xAP's birthday

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
xAP's birthday
18
Sat, 04-02-2011 - 9:18am
It's the stroke of midnight here, which means xAP is another year older. First time in seven years I won't be sending a special "five favourite things about you" birthday message. I guess he'll be spending the day with his W and kids, right where he should be.

I baked a cake tonight, for friends, and then sat on my kitchen floor and cried for what xAP and I once thought we had. Thankfully I know that I only have to face the rawness of these anniversary events once. Next year, each of these days will simply be a chance to celebrate a year of being free.

So, wherever you are xAP, happy birthday. I hope you "find" the happiness that's already all around you.

Kat.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Sun, 04-03-2011 - 6:05am
Thanks for your support Tuff and Melinda. In the end (apart from my little midnight cry) I had a happy, busy day - enjoyed lots of cuddles with my newborn nephew this morning, had lunch with two dear friends, and then baked a fantastic rhubarb and raspberry streusal cake for my family.

And the best part of all was the knowledge that this year I gave xAP the best birthday gift of all. The gift of NC.

Yay, another day closer to being whole again. :) 11 weeks NC tomorrow!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Sun, 04-03-2011 - 6:37am
Japru, Relying on "willpower" to end an A seems about as risky to me as relying on "willpower" to prevent a pregnancy. Sure it might work, but with just one tiny lapse you might also end up in the very situation you were trying to avoid. From my perspective, blocking all contact is the simplest and safest precaution you can take to protect both you and her from a whole lot of pain.

Trying to be "nice" just doesn't cut it with me anymore. What are you really hoping to achieve by leaving that door wedged open? Wouldn't you rather have the peace of knowing that this is over?

With much care

Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Sun, 04-03-2011 - 7:24am
Dear Kat,

My feminist sister ... I can't tell you how much your reflections resonate with mine. From your last post, the piece around hurting his wife, the mother of his children, another woman ... well it was for her that I was originally able to stick to NC. When I wasn't able to care enough about myself or my own life - I held onto her hurt to stay the heck away from her family. He may have pleaded for me to stick around, but I could NO longer engage/collude with him that in behaviors that in any other space, would be seen as emotionally & mentally abusive to W.

In response to this post ... those anniversary dates can be brutal. CAN be. What I tried to do the first time they hit upon me was to REALLY focus myself in the present moment. I forced myself to take an honest look at where I would have been if I had still been in his life. On his B-day, instead of being sad, I was so relieved that I wasn't going to all the trouble of celebrating with someone who wouldn't be able to appreciate the effort I had put in, I wasn't lurking around in the shadows waiting for his texts, I wasn't trying to catch his eye while his W looked away (as we celebrated his b-day together with his family). I know you weren't crying for the loss of what was, but the harsh reality of the realization of the NOT that it ACTUALLY WAS. Those were some of the most powerful tears I cried: the ones that fell with the realization of all the hurt, pain & suffering I had caused for JAM.

"He made his choice about who he wanted by his side at those times, and it sure wasn't me."

I am happy that it wasn't you, in looking back I am happy for the most part, it wasn't me either that xAP choose to be with. It wasn't our place to ever been an option - to ever position ourselves to be in the "running" for those moments. I can't imagine what it would feel like to have a partner who had some dish on the side pouting because they felt entitled to his time. Am I ever glad that I/you/we have removed ourselves from that humiliating space.

With care,

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2011
Sun, 04-03-2011 - 11:03am
Yes, I thought about it more after you said this the first time and came to the conclusion you were right. So block it will be, or the closest thing gmail has to a block, which is a filter that puts it in the trash folder. But then I have to make sure I don't look at the trash folder! so more will power, but may be less than having the header stare at me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Sun, 04-03-2011 - 12:25pm
gmail has now updated their settings so that the filter can go from Skip it into delete it ... bypassing TRASH.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2011
Sun, 04-03-2011 - 2:25pm

@transcend:

No, the delete action in a gmail filter moves it into trash. I know from experience :(

i wish they would just have a "block" like any other program. but their reasoning is that if someone sent spam in your name you wouldn't want to be blocked accidentally.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Sun, 04-03-2011 - 10:58pm
ahhh ... i thought they changed the function. If need be, change your email account entirely. Remember - there are NO excuses good enough to allow yourself to be hurt. People change email accounts all the time - I had to twice.

YOU CAN DO THIS!

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Mon, 04-04-2011 - 8:40am

Kat

I didnt get to repond to this thread earlier- I love it!

Love how strong you are and how balanced your approach is. You are an inspiration.

Iggyxx

You are what you consistently do

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