A year ago today

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
A year ago today
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 1:49pm

I was in xAP's (then) city for a course.  It was his birthday, I was about 3 months NC and I knew he was moving away in a couple of months so it was my last chance to see him.

The course was 1.5 blocks from his office.  In fact, I could see it out of the window, taunting me all day!

It was a beautiful day out, I recall, just like today.

Sometimes it is easy to forget how far we have actually come because there are still hard days, and still things we need to work on.

I remember posting to the board as I left the course, walked in the opposite direction and went to meet a girlfreind for a drink, essentially "walking away from him" for the last time.

It was really, really hard.

Today, while I am aware it is his birthday (we were friends fro 10 years before the 2 year A) and I do miss him as a friend, I am really Ok without wishing him a happy birthday.

He's not my friend now.  He doesn't get a happy birthday from me.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2006
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 2:29pm
You sound like you're doing great Rainie!!! Time is a great healer isn't it.


The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 2:42pm
Wow Rain - that is some willpower. I will remember that if I am ever in the same city again - he has moved away too so it is unlikely, but not impossible as he comes back to visit family. xAP and I have the same birthday which was really hard this year but I made it without saying happy birthday to him. Somehow it is doable, one day at a time.

Thanks for posting this- Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 2:46pm

I think and always have done that you are utterly amazing !! You are one strong lady and I'm proud of you.

Much love

Yellow cx

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 3:03pm
You've really grown, Rain. Be proud!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 3:08pm

Hi, Rain, I think I remember you posting about this a year ago. I am sorry for your continuing pain as to the loss of your friend as I am living the same situation.  My xAP knows we can't talk and my H has warned me what will happen if xAP and I connect again.  I came clean to my H when xAP and I were in the process of ending (with the usual pain and struggling). XAP thought he should go home and work on his M because his wife was falling apart because he was distant-that's what I understood anyway. It had to end as xAP and I were messes. I didn't tell my H everything but enough. I figured that was only fair. We're in counseling. I know though that what I had with xAP is what I will miss and be susceptible to with xAP again. I chalk it up to this: I got married when young, it was "time", my friends were getting married, I was graduating from college, M was obviously the next step. H is a great guy, good dad, etc. Pefect choice for a H. Well, I got sidetracked by how it feels to have a deep connection, passion, a 'zing', to be understood in a way you can't put into words. Now that I'm older and I understand the difference, it's hard to give up. I know it sounds all gooey and mushy but I've thought about it endlessly. Anyway, some call it "settling." I call it "accepting". Going to stay, work hard, focus on H and kids and life, look ahead. At least I can say I know what people are talking about when they say things like "falling head over heels for someone" etc. I can tell how you post about your xAP that you miss him still. I get it. Then again, maybe the whole "connection" and specialness of my feelings for xAP is all part of the fantasy, as people talk about.  I have known him for years so I tend to think it's real. It's an A to everyone else but a heart-wrenching real R for me. Just want to get over the ache. Also, really trying to think of my H in all this and consider his pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 4:51pm

Has it really been a year, Rain?

When we all were waiting to exhale?  And when you reassured that you had, indeed, walked in the opposition (and we all knew you would) it was the collective exhale heard 'round the World?

It was hard on all of us because we love you so much and we knew how hard it was for you.

Thank you for being such a power of example.

Now, c'meea...give me a hug Left Hug


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 9:13pm
I will always remember your posts from that time as they showed that a person could be immersed neck deep in triggers and still stay strong and determined AND NC. Proud of you!!

~ Songs
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 9:23pm
Aw, I didn't cry today.

And now I am because I know I could not have done it without you guys.

Much love, y'all saved me.
Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 10:00pm

I'm glad that you didn't cave in to your trigger.

Some triggers are harder to get over, but you did good.

I went through one of those periods a month ago.  I survived.

Now, a month later it seems that I was just hormonal.  ;-) 

Give time, time.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 4:10am

Hey Rain

Birthdays are a lowsy Trigger. Well done on making it through.

I hope with time I will forger my xAP's birthday date - just like I have forgotten past xbf's birthdays.

God a year ago today, i was a mess - I was switching between desperation and disfuction, swiching my phone off and on, obsessing and just not knowing how to find a way out.

Your amazing Rain - on tough chick - and you have come so far!!!!


Every recovery is a kind of rebirth