Xmm: the Narcissist?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Xmm: the Narcissist?
9
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 9:41am
I have not shared about some of my Xmm’s behaviors, because honestly, I think I didn’t want to make him look bad. But I have had some interesting insight over night that I wanted to share.

My therapist last spring—and my cousin, who is also a therapist—both noted to me a while ago that some of Xmm’s behaviors seemed very narcissistic. I didn’t think much of either comment at the time, but I circled back to it yesterday.

Yesterday, I made a list of all the things I know about Xmm, everything from his spiritual views to the fact that he loves to eat squash blossoms (they are very good with olive oil and salt and pepper, grilled on the BBQ, btw). After I made this incredibly long list of items, I suddenly realized he knows very little about me. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve tried to tell him lots of things about myself, but these are conversation threads that he never picked up and took anywhere: everything from my son being diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome a few years ago; to my concerns that my husband might be gay; the fact that a friend of mine—who I have been very concerned about—had started using pot daily as a way to cope. . . and there were more. He NEVER asked or took these concerns or conversations anywhere. Even when I met with him to tell him my H had had an A, he never asked for the details and has never brought it up since (this happened last fall).

When I look back on the relationship, I realize that I never called him—he always called me. And when he did, he would never say: “hello, how are you. Can you talk? Are you busy? What are you doing?” Instead, 98% of the conversations would begin with him launching into some issue going on in his life, like: “So, I took the high road today (over a problem he was having in a business relationship.” Or: “So. . . my dog ran away from home. I don’t know what to do.” NEARLY every conversation started this way, and often he would go into a diatribe for 30 minutes or more about whatever thing was on his mind. He also used to call me a lot, I realize now, to talk about sex. While he tells me now how “incredibly busy” he is at work, some of these sex talks—behind his closed office doors—would go on for 2 hours. Once, while my H was upstairs in our bedroom, we had phone sex. While I enjoyed this, I had never done anything like that before—and felt a little sleazy about it and uncomfortable. When it was over, I told him: “I better hear from you tomorrow—otherwise, I will feel sleazy and bad.” The next day was a Saturday—his wife was out of town—and, you got it, I never heard from him.

Only now do I hear from him when he needs to “run something by me” or needs something from me. I am starting to see that this entire relationship was just a one-way street, with he in the driver’s seat. He had no idea, or never acknowledged it anyway, that soon after our affair started, I lost a ton of weight and went into a pretty serious depression. Soon after, my H had his A and that is where we are now: still trying to recover from the domino effect of all of this.

I know this is long, but I am nearly finished: I went on line last night and did some research on narcissism. He has many of the traits. Last week, I posted on this board, that I often feel sucked him by him—that I think he manipulates me emotionally. That is one of the key characteristics: manipulation by emotion, so the narcissist can get his fill by sucking the life out of someone else.

I know that I became attracted to him because of some of this. He would talk my ear off—so needy, so insecure—and my husband needs nothing of me. Two extremes, to be sure.

So, now I understand, that he is doing much better at not contacting me than I am—but also, his lack of reaching out to me to understand what is going on in my life—is a pattern that continues.

Imagine: I am supposed to believe this person loved me? He knows since October that my H and I are in serious conversations about divorce and that I am in a lot of pain. Only twice, since October that I can think of, has he asked me what’s going on with this. When I mentioned we were possibly heading to divorce, he quickly changed the subject to my H’s company—which is often in the news these days. When I pointed this out to him—that he had changed the subject—he said he just needed “time to process” things that I say.

Process! BS! HE JUST DOESN’T CARE, because it’s not about him! I have often said that xMM dips into me whenever he needs something—and that is true—for validation about some issue or crises he was in, or to talk about sex. What is important to me, as I process this, is the relationship, in it’s current form, and his lack of reaching out to me then and now—has little to do with me or how loveable I am, but more about his own insecurities and extreme need to be pumped up by others. He doesn’t need me anymore. In my research last night, I learned that often narcissists move from one person to another to keep their emotional needs filled and fresh. Our contact has dropped off signficantly since February--when he told me "Mo" was a babe (a mutal friend of ours). Perhaps, he is doing the same thing with her now? I will never know.

I think these insights will be of great help to me as I continue in my journey of moving on and letting this man go and see the relationship for what it was: a dalliance for him—and possibly a life changing event for me, as I seriously consider the road to divorce. I never would have had feelings for this man, if my marriage was not in serious trouble. I never would have entertained the thought of an A, if I didn’t feel my marriage was over.

Thanks for reading all of this. It was incredibly important to me to post this today.

Any thoughts? What do you think of this man/relationship after reading this?

Clarice



iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 10:00am


clarice,

All I can is is WOW!! after reading your post. You obviously have done your research and I feel that everything you feel and have read is the truth and that is what will really set you free ( sorry for the cliche)!! You are smart, warm, funny and a lovable person who should be with someone who wants and loves you for you...the whole you, nothing more, nothing less.

I am truly sorry for your pain and wish you everything good because I know what it feels like to feel the pain of discovering that the person you love never loved you back. It was like this with my now ex (my relationship with MM was different). It was always about him! His feelings, emotions, insecurities, problems, etc. BUT they were twisted to look like it was always my fault. I know this isn't your scenerio but I'm just letting you know that although the situations are different the feelings and emotions are the same.

I am real happy for you in that you have this new found knowledge, although painful, will also give you added strength to move forward. You are a very strong person and I wish all the best.

MidnightBlue

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 10:34am
Hi Clarice! I've done alot of looking into narcissm myself, because I believe my H is one. As you probably know, narcissists don't ever change. It's a personality disorder. That's one of the things I've had to come to terms with in putting my marriage back together.

