xAP left it open...need help moving on

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2010
xAP left it open...need help moving on
7
Mon, 07-26-2010 - 9:11pm
Ok, long story short, after many emails, texts, and one sexual encounter, xAP's girlfriend found an email twice and after discussing what to do, AP told me that although he cares for me and no matter how hard it will be, if we ever want to have a chance of "making this work" we need to go no contact until at least January until we figure out what we both are going to do regarding our SO's. At the time I agreed, but after thinking things through, I realize that maybe I was just being kept as an "option" and I shouldn't hold my breath.
I realize that I just need to move on, even though sometimes I still think that I'd like to have a "chance" with him in the future after resolving/ending things with the H. I realize that I need to be in the mindset of of thinking that if I do end up leaving H, it will be for ME and no one else...
I have to admit, because he's left it open, its killing me inside thinking of the what if's... I wish he would have just told me that he planned on never contacting me again and ending it for good, instead of leaving it open.
It would have made it easier for me to really move on and fir get it.
Has anyone else's xAP done this? Is it just him playing games with me? Or was he just trying to do the right thing?
I know it doesn't matter, it's over. I'm trying so hard to get past it, get it out of my head and move on, but it's so hard. I realize it's over and that's undoubtedly for the best, but I'm still having such a hard time with this. I still think about him constantly and am grieving the loss :(


Edited 7/26/2010 9:19 pm ET by rose8800
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Mon, 07-26-2010 - 9:57pm

YOU make that decision to move on - NOT HIM. Take your power back and start re-building your dignity.

Decide it is over - bolt that door shut, block & walk and join us here. Trust us when we say if you have NC until Dec. you will have radically changed your perspective on where you want to be in your life and it will not include your AP.

You gotta believe in a future that's better than the present you are living.

Won't you join us?

TU

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2010
Mon, 07-26-2010 - 10:31pm
I will join you. I'm just in that phase of trying to let it all go and it's so incredibly hard. I want nothing more than to move forward. I know if he were to contact me now, it would take every ounce of strength not to respond. I know in time, I'll get to the point of not caring one way or the other if he were to make contact. Thanks for the support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 07-27-2010 - 6:04am

Rose,


Leaving the door open is just another form of selfish manipulation. It is already "killing

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2010
Tue, 07-27-2010 - 9:00am

Iddy,

Thank you. I needed someone to open my eyes to the situation, and you have. I knew all of this deep down and I'm really surprised at myself for being so naive.
I'm going to have to muster up a ton of strength to forget about him and move on completely. I'm glad this board is here. Everyone is so supportive of one another and it's great to see.

Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Tue, 07-27-2010 - 9:10am

Rose -

I'm so glad you are going to join us!

<<<>>

Don't think that you have to lift the entire mountain all at once. You'll be amazed how much strength you'll get from everyone here. Take it one day at at time and keep the focus on you. You can do it :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Tue, 07-27-2010 - 10:07am

Rose,
My X and I had a very similar ending; the door was left wide open and there was a plan to reconnect (check in) in three months. Honestly, I was not in the ending mind-frame so letting go was very difficult. Yet, you will see, as I did, that once you commit to clearing your head and assessing the A and any future with X, that you will not want that door to be open. With the help of total NC, you will begin to see X and yourself in a new light. You will begin to recognize that the A was nothing more than a very damaged part of you feeding off of a very damaged part of him, and you'll not want to be that person anymore - and you won't want to have a toxic X's presence sullying up your progress towards becoming the person you want to be.

My gut instinct is that X wants to fade out of the A without having to confront a definite ending. Avoiding the drama is human nature. He might be trying to do the right thing, who knows? The focus now needs to be on YOU doing what YOU need to do to heal and move forward. It took me a few weeks, and daily reading/posting here, before I was able to tell the X that I wanted NC. I hope that it won't take you that long, since every break of NC is a painful and destructive set back you don't have to endure.

Btw, my A was an intense 18mo long - and I have been an ender for 8 months. If I can do it, you can.

Best to you,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 07-27-2010 - 11:58am

My A door was left open too- xap's last letter to me, in response to my ending letter, said he'd be there if I wanted to say good morning or hello... that he'd do his best to respect my wishes to clear my head, but that he'd miss me more than words and he can't imagine his life without me. Blah blah blah. Once I freed myself from the fog with the help of this board, I made a choice to end it. It was my choice to make, so I made it and decided he'd no longer have power over me. I slammed the A door shut for good. You should to. Please don't hold out hope for him. It will only keep you in this cycle of pain. Take back your control and start living for you.


Hugs.


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/