well-being. He's calling because he's selfish. He's calling to get his fix. He's calling to see if you still want him. He's calling because he doesn't respect you enough to let you live your life and find someone who will give you everything you deserve. He's calling b/c something's missing in his Marriage and you were the filler.
You have to say to yourself "I will never be anyones filler."
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Hi Luvin,
I will never be anyones filler...... that is so true, in our last phonecall, i told him i had probably made the last 15mo of his marriage a lot easier to put up with!!
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
Thank you again everyone for your support at me ruining NC - to make it clear, I did NOT respond but two further emails have come through at 1am and 4am, one asking 'why the f**k did we let this happen', the other a very detailed drawing of me. I read them why?? I dunno. I HAVE NOT replied.
NC 1 today.
Luvinme - your analogy is very accurate. I'm set back, because I know I'm in the frame of mind that he does care and it's lifted me, and I can't see the selfishness in him, and I'm back to the thinking that we were unique and I know there is no such thing.
I am committed to ending, and I want nothing more than to enjoy my booked date with my H - our first date alone since the beginning of the A - I want to enjoy his company, I want to love him again the way I did on our honeymoon last year when we walked down Vegas strip and I realised I'm so happy I picked you.
I've been analysing why I had the A having had too much time alone, and while I think I know why, I don't know how to cure that... what I do know is no-one will ever come between my