XOM Turned Good Friend, Turned Mean Ogre

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
XOM Turned Good Friend, Turned Mean Ogre
9
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 11:11pm
Hi- need some advice here. I had a brief affair that stopped short of sex with a coworker while breaking up with my long-term partner and developing a friendship with this person. To make a long story short, there was mutual chemistry, a strong connection, some incredible moments, some great conversations...but no intercourse. He was engaged and going nowhere, although it was obvious he was contemplating and is clearly unhappy, but feels trapped. We decided to stay friends and have continued our friendships, seeing each other every day at work for lunch.

I think I care about him, and thought the feeling was mutual. The timing was off and we both agreed that we still wanted to maintain a friendship. I have been a wonderful friend to him. Up until the last few months he's been a good friend also. I've always enjoyed his company. Although we still do lunch, he has become mean lately. To everyone else at work he's this charming nice guy. To me, he calls me names and throws barbs. These aren't abusive names, and the barbs are sarchastic, which we've always playfully done back and forth. It's a little like elementary school where the boys were mean to the girls they liked. The names are actually highschool-ish, like you'd find on the Simpsons.

I don't know what to make of this. It's upsetting me. Not sure the reason why. Lately I've gotten some big successes at work (different fields), and am free from a bad relationship. I'm wondering if he's jealous of how my life is turning out and resents it that he is trapped, so is being mean. Is it that he feels he's still caring about me (I have drawn the line, and although we joke about the moments and about who chased who, I have made it clear that he can call me when he's single), and since I've said no, and he's feeling closer, he's pulling away so is being mean? Is it some internal struggle between me and his girlfriend and he's feeling drawn to me, so is being mean to keep me away so his feelings extinguish?

I don't know if I should bring it up or leave it and end this friendship. There are all these expectations of friends that I have- and because our friendship is still secret, most of them go unmet. I told him how much he meant to me as a friend, and in between childish barbs, he tells me as much. I thought about putting it out there on the table- saying that I don't know what's happened that things are different, what's wrong...etc.

Does anyone know what's going on? Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 11:41pm
Maybe it is like grade school -- you ignore the "teasing" and it's no fun anymore for him. I think we all spend too much time and energy trying to "figure people out". He's being rude & he's supposed to be your friend & it's just not nice.

When friends do that stuff to me, and probably because they've got their own issues putting them in a bad frame, I just back off & give that friend a lot of space. I don't ask for explanations or complain, I just start spending my time elsewhere and begging off from plans a little. Not cold shoulder, just a little busy with other things for a while.

It's not playing a game, it's taking a break -- it sort of takes the "heat off." Things either return to normal or I get a much needed break from a grumpy friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 4:09am
Hey - good to hear from you again... I think you should just tell him that the things he says aren't funny. Even if there was some history of your friendship extending beyond the platonic, you have every right to have the same expectations as you would from any other friend. Maybe you're right in that he may be doing this as his way of handling his own emotions and problems, but it's still not the way to treat friends. It could be that he's so confused that he's purposely acting like a jerk so that it makes it easier for you to dump him... but I'm no psychologist, just thinking aloud here.

My situation is so similar to yours - my xOM is my co-worker, and we're now friends although it's sometimes so hard for me to not think about how sexy he is :-) I don't know what I'd do if he started to turn on me too... I would feel afraid to bring it up because I'm not the confrontational sort and I wouldn't want that to 'give him the excuse' to end the friendship, but at the same time, I wouldn't be able to stand for that kind of treatment too long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 11:55pm
Hi- Thanks for your response. Today I spoke with him and told him my expectations of him as a friend. I told him that I expected him to treat me the same as I treated him. I also asked him why he was being this way, that all of a sudden he seemed to be acting like a jerk, and he was only like this to me- that this was hard for me considering that we were the closest friends at work, yet I got to experience the worst of him. We talked about the times when we were intimate and I said it almost seemed like he was disgusted and that I felt sad that he would look on those moments as disgusting and probably think of me as a slut to ease his mind and erase the memory.

I told him that although there were many reasons why it was wrong, at that time there was nothing or no one else- just him and I, and it felt right for me. Then I laid it somewhat on the line and said, that we had both spoken of having a special connection and that is what made the moments safe for me. That at least I felt that there was some chemistry and that I would remember the moments fondly. I told him that I was glad they happened and that at the time I didn't want them to stop. I also said that I didn't use him to ease my pain, because he was convenient, that I wouldn't do those things if I didn't care for someone. There were caring gazes from him, but no response at that. I do recall him at the heat of the "affair" saying that although we had a lot of fun together and "got" each other he didn't know what I'd be like to live with, almost as if he was mentally choosing between his girlfriend and me. Like he had been contemplating leaving at that point. There were times after that that I offered my advice on their relationship to help him understand her, and although they are doing better now, I have a feeling that me helping him, and also me filling in some of his gaps has something to do with that (idiot me, but I guess I care more for him than my own feelings).

