XAP & H playing mind games!!!
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XAP & H playing mind games!!!
| Tue, 01-11-2011 - 3:23pm |
Hi Ladies~
It has been about one month now since my d-day. Up until that point, it had been one month of NC with X.
When H made his discovery on my computer, he had sent X an e-mail telling him in NO uncertain terms to BACK OFF!!
My reaction to H's contacting X was rather relieving to me. I felt like this action would be the final nail in the coffin in terms of my A and any further contact. I guess in a normal "relationship" it would work, but in Fantasy Land, you abide by a different set of rules!
H had blocked all of X's phone #'s, e-mails, etc. that I had failed to remember about.

Hi FL
That was selfish of xAP to attempt to txt you...GOOD ON YOU for not responding. that is awesome only one month NC.
It seemsto me the male ego is a huge thing and once they know of A, they have to 'prove' themselves and their self esteem, i understand your HELL entirely....
Hang in there
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
FL -
I understand from your post why you would feel the way you do - but how LUCKY you are to have a man who loves you enough to still want to be with you after what he has been through.
the next form of contact, and wonder what X will say, and feel my scab rip off again!"
***
FL,
I know that you are frustrated and dealing with your own version of hell, but from my perspective your focus here is on feeling victimized by your situation. The situation you and xAP created. I know it seems like forever since the Dday, but it hasn't been that long. I don't hear compassion in your "voice" for the pain YOU have caused, only frustration and misplaced anger. One month out, that's ALL you are ... you'd better saddle up FL, because IT IS GOING TO BE A LONG RIDE. Have you read the Betrayed Spouse Board? Do you have any realistic understanding as to the TIME it will take, and the EFFORT it will take on your part to even have a shot at healing your marriage? I am being serious and not flippant here. It can take YEARS of SLOW progress. It takes UNBELIEVABLE courage and strength to do your part to making you H feel safe again in the relationship.
BUT, it is NOT your responsibility to HEAL your H ... like you have identified, he has shifted his focus onto xAP and away from dealing with the issues inside the marriage. It is simply easier at this point for him to lash out at your xAP, and of course he feels super paranoid. Look at your actions FL? You (like I) took the most sacred, trusting relationship there is (other than parent to child) and pissed all over it. Trust in you again is going to come WITH TIME and ACTIONS and counseling.
I know that you are doing your very best to watch out for those kids - to give then stability in this storm, and I am sorry that this is happening for you. I am sorry for all of us - BUT even more sorry for the pain we caused others. At the end of the day, only you can decide whether or not YOU are able/wanting/willing to live like you are now, or whether or not that it is indeed the best thing for you and the children.
And this sends up BIG red flags FL:
"Because even after all the hell that has fallen on my house because of my actions, it scares me that I would STILL have to use will-power to NOT respond!! WTH???"
Are you getting counseling? This speaks to being NC, but not doing the work afterward to TRULY understand and appreciate the impact of your choices.
TU.
FL- Huge hugs to you. The fall-out from a D-Day is so brutal.
Healing myself from the A, trying to help H heal, trying to keep the kids feeling emotionally safe during this tumultuous time...I just feel ....overwhelmed...
This is a lot to deal with. I too thought I would go crazy trying to juggle all those things. But do the best you can. Take one day at a time. Breathe in, breathe out. You will get through this.
Thank you HA7Years. It is always comforting to know that
Thank you NC for your encouragement. I have just
You are right Lolly, I am fortunate to have a H that chose to not throw me out on the street.
Give yourself credit for ending your A and give yourself credit for realizing what caused you to betray your DH; but understand that you have just taken your DH's heart, threw it on the ground and spat on it. You have cut him deeper than ever. I agree with the other poster that you should visit the Betrayed Spouses Board and see the other side of the pain you caused. For a long time, it was hard for me to show emotions but reading the BS board made me cry. We are so selfish when we are having an A. We only see what we want to see and we block reality out. Well, there is another side to what we have done and we have to deal with it and realizing the implications of our actions and the impact it had on others. You have to see what you have done through your DH's eyes to really be able to not make the mistake of straying in your M again. You have to take YOU out of it because YOU are the one who caused it. It doesn't matter how many times you begged your DH for attention that is no excuse to cheat. Either you want to be M to your DH or not. If you can't handle his personality then it's time to reconsider whether you want to be M to him, but having an A is not the answer. I like it when someone on this board wrote that having an A is like wanting to remodel your kitchen and setting a grenade off in it instead. Your DH may be quiet, dispassionate but deep down he is dying inside because of the pain you've caused.