XMM Upset with ending of A

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2007
XMM Upset with ending of A
10
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 11:39pm

Today was a really tough, emotional day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 12:03am
Sounds like he is panicking because you ended it. Now he is saying anything and everything in order to keep you where he wants you...hanging on to some hope. I wouldn't put a whole lot of stock into it. Focus on your own life and making yourself happy. If he truly leaves her this summer, well, then you can make a decision, but for right now, nothing's changed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 12:07am

TGG,

I have to use acronyms for your name, I hope you do not mind.

Ok, here it goes. I say why are you waiting till the summer? And do you even really, I mean really want this man? Do you want to be the reason his M is over? Do you want a man who cheats on his wife? Do you want a man who has already broken promise after promise? Do you not think that it is likely that he will do the same to you? Do you even respect him? Relationships build on lies normally do not stand. You have always been on sinking sand. I am sorry, but separated doe not mean crap. An actually signed by a judge stamped court document is the only way I would ever have contact with him again. And even then, I would be running in the other direction. That is just me tho. I am in a different place than you right now.

I been where you been. Sounds like you got a master manipulator on your hands, he knows just what to say and exactly how to say it. I had one of those, had me thinkin he was really going to leave his wife. He is still up under her literally and figuratively till this day. They say and do all the right things just to give you a glimmer of hope and you hang on to it for dear life. DONT DO IT.

I know it's hard, especially when they put it on you like that. I agree you should not be dating, but you should not be waiting on him either. If he leaves her and I mean really leaves her, not that separated crap, then you are free to decide then, but I would not bank on it, I have yet to see a women on this board where a man actually left W and winded up riding into the sunset...NOT ONE. And I certainly do not know of one where the relationship actually stood the test of time.

I have seen women like you and I who have come on here. Men who have even filed for D, and then got cold feet and backed out and broke OW's heart and smashed it as soon as they found out that that petition for dissolution (fancy way of saying D papers) had been withdrawn. I can not tell you how many countless times I have read someone writing about how MM chooses W, not OW. I can tell you how many times those same OW or MOW have come back here and posted after years and years of waiting.

Go on with your life. All he said was just what you needed to hear, and all because you blew him off a few days. Leave him to figure things out. Focus on you, if he leaves her (which I doubt), you need not play a role in that decision. If he does not, you have already started to move on and can continue to do what you need to for you.

U have to really start to see things for how they really have been, no man that loves you would stand to see you in such pain, they will let you go or move mountains to be with you, its really that simple. Kids or no kids. Semester or not. Is he a mountain mover? Sounds like a cake eater....you have closed the bakery and he is trying to keep it open. No man who loves you would keep you a secret.

I know this is hard to see, you are still in the fog. But I hope you listen. Try to focus on you, let him to do whatever...

Luvin

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 12:20am

TGG,


So sweet isn't it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 1:58am

"Wahhhh!!! What do you say to that?"

SIMPLE....CALL ME WHEN THE INK ON YOUR DIVORCE DECREE IS DRY UNTIL THEN GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.

6 years is long enough for him to keep YOUR life on hold don't you think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 7:24am

... and then trust by the time that ink dries (if it ever did) that you will have come to the conclusion, that this man is no where near worthy of you, and regardless of whether or not he is D - you aren't going back.

Please continue NC - block & walk, and don't fall for it. I did. It was awful when he changed his mind. This after he planned a Dday, told friends, and he was looking for apartments. Then, after he went back to W, he waited a whole 2-3 days before he was fishing for me.

Now - if he came with his bags packed, divorce papers in hand - well, i'd kick him to the curb and well enough, that he wouldn't bounce back' (-:

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 7:40am

TGG,


Just remember that actions always speak louder than words. Insist on having your space and let MM sort out his life. Talking to his W about his unhappiness is a far cry from filing D papers. Even if he does start talking D, she may insist on MC and trying to work out their differences. I have seen this happen time and time again. In the meantime you are no further along in your healing because you'd still be clinging to that thread of hope, dangling in limbo-land for what may be another year or two. Are you willing to put your life on hold even longer for "just words?"


Another thing to think about is that many times once a MM does file for D, he begins to second guess himself and whether he is making the right decision. I've seen separated men return to their marriages once they see that the grass ain't so green after all on the other side of the fence. Divorce for men says they have failed, and many cannot handle the stigma attached to failing. He would also be pressured by his grown kids who will more than likely not want anything to do with him if Dad leaves mom. This is another hurdle many MM have serious trouble with. The guilt consumes them and they become miserable people to be around. I've read of so many OW's who thought they finally got their man, only to lose them again in the final hour.