He was very quiet and said that he hadn't meant to be rude, just thought we were joking but now that he realized he was offending me, he would stop. He also said he didn't blame me for the moments, that he wasn't disgusted but it was a way to deal with his guilt. I asked to clarify our boundaries. He placed us somewhere between work friends and good friends. Mostly because his girlfriend doesn't know we are friends and that we see each other practically every day for lunch. It's kind of sad to know that I can't call him if I need him, but I understand, and I would rather have him in my life at work than not at all. We still had lunch today.

Maybe I'm fooling myself and am using him to not deal with my break up. It's also a safe friendship with him- no expectations from him other than as a friend, no potential disappointments from a boyfriend. I said that maybe we should step back because it felt like this friendship made him feel awkward, that if we spent less time together, he may not feel as guilty and he said he wanted things to stay as they were. Said it a few times. That nothing was wrong and he didn't want to "fix" it. Bottom line, even though we will probably maintain this kind of relationship as long as he and I are coworkers, for some reason he means a lot to me. I am not ready to let him go. I don't know how it happened, maybe I'm codependent, or addicted to love, maybe I'm trying to avoid the fear of meeting someone else. I don't know. All I know is that having him in my life has caused great pain, and great joy. I am not ready to exclude him from my life. I don't think that I ever loved him when those moments happened. Thinking of not having his friendship, though, makes me realize that I may love him as a friend. I am not mistaking the looks he gave me. I was not hearing things when I remember him saying that I was different, and that we had a special connection. I completely realize that I am sounding like a doormat here, maybe even settling for a dysfunctional friendships where crumbs are doled out. Any support, or tough love would be appreciated. Wasnotthinking- tell me how are stories are similar. I am feeling like I am the only person on this earth willing to accept a secret friendship.

Edited 1/24/2004 12:13:56 AM ET by snapdragonfly2003

Edited 1/24/2004 12:20:18 AM ET by snapdragonfly2003


Edited 1/24/2004 12:24:13 AM ET by snapdragonfly2003

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 5:35pm
Sometimes when someone needs to get over someone else, they start to be mean. It helps some childish, immature people to get over their own hurt. You are on the receiving end of this behavior. Sorry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 10:13pm
I have learned that it's impossible to be "friends" with an exMM. Way too addictive. Not to be mean, but I think you are kidding yourself. If you guys are friends then why would you feel the need to keep these lunches so secret?

I think you are on the right track considering that you may have issues with love addiction and codependency. Getting help for these issues will help so much! Prolonging this unhealthy "friendship" that you keep hidden is not good for you. Believe me-I've been there. I was totally addicted to a married guy at work. I had a "special friendship" with him too. It started by him giving me inappropriate attention (that I loved), provocative talk, loooong conversations on the phone. Every time I tried to say that this was just a friendship. It's a slippery slope. The more time you spend on him, the more sad you will become. Get out while you can.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 8:19pm
snap, our stories are so so similar.... I am happy to be my xOM's backup, because his friendship is so important to me, that I'd rather have the crumbs than nothing at all. I know EXACTLY what you mean about 1) being a doormat, 2) that knowing him has given me pain and joy, and 3) not being ready to exclude him from my life, because that's what I'm going through right now.

My xOm (also a co-worker) is a rising star in the company, and I'm the supposedly devoted wife who spends all her free time with her husband, but when we do have time to get together (which is rare now that he's away), I treasure every single moment. We may have stopped the physical affair, and on the surface we are the best of platonic friends, but emotionally I am having a huge affair with him because I'm still crazy about him.

I know that I am no longer high on his priority list, that he has closer friends who would come before me... and I'm willing to accept that. When he comes home occasionally, I know that he will spend the already very precious time with these closer friends and only when there's some spare time will he spend it with me, but he DOES make it a point to spend at least SOME time with me, and that's good enough for me.

