XOM WROTE ME A LETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
XOM WROTE ME A LETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
21
Sat, 11-22-2003 - 4:47pm
I JUST got my mail and nearly fainted. a letter from him!!!!! he sent it to my house and not to my PO box!!!H could have found it!!!! thank GOD i got to the mailbox first today...pant pant pant

It was a sappy letter of apology and in it he says " i knew that I captured your heart, but I am now letting it go..blah blah blah...

I HATE HIM!!!!

I wont tell you everything it says because right now i am emotional and I do not want to read it again...I feel like returning it to sender, but i already freaking opened it. This letter just makes me more distraught and i'll tell you why...

It is a way of either him easing his conscience which I do not think that he has...or a way of proving to his other woman that he is done with me, (he could have let her read it)...whatever the reason he offers not explanation as to WHY he did what he did to me...I want to know WHY, I could give a crap that he's sorry. His apology means $hit! So now he gets to write this letter and he's the good guy????!!!! BULL$HIT! It doesn't change what he did or how he did it...

Okay now what do I do? I want to tell him to go f off...but this is a reaction....Is he trying to get a reaction??? who the f does he think he is writing me a freaking letter??!!! the nerve!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Right now I am not doing anything. His letter made my situation worse. WRiting someone a goodbye letter is a one way conversation....it is a way of saying "i'm breaking NC, but you can't stop me..or respond cause im the one getting the final word..nya nya..."

I need to pray about this. thanks for being here guys.....i want to know what y'all think...i wish riverguy had an emergency hotline number....lol

hugs

Jazzdiva

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sat, 11-22-2003 - 5:26pm
Hang in there gril. You are so right about everything. THis is just his way of trying to get the upper hand. Either by getting a reaction or easing his mind. My XMM sent a final e-mail letting me go as well. This was for his benifit and I am sure his wifes cause he told me how dare I hurt his wife and child. Whatever....I am sure he sent her a copy of the e-mail. But as bad as it hurt me I didn't respond.

You know you are the one who ended it and are moving on. Don't let him get to you. You have the upper hand and don't need this drama anymore. Put the letter aside and keep your mind occupied. Take you kids for a day out. Later you will read the letter and just laugh at how pathetic this man is and how you learned from this while he is still the same pathetic person who will continue to live a miserable life.

Sending you big hugs

Cali~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Sat, 11-22-2003 - 6:01pm
Do you think that his sudden letter may have something to do with his Xwife telling him that you're willing (even if it's not true) to testify in court against him?

Maybe his thinking is that he needs to be nice to you (hence, the letter of apology) to insure that you don't show up in court.

Just a thought.

As to your whole court testimony thing...be VERY careful with the information you share with his Xwife. I know you don't agree, but she's using you to obtain information in an effort to make her case stronger. A good friend of mine purposely befriended her H's former OW under the pretense of friendship...what she was truly after was information. Once she got enough she had the OW subpoenaed for a deposition. The OW was asked ALL sorts of EXTREMELY embarrassing questions that will forever be documented in court records under her name!

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 11-22-2003 - 7:58pm
believe me, i am being very careful about what i tell x-wife...and no, i do not believe this letter has anything to do with him finding out i'm talking to his ex...,she knows that I am afraid of him and she won't tell him. I know that sounds crazy, but I really do think that she and I are on the same page. Im helping her, she's helping me, we're both mothers. Its gonna take alot more then his stupid ass letter to keep me from talking to her, thats for dang sure.

This is part of his addiction. It is a pattern for him. He does ugly, then feels ashamed or tries to make things better for whatever reason. His letter is just making things WORSE, because now on top of everything he just pissed me off MORE. His letter was patronizing and insulting. I broke things off with HIM, I want nothing to do with HIM, he's being all sappy saying that he isletting my heart go...screw him! Who has the problem moving on now, me or him? Also, this could be a way for him to prove to his OW that things are over between us. He is waiting for me to call her up or something to tell her I got a letter. Screw that. let her wonder...

one more thing, he said

"the purpose of this letter is so that you can have closure....

Well closure happened when he got busted for seeing both me and and another woman at the same time! Sounds to me like HE"S the one that needs the freaking closure!

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Sat, 11-22-2003 - 9:26pm
When it comes to endings and turning the tables, recently when I ended our A, my MM did the same to me. It's human nature to protect ourselves and in my case, I understand why he felt that he needed to say what he did to me....making himself feel better. But the difference between you and me is that I was able to NOT let it get the best of me and let it go even if it meant HIM having the last word and him twisting the ending to HIS advantage. I know that he knows the truth and eventually, he will admit it to himself and even if he never does...it's HIS problem NOT MINE.