What you need to do is concentrate on your own life now. You need to live it as if he in not in the picture at all. I know this will be very difficult, but it's the only way to protect your heart from further destruction. There are way too many unpredicted variables involved when someone decides to throw away their M for another person. Women are somehow better

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 8:58am

TGG-


You've received a lot of good advice here. I think the best being, block and walk, focus on yourself, and leave him be to sort out his own mess. An earlier poster said, "Do you want to be the cause of his D?" Could you live with yourself? Really? Honestly? Would you ever be able to trust him? Fully? To the level needed to sustain you for the rest of your life with this man? I think if you take a good, hard, honest look at this situation, you would answer no. You are thick in the fog right now. I get it. I wanted to believe everything that xap told me... but as Iddy said, actions do speak louder than words. You need to take action. You need to tell him that this is not acceptable and that you aren't waiting around anymore for him to decide. I know that is easier said than done. It took me several tries to end it for good.


My xap told me that he was miserable in his marriage. He told me he was leaving and that we would end up together. And I held onto that belief for so long. And each time I thought he was getting closer, something would happen, he'd pull away from me and say he had to work on this with his W for his kids' sake. And each time he did that, I waited, and my heart broke over and over again. I even went as far as to leave my DH and move into a friend's apartment. And guess who didn't come running? Right- xap. And when my DH left me last summer after our second DDay, guess who wasn't there for me? Right- xap. Why? Because he had his own life, his own family, and I was just a dish on the side that he tasted when it was convenient for him. He never had any intention of leaving his M despite what he told me. That truth was a hard one to face and accept, but I did and now I can look back and be thankful that he wasn't strong enough to leave- that he never intended to leave, because I dodged a huge bullet.


I know we all have to experience this ourselves and we can all type here until our fingers cramp up telling you what to do- but ultimately, this is your choice. You have to decide what is best for you. I really think the best thing for you right now is space. Give him space to reflect and allow yourself a chance to free yourself from the fog so that you can make a rational decision.


I think reason #3 of the "30 Reasons to End Your A" article says it best:


Emotional decisions are never our best decisions.


If you don’t believe that emotional decisions are never our best decisions, consider the times you’ve made a purchase based on emotion. Have you ever been caught up in the moment and the excitement or bought something to feel better? How many of those decisions have been your best? If you’re like me, the majority of those choices have been serious mistakes because when we get lost in emotions, we lose the ability to be rational. Who can deny the power of the emotions experienced in an affair or sexual addiction? I have seen wise grown men, who I greatly respect, do things that are totally insane. In fact, in society, we make excuses for those who are “in love” and label their insane behavior as “romantic,” when in reality, family and fortune are being sacrificed for this make believe “true love.”


Interestingly enough, we laugh pityingly at people caught in the snare of greed who fall prey to the wiles of a con artist. We commit to never allow ourselves to be so duped as to lose large sums of money on obvious scams; however, the same emotional forces that seduce those vulnerable individuals are the very ones that ensnare those involved in affairs and addictions. In the midst of an affair, sane and logical individuals begin to experience feelings that far exceed normal emotional states. And in such states, we make radical and irrational decisions about the future, decisions that affect not only our lives, but also the lives of those who are connected to us. It’s frightening to have to live with the consequences of decisions made in a state of virtual insanity.


I hope you have the strength to do what is right for you.


Hugs,


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 9:58am

TU -
You got that right, Grrrlfriend. By the time the ink dries, Goddess will be looking at xAP in a whole new light. And it won't be flattering light like the ones in the dressing rooms at Ann Taylor, either! She'll be all, like, "EW! You've got to be kidding me!" and "Like, omfg. AS IF!" Am I right or am I right?

Goddess, there is soooo much joy, power and relief in saying Buzz Off to AP. Give it a try, even if it's only in your head - it'll make your day!!

Cheers,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2007
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 7:21pm

Man, you ladies are good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 8:32pm

Hey,
I am late for the party (the story of my life) - but anyways, I've got very similar talk from my x last December, after I ended it with him 5 months earlier. He said he'll do whatever it takes, loves me too much, can't forget me, can't be without me, can't stay like that till the end of his life - you've got the picture. Two months later when I reinvested myself into this so called relationship with him, he backed out with old and tried excuses - kids are still at home, hard to break up a marriage of 20+ years etc. So I had to break it off with him all over again - when I was free from him for 5 months already and actually doing great - and what a pain I had to go though AGAIN, OMG.

Of course I could play a victim here and to say he pulled me back into the same crap with his false promises - but I accept my part in it and if I knew then what I know now, I'd wait for him to make himself free and available for relationship with me before going back and taking chances to have my heart broken all over again.

And I also remember one of the ladies here mentioned to someone posted a story similar to mine (and to yours now too) - "If I'd have a buck for every time gal on this board posted that her MM called or emailed that he is FINALLY going to leave his wife for you, I'd be a rich woman" - I remember chuckling to that and thinking - no, no way, no how, my guy really loves me, what we have IS special, he'd never let me down, not happening, what do you people know??
But guess what - joke was on me, and I am going to repeat that to you, Tennis Girl Goddess - if for every d-n time OW posted here that her lying, cheating b-d of a MM, desperate to keep his cake eating going...well, and so on.

You seem to be a very intelligent woman - I am judging by a beautiful and very eloquent letter you wrote to him. And 6 year is a really long, long time. Really too long to wait for anyone, single or married.
In your heart of hearts, you know what to do. Just do it:)

XOXO
Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**