xAP wont let go- need support!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
xAP wont let go- need support!
14
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 5:28pm

Hi all,

Well, as long as iddy hasn't kicked me off the board yet, I could really use some support on an issue. xAP has been texting me all weekend, and saying really hurtful things. in a nutshell he is telling me that my marriage is based on a lie, that i'm lyin to myself and everybody in my life by pretending that what happened between us wasn't real. and that im a cold selfish person for removing him from my life. he's constantly trying to reach out to me, (yes, i blocked his email address altogether, but i cant block his # from my phone, i tried, there is no way).

he is also making thinly veiled threats about telling my H everything. his W knows but mines doesn't. i dont actually believe he'll do it, but i feel like he's trying to "guilt me" into being his friend! everybody here has consistently reinforced to me that
"no contact" is the only way to go, but i just don't know what to do. i texted him back to ask him to please stop saying hurtful things, that i'm sorry that i've chosen to end things but that trying to hurt/threaten me. he wrote back saying that although he can accept that things are over, the idea that i'd "abandon him" by cutting contact is analogous to taking a giant dump on everything we shared, and really unfair and unacceptable to him. he said he just wants some kind of relationship with me where we can just be friends, talk occassionally, etc. the idea that i'd cut him out of my life altogether is in his mind "something you dont do". i can think of a million logical retorts to his comments, but i'm just too exhausted to get into an argument about all of it.

i told him i'd email him later today with my thoughts. so guys...uh...what are my thoughts?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2010
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 5:51pm

Hello existentialist82...


I don't know your full story about the affair, but I feel your pain... I had to change my number the other day to get away from XAP even though he wasn't torturing me but sending silly 'fishing' texts as Iddy put it... and the temptation for me was too much.


Why did you end the affair? Is he married?


Do you worry that he might tell your husband? How would he react, how long was it going on for, are there children involved?


I do agree with no contact, but I haven't had to deal with pestering XAP so I don't know what to advise in your next email to him. Do you still feel emotionally attached to him?


I suppose, if you really want a clean break, then it's the risk you would have to take that your husband may find out.


I know I'm not much help, but I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and supporting you whatever happens.


Keep us updated.


X PL

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 5:58pm

thank you for your kind words. i really don't want to have to change my number, but i guess it might come to that. i blocked his email addy and deleted his num, but he still has mine and i know its him when i get the texts.

we are both married, but he is getting divorced (he had an A before me, and wife found out and decided it was over--so when i came in to the picture, things were already falling apart).

i realized i wasn't in love with him, that i really wanted to be with my H, so i ended it. it took a few weeks to fully cut the cord. i have not seen him face to face in over a month. the most i've gone NC is 10 days, which isn't a whole lot. and its really because he's been pestering me, bc i've never initiated contact.

there are no kids involved. H believes that i had an emotional affair, but not physical. H and i are trying to rebuild, and making things with work him is incredibly important for me. i feel like AP wants to ruin things for me because his own life is in shambles.

i feel somewhat attached to him, but not really. i'm mostly just sad of what a mess it all became, and terribly disappointed in myself, and obviously, guilty for it all. i believe no contact is the only way, but i dont know what to do in response to his badgering. is there anything besides just changing my phone #??

thanks again for your support!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2010
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 6:10pm

Hello again ;)


When you say your H knows about an emotional A - does he know with whom?? So could you possibly tell him that this person is being bitter and demanding? So then should anything come back to H - you could say he's being crazed? (I know this is a deceitful suggestion but I'm not sure what else there is to do?)


I think from experience of myself getting angry, if I was to call XAP today and he'd changed his number I would be furious and feel like a complete stalker! And at the minute I suppose aggravating XAp is the last thing you want. But you also don't need to be a slave to him.


Tell him it's over as you said before and you don't think that contact as friends would work (were you ever before?).


It does sound like now he's nothing he's desperate for you.


I really admire you. I wish I had realised I don't love XAp which would make being around H a lot easier.


Maybe some of the more experienced EASers will have better advice for you. Hopefully.


Keep me informed of how it goes Mrs :)


xx PL

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2008
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 2:52am

Hi Exist. He sure is your typical narcissist, all about HIM. The next time he texts, do not even acknowledge him. I think he will leave you alone if NC is enforced. Even stray cats eventually quit begging if they are not fed and go away;).

As for him telling your H, not likely. Another mind game he doing. What would he gain? As for being friends, that is not possible once the line is crossed. Not wise to do.

For ones who never talked to me, I was here 4 years ago around this time in an A. Time does heal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 3:16am
I'm not ure this is a good suggestion, but it should get him off your back. Text him back this "This is (your H name) stop texting my wife. Thank you." I think it would scare him to think that your H is reading your texts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 9:06am

Blue Belle,
I don't think this is a good suggestion but I can see where you're coming from. However, doing this would just stir up more drama and lies - the consequences of such are _never_ good. All I can think is that Xap would assume since contact with H had been established, it would be ok to continue contacting him/her. Some people (X) just need turmoil in there lives and they don't care if it hurts others or even themselves. Again, just a sick addiction to unhealthy behavior. The only way to go is the high road of NC and keeping one's nose clean. I have to believe that this behavior will be rewarded. Peace of mind must be earned and takes a bit of time after ending an A; patience is key.

Cheers,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 9:19am

Ex -

I completely understand what you are going through. My XAP was (is) very toxic - every time I pulled back I would get emotionally and mentally beat up. "Who am I talking to? What am I doing? What are you keeping from me?" That was the anger part, then it would be followed by his pity party - "I'm not doing very well right now. I need you." etc.

As others have said, I doubt that he will go to your H. He's hurting and he's lashing out at you. I've also been the one on that end many times. Since you can't block him from your phone, just don't read the texts - delete them as fast as you can. Why do you want to email him with your thoughts? Just let it go - you know you can't be his friend. He won't realize it now, but it's the best thing you can do for him. And I agree with Dee - don't do anything to stir up any more drama.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 9:55am

you guys are right--sticking to NC is the only way, and i'm sure he'll eventually get tired of harassing me.

whats hard for me is that every time he texts, all the fear and paranoia from when i was knee deep in the A comes back to me; i have to rush to grab my phone bc i'm so scared H will see it, i'm constantly silencing the phone out of fear he'll text and i dont want H to know. just getting messages from him is stressful and painful, period. i guess its naive to assume that emailing him may stop him...i just feel like i need to do SOMETHING. it's not that i feel bad for him, or want to resume contact, but its like, i dont just want to sit around and let him text/emailk/call me whenever he feels like and just be scared every time the phone beeps!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 10:37am

Ex -

I am RIGHT THERE with you Ex - my XAP is still driving by my house and my office. Luckily I haven't had a text or a message for awhile, but every time my phone rings my stomach lurches. You said it, you are naive to thing that emailing him will stop it - just the opposite, it will refuel him.

<<<>>

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By doing nothing, you are doing something. Unfortunately, you have to wait it out - that's the way I feel. Sooner or later they have to get it.

Stay strong -

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 3:07pm

EL,


The best response would have been no response because he would have never known for sure if his threats were getting through.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

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