Yes, your OMM sounds like a narcissist. Some narcissists can make it work for them, which is how my DH is trying to proceed. In the business world, he lets his narcissistic tendencies run wild, and it works for him. He's very successful. But at least at home, since he started therapy, he's trying, trying, trying to be interested in what other people have to say. I understand totally what you mean about your OMM calling and launching right into some diatribe about what he happens to be doing at that moment, or whatever pressing issue is on his mind. My H did this to me for years. Now when he calls he's very careful to ask me first, How is your day going? I'm not sure he's genuinely interested and doesn't think that whatever he's doing is more important, but I don't really care. I care that he at least has put forth the effort to ask me about my day and listen when I tell him.


As I said, Narcissm is pretty much incurable. According to my T and most of the research I've done, only a major tragedy will alter this disorder. Fortunately, my H has suffered tremendous tragedy (loss of a child) and I swear to you that it has softened him. But if your OMM doesn't have any tragedy (or runs away before the tragedy hits) its not likely anything will prompt him to change.

How about this one: does your OMM need to be the center of attention everywhere he goes, even if the attention he gets is negative???? That's a really tough one for you to handle.

Clarice, I have to say that if this man of yours is truly a narcissist, you are sooooooo better off without him. You would never have mattered to him, you know that and the work you did yesterday is evidence of that. You could not have made him care about you. I hope this new realization you had will strengthen your resolve to stay away from him for good! Love and hugs, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 12:00pm
Hello,

I can relate to everything you just mentioned about narcissm. I'm so glad Clarice is moving on hopefully I will be there soon. Momesq1991 my h has been trying also to help our M work. he to only called and cared about his doing and dealings he never even cared about me or my doing because according to him i did nothing important.H is very successful and respected. When I stated A he started to change because I had no interest in him.

So your right about a major change I wanted to leave him and I really think he got scared

he went to talk to our attorney about this because I wanted out for all the wrong reasons I see know( for OM can you imagine what a mistake).

OM to is a severce case of narcissm everything is all about him , he loves to be center of attention good or bad.Your so right about this he never did wrong even when his W left him for cheating on her several times. He blamed everything on her he did no wrong.

I'm seeing such a clear picture here because of this post. OM Wanted me to leave H for him I almost did it. I told him I could'nt because of my kids ( he is also my kids coach). I told him I did'nt want to distroy there life because of a selfish act.. He kept telling me that he is alone on the weeknights and weekends. Putting all this guilt on me when I would call him he would be at a bar or over some friends house.It was all about how misserable he was and made me feel worse.I was depressed from the guilt of him and H. He would say I did'nt have as bad. I told OM to find another single W because our lifestyle where differnt even though this would hurt me dearly .

He found her and told me that they were togetther for 1 month while we were togetther.ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

He once again all about him tells me he found someone just like I told him to and putting all the blame on me why this did'nt work.I tried leaving him many times and he always called back. this time he shows up with her.to the games. I'm not going to anymore games till I can handle myself better.

I'm sorry to babble on about this but this struck such a nerve.. I'm glad your moving on as well I hope to be there too.

Thank god for this board

Y

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 12:31pm
i feel absolutely sick on my stomach now that i think i have some true understanding to Xmm. This information made me feel very free yesterday--and will again, i am sure--but it is still a sickening feeling to know that i fell for all of this. . . i was that vulnerable.

Sometimes, when you have insight, everything just starts to look very different--and certainly, this new insight i have had re: xMM has made me see everything very differently. I have been trying for a year now to make sense of this A--and now i see that it was something that could never be made sense of. I've been down every road: lit candles at church, prayed, saw psychics, read my (and his horoscope), flipped coins--everything and anything looking for answers. The only true answers you'll find are the ones that come from within.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 2:16pm
All i can say guys, is the reality of my A has coming crashing down. I realize, that not only do i have a terrible marriage, but apparently, i also had an unfilling A! Who would have known! I can remember thinking on Fridays, "Oh, xMM, please give me something to hang onto over the weekend. . . some amazing thing or comment." What a joke. Apparently, even these ridiculous bread crumbs this man threw to me were enough, but as you can see, most of what he did/said hurt. It always did. Occasionally, he would sprinkle in some amazing thing to me--those are the things i held onto. But you know what, they were few and far between.

Oh, the pain of insight.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 5:39pm

Clarice, it sounds like you have made major breakthrough!! I am so glad to hear that you are seeing xmm as he really is.


Proud of you, girl! You've come a long way, baby! You're ready to get beyond this affair.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 6:58pm
then how come i feel so like s---. i know, freedom will come, and this new realization--which i know is true, as i can feel the truth deep down in my bones today--is just another battle fought and won.

i figured it out. i understand now. it's like a big piece of the puzzle has been put into place.

i have to see this stupid man at the little league field here in 20 minutes. 45 days and counting until that is over too. and then i am gone, gone, gone. his little league is going to fall apart when i leave as i do so much--and he has no idea i won't be around next year.

feel so mad--mad at myself. mad i let my vulnerabilites leave me open to this. know divorce is the answer too--still have more work to do on that one though.

off to little league. gotta love it.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 7:16pm

Clarice, I'm here for you for your divorce, too. I've been through 4 of them of my own and a few from friends and family including two of my mother's. Just email me and I'll get back to you.


But, until you're ready to jump that hurdle, I think

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 9:17pm
thanks chris. i know. there are worse things than divorce. it's just never what i expected for myself or for my kids. people do it everyday. but i am not like ordinary people. i try and try and i never give up. but this time, i may have to. i have prayed and prayed and prayed--and maybe i just keep missing the answer.

thanks for being there.

clarice