I can't dish out tough love to you, because I'm in the same boat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 3:29pm
Hi Snap, my OM did this exact same thing to me. I've posted here about it many times. Actually, it has been the hardest thing for me to figure out. I'm sorry you are going through this too. Unlike you, I don't see my OM anymore, so I can't talk to him about it. He was so nice at the beginning. Once it became sexual he became mean to me, but still so nice to everyone else. I thought at the time that maybe he was "putting me in my place" because of what I did behind my H back. I started pursuing him, you know, like win the nice guy back. He never did change back to being nice. He knows he left me very confused and frustrated. I've thought it was his way of wanting me to not like him anymore. He did admit to me once that he got attached when we had sex so it couldn't continue because he would get hurt since I am married. Maybe it was his childish way of dealing with his hurt. Sometimes I think maybe he is just a mean person and the nice guy at the beginning was fake. Sex with him was not good and all about him. I was addicted to him for so long, but the nc has been good for me. The whole A seems like a waste of time to me now. The first few months of flirting was exciting, but it went down hill from there. I would have to honestly say that the worst part of all of it has been that I never understood how a good friend could become so mean. And the lies too. And OM knows I can't say a word about it to anyone. I've read so many posts about how fun A can be, how the OM is so nice, great sex, etc. I did not get to experience this and you are not either, you never will with this guy. I don't think he will change even though he said he would now that he knows it hurt you. He knew it hurt you when he did it in the first place. Good luck, C
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 3:44pm
you know a lot more than you think.

That paragraph, where you say:

don't know what to make of this. It's upsetting me. Not sure the reason why. Lately I've gotten some big successes at work (different fields), and am free from a bad relationship. I'm wondering if he's jealous of how my life is turning out and resents it that he is trapped, so is being mean. Is it that he feels he's still caring about me (I have drawn the line, and although we joke about the moments and about who chased who, I have made it clear that he can call me when he's single), and since I've said no, and he's feeling closer, he's pulling away so is being mean? Is it some internal struggle between me and his girlfriend and he's feeling drawn to me, so is being mean to keep me away so his feelings extinguish?

You hit it dead-on. Yes. I'd bet on all of those issues.

If you put it on the table, you are advancing the relationship. That is fine, if that is what you want to do. I'd think you might be able to do better; but what do I know? I'm just an anonymous internet guy. Maybe this guy is better than he sounds.

You sure deserve "the gold". Don't settle for less!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 5:18pm
Hi RG- Thanks for responding- I really miss your wise words. You know, I thought I could really do this friend thing. Wanted to be to him the best friend he ever had. Guess that's part of my competitive nature. Ended up giving a lot more than I got. Since our talk he's back to "normal". Nonetheless, it will always remain a secret friendship- I guess I just wanted to be validated. With my ex-partner, I felt so taken for granted, it was so long that I heard a compliment that I really thought I'd never hear anything good about me again. Then he came along and I was a goddess- with him I was the person that I had been before my previous relationship issues- I think he fell for that part of me that came out. I all of a sudden realized that I didn't have to settle for a loveless relationship. I guess, ironically I am settling for a quasi-friendship.

I don't know why it matters to me that I know he felt something for me then. Although I didn't tell him I loved him (not sure if I even did- love is differnent, and not carried on in secret), I did tell him that on my part, the moments would not have happened had I not cared about him. I guess I wanted to be true to myself, and couldn't keep that in. Was I an idiot for saying those things? I reread my post in this thread and I sound like a pretty big fool. I can't for the life of me figure out what lesson I am supposed to learn here. Maybe one day it will get to the point where this secret association will not be enough. Maybe at that point I'll be able to give him up. I guess I am putting off those thoughts because he has been a constant of sorts in my life and everything else has changed so much.

I know that long-term we could never be. Realistically, he won't leave his partner for me. Nor do I even want him to. This is the weirdest of all- if I don't want something more, what am I doing continuing this "friendship". I'd like to think he'd be there for me if I needed him, as I would be there for him. That's not realistic, though because he has a girlfriend and is fairly comfortable in his relationship. On the surface he's great- but I got to see the real him, and I'm pretty sure that his exterior is pretty superficial. He's even told me as much. I've even mentored him at work. Could it be like the Pygmalian story, where the sculptor falls for the sculpture? I guess the amount of work I have put into developing this person at in his career could be akin to sculpting him. There's a part of me that needs to be needed, perhaps I did this to help him and to feel appreciated by him. Regardless, I guess deep down I know our "friendship" is not real, why am I hanging on to such fluff?

Maybe I just think too much. Just trying to make sense of it all.

Snap

Oy Vey!




Edited 1/27/2004 5:34:00 PM ET by snapdragonfly2003