YEAH!! It's hard but sooo much better...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
YEAH!! It's hard but sooo much better...
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 11:05am

on the other side!! But how do you live with the guilt...the guilt of things you actually did. When you are going through them you feel sooo alive, so powered, that it's the best thing that has ever happened to you!! Now I look back and am totally ashamed at myself. How did I think all that sneaking was ok?? I mean I was free but he wasn't. He said he was on his way out but I saw between the lines and continued. There's two things I wish for one finding out that they worked on their marriage and are closer than ever and then there's another part that wishes she would screw him. And the reason for that is he is still trying to make contact!! And spring is fast approaching and I know I am bound to run into him. UGH...let's just get that moment over with.

I am in an extremely happy relationship now. He knows about my past, he knows I am struggling through all this. There are days I hear a song and think about those times and places we go I think I remember meeting there and having to be sooo secretive. God, I don't miss that one bit!! I like to call my man and have him pick up the phone everytime!! I like being able to kiss my man in public!! I like not walking somewhere and all of a sudden be told get away...I think I see someone I know. God the humilitation I put myself through!! Then theres a part that wants me to see him with my new man and say "LOSER...how long did you think I'd play that game??? How stupid did you think I was!!". I am sooo much happier right now but wish I never did what I did. That's a hard pill to swallow. And until your out and truly out you don't realize what you are doing is soooo just wrong...and not good for you one bit!! I do not miss the days of crying and waiting by the phone wondering if he would call...worrying crap hit the fan!! My heart is free...it's hurt by my actions, by my emotions but it's FREE!!! And freedom is a wonderful thing!!

So for all those trying to get out...keep on trying...you will be sooo much better off. I used to read posts like this before and think ya right..but I am love!! But love is to be beautiful, not secretive and hurtful!! Believe me...true love needs to be in the open!!! Not something your ashamed of!! Just needed to vent a little...and hopefully help along the way!! HUGS!