xAP is making me feel so guilty!!
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| Tue, 06-22-2010 - 5:21pm |
Hi all,
I should say, it's not fair to say my xAP is making me feel guilty. i can choose how to feel. but, he recently sent me an email where he just went off on how hard it is for him to be without me, how much he loves me, how he's never experienced a love like this and he cannot believe how i could just let go of him, how he would treat me amazingly and would give anything to be given the chance to take care of me, etc.
i know he just needed to vent, maybe say things to me that he stopped himself from saying, but maybe now that he knows i've made my decision and am trying to move on, he feels like there's nothing to lose in telling me these things.
i do not begrudge him his feelings. but man do they make me feel like crap! i feel so horrible, like i used somebody and discarded them, like im breaking the heart of a man i wasn't even dating, that somebody loves me like crazy and im telling him i dont want him. i feel like a first class b*tch.
advice??

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My XAP did that very thing to me, twice.
I echo CSN's words. Delete, delete, delete. You do not owe him anything. Though I admit I am not 100% familiar with your story, I don't need to know all the particulars to know that you made a choice for YOU and you need to continue to do so. So he's hurt. Yeah, join the club buddy. This A shiz hurts. You are picking up the pieces and he is too. The kindest thing you can do is to stick to NC. Don't fuel this fire anymore.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
thanks ladies, i REALLY appreciate the feedback!i was thinking a lot of the same things, but it's nice to hear from others. its so hard, bc i DO care so much about my xAP, and i hate feeling like i broke somebody's heart. this is a guy who is getting divorced (that was happening before i got into the picture) but was literally ready to move to a new town and start a life with me. he constantly told me how in all his life, he never felt this way about anybody, not even his wife. and part of me is like, "how is that possible? we've not even had a real relationship!"
but the fact is, i cannot obsess over his feelings.its sad, its hard, i hate that i've done this, but at the same time, continuing to stay in touch with him just because i feel bad hurting him is really more condescending than anything else. i just have to stay strong for myself because ultimately, the end of the A is best for both of us.
i know he just wanted to vent, and he has a right to, but delete is the way to go. i re-read it so many times and started feeling so badly but i just gotta stop.
Argh! So i deleted the email, and was very proud of myself. and this morning, he sent me a text saying he's sorry for the email, and he's completely overreacting, and could we have one last hurrah?
part of me wants to respond saying "listen, buddy, you gotta let it go" (in a nice way obviously!) and another part of me is like "dont respond at all!!"
i know my xAP is baiting me. i know he just doezsn't want to let go so he is trying to find whatever he can to hold on to pieces of me, but i cant let him. so, what is the protocol here ladies? just ignore every attempt on his part to contact me? this is so hard!
"one last hurrah"???
Ignore Ignore Ignore
Bodhi
yes, i know i need to ignore, but he wont leave me alone. he's been texting all day, random things, like about the world cup, or just saying hi, or whatever. i've been ignoring them all. he's not a crazy stalker, but he's acting desperate, which is actually having the reverse effect on me: its making me respect him less.
have any of you had teh experience of xAPs trying to hold on, keep contact, etc? If so, how to handle? i know this isn't the end for mine. i'm proud of myself today cos i ignored him entirely. but at some point, i'm scared i'll break down. not because i want to be3 with him or resume the A, but because i'll feel guilty for not responding.
thoughts?
look up block and walk.
exi,
ask yourself why you are still accepting emails and text messages from him. are you ready to end?
lillie
lil,
i'm basically deleting them as soon as i see them. the thing is, i may not be 100% ready to let go, but i've decided that im going, because if i sita round waiting until im 100% ready, i just dont know what good will come of it. i think i need to take decisive action instead of just letting my emotions dictate the way. nothing good is coming out of the A, and its messing with my head, my marriage and my life. I don't like it.
i love my xAP,and it kills me that things are ending, but i just dont want to have an A any longer. so, when the texts come, or the emails come, i just delete. i've deleted him from my phone, but that doesn't stop him from texting me. i've got so much guilt about it, but i just know its the right thing. i just have to stay focused and hope that i dont crumble in a moment of weakness.
exi,
sending you strength and hugs. you will have moments of weakness-- MANY of them in the days to come. you cannot give your real life or your marriage a fair shot if you are still engaging with xap. i know from the depths of my soul what you mean when you say it kills you that this is ending. i felt that way too. the "relationship" may not be real, may be rooted in lies and fantasy, but the feelings are definitely real. i didn't believe that time and distance would change or soften those feelings, but they did and continue to do so. you need to give yourself the gift of separation and distance. only then will you begin to heal.
lillie
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