Please don't take this the wrong way but when I read your thoughts about this just being a part of HIS addiction, his pattern....I found myself wanting to ask why YOU continue to be this addicted? Why are you willingly continuing to put yourself on this pattern of self destruction? Is your goal for your H to find out and for your life to be destroyed?

I'm sorry, I don't buy your line that you got closure when his wife learned of your affair. Closure doesn't come at us with bulldozer force...closure comes quietly from our insides...closure gives us peace and the ability to close the door for good. I'm sorry for having to tell you this but you're on a self destructive journey of hatred, anger and revenge against MM! Honey, this is not closure...this is a vendetta! And it's one that will eventually destroy you and the life you have.

Read his letter again and see if you can feel even a little glimmer of peace within your soul that MM wants to end this relationship on good terms. You won't have inner peace until you can let him, his x wife and everyone else involved in this mess go for good.

I'm begging you not to be fooled by the mutual Mothering connection you have with his xWife! She will sell your soul to protect herself and to get what SHE wants!

When do you plan to start WORKING on just YOU?

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 11:20am
Caring:

I'm sorry but I have to disagree with you. I am not addicted, i was a woman in love , that believed in someone else and what I have found out about him is shocking and scares me. It is like I spent 3 years of my life with someone that I really did not know. You would have to know all the details to understand.

And OW finding out is not his wife, it is his other married woman that he was having an A with.

I am not on the path to revenge or vendetta, because frankly if I wanted to do that there are many other things that I can do.

I understand how this must look to you, but it isn't as it may appear.

And no, i refuse to find peace in his letter. His letter in no way was meant to make peace with me or to give me closure...this letter was about him...and for all I know it was so that he could prove something to the other married woman..you would hve to know the whole story to understand what I mean by that, and I do not have the energy to go over it again. It is too long and pathetic...too jerry springer....

You ask when im going to start taking care of ME. Well I started that on November 6 when I finally found out about his secret life and all the lies. I started that when I stopped calling or emailing him. I am done. I am ready to move on. It doesn't mean that I am not devastated, and it doesn't meant that I am afraid he is going to come here and hurt me physically. He is dangerous and right now I just live in fear.

Jazzdiva

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 11:34am
Oh and I agree that closure comes from inside, but he has no right to tell me that he is "allowing" me closure. that is not his to give me.

the old me would have responded to this letter. I am simply ignoring it as I will do him if he ever tries to get in touch with me in the future.

if he wants to think he got the last word, fine. He is such a liar that it doesn't really matter what he says or what he does. His word means nothing.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 12:05pm
Actually, I do know most of your story. The reason I posted what I did is because at this time, you still don't see how totally obsessed you are with this man and "HIS" life. I know that as time moves forward, you will realize that what I'm telling you is true.

I say this because you keep telling this board (and yourself) that you're DONE but yet, 24/7 you're obcessed (and very addicted) to all the past/current and possible future ACTIVITIES *in* this man's life. What I'm trying to tell you is that until you're able to LET HIM and his screwed up life go...I mean anything and EVERYTHING you will not be able to begin working on yourself and changing/making your life better/different.

Yes, you're devasted and that's perfectly understandable but all your recent posts have been about everything that's currently happenning in HIS life...HIS life should NOT be affecting you as much as it is.

Good, bad or indifferent in your terminology, for your own sanity, you NEED to accept his email as his last (forever) word to you...cry, be angry, scream but LET IT GO. Tell his xWife (OW or whomever) that asked you to testify in court not to contact you again because it's over and you want NOTHING to do with anything that pertains to HIM!

Then... and only then will you be able to truly start the healing process. And, I promise you that once you do this, you will no longer feel that you're living life in fear.

I worry about you and where all your continued contact is going to lead you...not anywhere good or where you will ultimately want to be. I want you to get to the other side of all this as quickly as you can...it's peaceful here :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 12:10pm
LOL.....some women here would disagree with your *allowing* statement because many women have been very devastated by the fact that xMM/OM would not give or allow them the opportunity for closure from them.

I'm glad that you're not going to reply to his email because you're right, he is a liar and he will twist the situation to fit whatever he wants it to fit! But, that's just step one of many...your next step needs to be disassociating yourself with EVERYTHING that pertains to this man's entire LIFE!

I'm glad you've started the journey and wish you continued luck!

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 3:59pm
thank you for your input.

Jazzdiva

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 4:20pm
i really do not think that talking about OM and my situation is obsession. I am trying to move on and part of my healing process is talking about it. Because I do not shout out my business from the rooftop it winds up this and therapy are the places I can talk about it and I do. If people find me obsessive then I apologize and will keep a low profile in the future.

Jazzdiva

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