Xmas is over n I am back on track
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 12-26-2009 - 10:38am |
Kmg, Pause, Lost, so-sad, sweetness, iddy.....well everybody i guess,
Xmas is over. I just woke up. I fell late last night. I fell hard. I am much better today. Guess I fell pretty hard. Lost, you gave me something to give me a better today. I know you did not mean to, but you did.
I do not know that the holiday had much to do with my breakdown, i think just holding my cousins 4 old day baby probably hurt me....either way, i was a mess. Perhaps that was a trigger.
But I remember having some pretty strong days. Days where that man did not phase me. Hours went by and he did not cross my mind. Times when I was like F him, this is his loss and I am going to get thru this. I am going to pull from those times and get my bearings back and put things back into perspective. This is clearly his loss. And despite the pain I have felt, I would have felt so much more in the future.
I was briefly knowingly in a A and for that I should be thankul. Sure, I feel all the same things you all feel, cuz I hung in there a while after I knew he was M.
I also notice, I may have highs and lows, but I am not nearly as stressed. I am not looking at my phone every 10 seconds etc..... I am not saying how high, when he would say jump. There some lights I have already seen at the end of this tunnel. I am going to move closer to them.
I am going to look back to me again, dig deep within me, leave him, her, and the other her to their own dysfunction. There is no joy there that I am missing. Focusing on me and get me together. The New year is what I make it. Clean slate. I have a lot going for me to me letting this lying hurtful MM bring me down. I am feeling good today. Why let him take that.
I am sure I will have my highs and my lows....I am sure I may even fall again, but I am proud that I have yet to break NC and that is something to be said about me. I am pretty weak normally.
I have a 3 hour drive ahead of me. I am on my way home, I am going to do my best to not think of him or any of the pain he caused me, I am not going to sit there and cry. I am going to call friends...listen to music like Beyonce and Irreplaceable.....listen to stuff that builds me up....talk to friends about their holiday. I am not going to let him be on the ride home with me, I am trying to leave him here...and get home and treat me. take care of me, love me, love me more than I ever loved him.
He aint thinking of me, why waste energy into him? I am still here for whomever needs me. Wish me much strength in these next couple of days. I am back on track. Help keep me there.
I look forward to the day when I posting here like a vet or a tweener....and I am posting to help others thru.
thanks to all of you....and please stick with me on this journey. In the meantime, its on and poppin!
Hope everyone has a great day....I am going to do my best to.

Awesome post....
Sienna~
<>
Good NEW day to you, and welcome back to reality. ;-) Remember, today is the first day of the rest of your life, although
~Iddy~
(((SJ))))
I have been reading your story and posts closely but i usually read them on my phone which wont allow me to reply..and now that my internet on my PC is having a good day i thought I'd take the opp:) I am 5weeks NC and the holidays were extremely hard as well. I lost my Grandmother 10 days ago and on top of everything else..i had some very low moments.
Me too!
Siennajaden,
I am SOOO excited and happy for you on this journey! Good luck. I want to hear everything about it...even if you hit a low. I want to know how you are getting through this.
I know I need to break things off with him and start NC again. The thing is, I do not want to write an email, letter, or text message. I want to do it face to face - I want to do it in person.
At any rate, I won't make this about me. You are on your high and I want to keep you there. Please keep us posted.
hey everyone,
thx so much for your support and encouragement. I sang at the top of my lunfs the whole way home. And even better, I have to keep this short. Going out with some friends to hang out. Maybe have a drink and just hang out. No date or anything....just me getting out. which is rare. The kids are with their dad, he lives in another city, so i do not get breaks like this often. Funny part is, I thought I would be wallowing in grief, coming home to a empty house with no kids and a ton of memories of MM, nope, I am going to get pretty and get out...have a nice time and make some new memories that are all mine...
wish me a good time and i will catch you all up later....I actually missed you guys today. thanks again
i may fall again, but I am up now and I am trying to keep it that way!! For now, I dont see the floor, my eyes are not swollen and I am as good as it gets....
ttyl.....
Sienna,
I'm so happy for you. I hope everyday feels like today for you but only better each time. Have fun hanging out. You make me want to go hang out with the girls. Maybe I'll get around to that soon.
Hugs