XOM contacts H--why not me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
XOM contacts H--why not me?
6
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 4:35pm
Been posting on MAS, but I don't think it's the right place. I know this is long--but I'm looking for some answers/clarification. I think I've been trying to seek approval from others to recontact the OM. It was a brief (month long) friendship that was getting out of hand. H who I do love and have no intention of leaving caught on that I was acting strange and caught me at his new friend's apartment--just talking; never any IC, just a lot of suggestiveness and emails my H discovered. It was apparant what was going on and where we were headed. I've thought about why I did this--I was resentful of my H at the time--always working, school, felt taken for granted; I've been married 10 years, 2 kids, SEX only with my H--the curiousity of sleeping with this OM has totally preoccupied my thoughts since meeting him. His friend, the OM, was from grad school. I immediately found him very attractive and there was just something that put me at ease about him. I pursued him, and he obliged. We restrained ourselves from having IC--OM told me I was vulnerable, wasn't right--this was all between asking me what kind of panties I was wearing and telling me how beautiful i was and if we were to sleep together, he was afraid it would become an obsession--he also tried IC, but I did stop him. I was confused, guilty. OM said I wasn't his to have--but he really wanted me. He felt a sort of kinship to my H. Of course, my H confronted him when he found out, completely ousted him from their social group, and made clear never wanted to see him again. H was going to leave me, but now giving me another chance and making necessary changes so that we are good together again. Now, I have so much pity and concern for the OM. It's been three months of NC, UNTIL YESTERDAY--when he went to my H's place of employment under the guise of wanting to donate some clothing to a hospital my H goes to weekly--he ended up keeping the stuff and it was apparent he was looking for any reason to see my H again. My H was completely shocked, taken aback. The OM acted as if nothing ever happened between all of us and told my H to call him! I don't understand any of this. I feel used, confused, and am dying to call him and say "What's that about?" Why would you see my H?" I would think he would want to put as much distance between us as possible. His friendship with my H literally blew up on him. I wouldn't say I was in love with this man, but I feel for him. I think he may be lonely--he was new to town, didn't know very many people, meets this new guy he likes, and then poor guy gets mixed in with messed up, low self-esteem, me. Does he feel so bad about hurting my H? He never did acknowledge his part in any of this. I just don't understand his actions. My H feels it is a ploy to get me to contact him. I don't know what to think. I don't know how he could have so much respect and guilt about my H, when they barely knew one another. I just feel awful about the entire situation and want to make it right.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 5:27pm

Hiya Troubled,

It just doesn't make much sense that if xOM were attempting to re-ignite old fires with you that he'd be likely to utilise your own husband as kindling to achieve this goal.

Sounds as though he misses your H's friendship or more likely the social circle from which your H ousted him. Also, no one likes someone thinking badly of them, even when if it might be well-deserved, hence possibly an attempt to rebuild burnt bridges with your H who'd be the toughest bit of repair work before the bridge to the social circle can be successfully completed.

Problem is, any way you choose to look at it, exOM's attempting using people and simply doesn't care much about the disruption/pain/anger/hurt/damage he *assisted* you in causing to your marriage. Needless to say, both are somewhat less than attractive traits...

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 5:50pm
Posie,
Your good, and obviously a realist. I just hate feeling so pent up about the whole thing. Oh well, I'll go home, cook dinner, and do what is expected of me. The good things in life. I would ruin everything if I were to even look this guys' way. Thanks for your feedback.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 7:09pm

Who do you want to make it right with, if it is your husband then it's simple NO CONTACT with XOM PERIOD.

If it is XOM: you can never make what is wrong right, the most your going to do is mess up you life beyond repair by doing anything be leaving him in the past were he belongs.

One thought for you, You said that you would not leave your husband..... Most husbands of cheating wives walk away and never look back no second chances no MC NOTHING.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 10:22am
You are so right. I just feel bad about the whole situation and wish he would just go away. I wish they could be friends again and I could start over. It was all so fast and furious--i couldn't get enough of seeing OM and hearing the compliments and all of the verbal foreplay. Completely intoxicating. I guess I'm obsessing. Old habits die hard. Thanks for another reality check--I need them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 1:33pm
My impression - he's either playing headgames or is so immature as to truly not realise the affect and implications of an A in the real world and thinks that he can recover old friends etc. after things have somewhat settled. In either event you're much better off without him.

MS
A man's got to do what a man's got to do.
A woman must do what he can't.

MS
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 4:19pm
I belive it's the former. My H is says that he is a walking antisocial and borderline personality. Scary to think that there are people out there like that. Anyhow, he knows more about us than we wish he knew. Hopefully, he'll just go away and that will be the end of it. God forbid, I ever run into him again. I did when I went to vote in Nov. and nervously spilled everything out of my purse. Looked like a fool.